The Mother Of Hawkeye’s Unborn Hawk Baby Is A 22-Year-Old Canadian Model

When Jeremy Renner told Eva Longoria on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes that he gave his ex-girlfriend a surprise case of the BABIES!!!, he told everybody, because some nosy-eared witness heard it and spread the news to UsWeekly (or Eva Longoria’s ass gave the news to UsWeekly in exchange for a “best” label in their extremely important Best & Worst Beach Bodies issue). Not much was known about Jeremy’s ex-girlfriend, but then the highly skilled womb diggers at The National Enquirer (via Radar) went to work and found out that the future mother of Baby Hawkeye is 22-year-old model Sonni Pacheco from Vancouver. We shouldn’t be surprised about this shit, because aren’t they ALWAYS 22-year-old models?

A supposed friend of Jeremy’s tells the Enquirer that Sonni is living with him and his “roommate” at his home in L.A. and he’s taking care of her while she’s baking the baby they made. The friend went on to say, “Jeremy is delighted he’s going to become a dad. He realizes it’s unconventional to have his baby mama, an ex-girlfriend, living with him and his roommate, but he just doesn’t care.”

So to recap: Jeremy, his “roommate” and his knocked up ex-piece are all living in the same house and I’m guessing that house is his $25 million flip that looks like a cross between the Rocketeer’s lair and the fanciest Restoration Hardware store you’ve ever seen.

I thought that when you become a multi-millionaire movie star, the first thing you do is drop your roommate and those rough ass towels from Ikea that scrubbed a layer off your skin every time you dried off with them. But I guess not. I mean, roommate?!

Now I’m not saying that Jeremy’s situation is some New Normal shit, but when are we going to get to the part when we meet Sonni’s ultra conservative, Cindy McCain-like, ice queen of a grandmother and her daughter who does a dead-on impersonation of Little Edie from Grey Gardens? Because they’re my favorite part of the story.

And here’s some of Sonni’s extremely professional and elegant modeling pictures. Sonni is giving us some Barbizon: After Dark glamour and then some.

Jeremy Renner’s Ex-Girlfriend Is Knocked Up With His Baby

Tip of the day: If you’re going to get knocked up by a dude you’ve only dated for a quick minute, make sure that dude is Jeremy Renner, because he will put you up in his Los Angeles home and take care of all your pregnancy needs. Would you expect anything less Hawkeye?

Jeremy has said before that he’s a really private person and he totally behaved like a really private person the other night when he openly blabbed to Eva Longoria about becoming a father for the first time. Two witnesses tell UsWeekly that on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes on Sunday night, they overheard Jeremy talking to Eva Longoria about how his ex-piece is carrying their baby in her uterus. Jeremy is shooting a movie out of CA right now, but told Eva that he’s going to “fly in when her water breaks.” 

A source tells UsWeekly that Jeremy and the future mama j’e’e of his child only dated for a little while and it wasn’t serious at all. When Grumpy Cat’s separated-at-birth twin found out that he humped a baby into his ex-girlfriend, he put her up in his house. She’s going to give birth to Hawkeye Jr. next month. 

Well, this is one way to completely drown those gay rumors in virile jizz. Congrats to Jeremy Renner for learning an important life lesson: sometimes hetero bareback fucking leads to a baby. Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart, Hugh Grant and January Jones welcome you to their club! 

What Does Jeremy Renner Think Of The Kardashians?

If you want the extra short version, just spend one second with that picture of Jeremy Renner and then go on your merry way, because that pretty much sums up all his feelings in one flick of a finger.

Jeremy Renner has joined Jon Hamm and Daniel Craig on the growing list of Hollywood actors who think that the Kartrashians are as useful as an ingrown nipple hair. Jeremy was doing an interview with The Guardian’s Andrea Hubert about The Bourne Legacy when Andrea decided to make his soul gag by bringing up the Kardashian’s name. They were talking about all the stuff that fames brings and Andrea dropped the K bomb, which made Jeremy barf this out:

“Oh, all those ridiculous people with zero talent who spend their lives making sure everyone knows their name. Those stupid, stupid people.”

Shhhhh, Jeremy, you’ll wake the whore beast that is Pimp Mama Kris and then she’ll use that quote to stretch the Kardashians’ fame and she’ll use it so much that you’ll have to legally change your name, because you’ll be so sick of hearing the name “Jeremy Renner” fall out of their trash holes. It’s probably too late. Pimp Mama Kris is already working on a response and I’m sure she’ll call Jeremy classless and say that he’s just jealous that he didn’t get famous from getting slapped in the ass with Ray-J’s boomerang dick on camera. Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris will just take that quote, sprinkle delusional dust on it and then post it on her website. Like this:

“[The Kardashians are] people with… talent [and] everyone knows their name.” – Jeremy Renner

This Is The Look: Javier Bardem As An Evil Blonde

If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, “Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado,” this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem’s hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.

Below is the new trailer for The Queen’s homeboy’s new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier’s peroxide glamour:

Daniel and Javier’s scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, “Just look at you, chasing spies,” I expected Bond to snap back with, “Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of.” Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!

Here’s Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night’s NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn’t have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.

“You Are The Most Beautiful Princess I’ve Ever Seen…”

Yes, that headline quote is one hundred percent accurate. Tommy Girl cooed out those words after catching his own reflection in Stepford Katie’s glazed over eyeballs. You really haven’t seen your own reflection until you’ve seen it in a pair of face globes whose e-meter-induced sparkle hides the pieces of her soul trying to knock their way out of her head.

After days of dragging Suri out for staged photo-ops, Tommy Girl finally had his big premiere in NYC last night for Mission Impossible 4: You Try Getting Suri Into A Pair Of Flats, and he torched the red carpet by working the shit out of that flesh-colored cheek nipple on his face. Tommy didn’t only make no-nos pucker by winking at the camera, but he also induced vomiting when he talked about Stepford Katie to People. Tommy said, “Every day I fall more in love with her. It’s been quite an amazing five years because of her. She’s an incredible woman. She’s everything to me.”

Tommy laid it on so slimy and thick that if he scooted his Scientolohole across that quote, he wouldn’t ever have to reach for a bottle of ass lube again. Bitch’s butt cunt would stay forever lubricated. Damn. I know Katie has been an indentured beard and Tommy will have a short (very short, shorter than him) case of the sads when he has to rip her off of his chin after their 10 year contract ends, but “EVERYTHING TO ME”?! Tommy should save those words for the L. Ron Hubbard hologram in his dungeon or his favorite pair of lifts. Not Katie. For shame.

Anyway, here’s the whores and bores from last night’s premiere. In order: Tommy & Katie, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton with Robin Thicke, Josh Holloway with his wife, Alan Thicke with his wife and Jeremy Renner.

Nerd Creamer Of The Day: The Avengers In NYC

In case you missed it, here’s ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.

You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you’d be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn’t bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don’t know what their damn costumes do. I don’t know why they’re running around. I don’t know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don’t know!

But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.