And The Best Dressed Of The Critics’ Choice Awards Goes To…

Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.

The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.

Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.

Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Let’s Play A Game Called ‘What Caused That Look On Julia Roberts’ Face?’

Here are my guesses:

1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.

2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)

3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.

4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.

(Pics: FameFlynet)

Jeremy Renner Has Never Looked Hotter

If David O. Russell’s Abscam movie succeeds at one thing it’ll be turning Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper and Jeremy Renner into three gorgeous messes from the 70s. They’ve made Christian Bale look like a sleazy used car salesman who fucks with his loafers on and tastes like cologne and sweat. They’ve made B. Coop look like a porn producer who smells like perm stank and screams “Don’t touch curls!” at least once a day. And now, as Lainey puts it, they’ve made Jeremy Renner look like a third rate Joe Pesci impersonator. That wig really brings out the Grumpy Cat in his face.

Who ever is responsible for this mess should just accept their Oscars now. They should get an extra special award for making Elisabeth Rohm (I think that’s her) look like Cinderella’s evil stepmother gone disco.

Jeremy Renner Is A Daddy

A couple of months ago, we all found out that Jeremy Renner knocked up his ex-girlfriend Sonni Pacheco and instead of cutting her a check, putting her on a bus and sending her far, far away, he put her up in the mansion he lives in with his roommate. I know, it’s like the most bizarre episode of The New Normal ever. Well, Jeremy and Sonni are now Super Glued to each other for life, because a baby with his DNA and her DNA now exists. Jeremy’s rep tells People that Jeremy did make a baby with Sonni and that baby was born. People puts it like this:

He and girlfriend Sonni Pacheco confirm to PEOPLE that they are the proud parents of a 7 lb. baby girl, Ava Berlin Renner.

“They are beyond thrilled,” his spokesperson tells PEOPLE in a statement. “Mother and daughter are doing great.”

Reports of a baby-on-the-way for the Oscar nominee first hit the web in January following the Golden Globes.

Renner, 42, had not previously addressed the rumors.

I actually like the name Ava Berlin Renner and I always hiss at celebrity baby names. Ava Berlin sounds like the name of a super elegant drag queen who only sings songs from the musical Cabaret and only performs at lounges that use cloth napkins.  Ava Berlin also sounds like the name of lounge singer turned mob wife (Michelle Pfeiffer will play her in the movie).

Anyway, congrats to Ava Berlin, because she gets to look up at Jeremy Renner’s eyeliner-lined bunny eyes and say, “Daddy.”

At Least Somebody Honored The Texas T-Rex’s Ass Cheeks

The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey’s rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:

“I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!”

Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn’t honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman’s piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron’s body in The Paperboy.

The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here’s the list of winners:

Best Feature – Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature – Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance – The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance – Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film – Amour
Best Female Lead Performance – Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance – John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay – David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography – Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director – David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary – The Invisible War

And here’s a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Cover Hawk

Jezebel pointed out that future father and current Hawkeye Jeremy Renner showed up to the Hollywood premiere of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (How is that a movie?) last night looking wet, wild and Bonne Belle beautiful. Before Jeremy was Jason Bourne, he was a make-up artist, so he knows the importance of brushing his lashes with clear mascara before he gets photographed. No, Jeremy isn’t happy to see you, that’s just a bronzer stick in his pants.

Before every event, Jeremy slides up in front of the Hollywood makeup mirror in the beauty salon in his mansion, puts a Vanity 6 cassette in his Boombox and plays this:

You know he’s said the line, “Smoke a cigarette, I’m not ready yet,” to his roommate at least once. You know, I should stop calling Jeremy Renner “Hawkeye.” That liner and mascara makes him look more like Bunnyeye. I just want him to wink at me while nibbling on some wet lettuce.

And why is Peter Stomare praying in front of Gemma Arterton? Peter Stormare should be praying at the altar of the real Church of Maybelline Glamour: Jeremy Renner’s face.