Jeremy Renner Is Smooth

JLo was at the Golden Globes for the same reason why Heidi Klum is at every single goddamn awards show that exists today. The producers have a chichis cleavage quota to fill and they know that JLo and Heidi Klum will help them meet that quota.

JLo presented Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie with Jeremy Renner and during their little intro, he stared down at her bronzed tit globes and made a boob joke, because that’s just what totally heterosexual men do. They stare at tits and make tit jokes. Hawkeye got a little shit for it on Twatter and early this morning he laughed it off by saying it was all in good fun, blah, blah, blah.

Well, that’s one way to try to kill the gay rumors that came back up because your wife of 15 seconds and baby mother screamed FRAUD on the divorce papers. But Hawkeye really should’ve went all the way. He should’ve said, “You got the globes too, which me as a red-blooded totally heterosexual man appreciates and want to heterosexually motorboat in a totally heterosexual way. NASCAR!”

And I know I’m totally alone in this, but JLo’s look was one of my favorite looks of the night. While a lot of women showed up in homely Etsy outfits and dresses that looked like a Little House on the Prairie costume made out of preschool kitchen curtains and old Quaker Factory sweaters, JLo delivered some over-the-top tackiness. JLo looked like a bottom tier JLo drag queen in a no-budget stage show at an off-strip hotel and casino in Las Vegas.

That jacked up hair is what really made the look. When my sister was little, she was in a performance dance troupe ala Dance Moms. For one of their numbers, they all wore a fake hair fall. After performing that number at competitions or wherever, they’d take off their falls and throw them in a pile to be bagged up and thrown in someone’s trunk. That pile of cheap polyester hair falls was all tangled up and full of all kinds of colors. That’s what JLo’s hair looked like last night. Raggedy, busted glamour at its finest!

Here’s some pictures of JLo at the GGs and at an after-party with Ryan Guzman, her co-star in the future Razzies sweeper The Boy Next Door. And since we’re on the subject of chichis, I also threw in pictures of Heidi Klum.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Jeremy Renner’s Wife Files For Divorce After 10 Months And It Might Get Messy

What is going on? Couples we thought would last until the end of time and beyond are breaking up. In the morgue somewhere is a pound of dead flesh and its death tag reads: “Name of Deceased: The Meaning of Everlasting Love.” First Giada and her husband split up and now Jeremy Renner and his wife of 3 seconds. What solid couple is going to break up next? Kim and Kanye?!

Jeremy Renner is Crisco’ing up his face and putting razors in his hair, because he might have to get into a legal tussle with the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin and his wife of 10 months. TMZ says that Jeremy’s wedded piece, model/actress type Sonni Pacheco, filed divorce papers in L.A. earlier this month and blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why their marriage is dead, cremated and lying in a wooden box. Jeremy should’ve asked his homegirl Tom Cruise for advice on how to quickly and quietly end a marriage before any messiness leaks out, because Sonni is coming hard.

Sonni signed a prenup before she and Jeremy got secret married earlier this year, but she thinks their prenup should be put in the shredder. Sonni says the prenup is based on “fraud.” (How very Squinty Zellweger of her.) In the divorce papers, Sonni states that she wants spousal support, physical custody of their daughter and she wants a Range Rover and wants Jeremy to pay for her moving expenses and rent on her new place. She also wants her passport, social security card and birth certificate back. She claims that Jeremy “stole” them and hasn’t given them back.

Fraud and passport-stealing? Their divorce drama sounds more riveting and dramatic than the last Mission Impossible movie.

Jeremy’s rep had nothing to say about this.

TMZ says that Sonni doesn’t specify what she means by “fraud.” I think I know what she’s doing. By throwing in the dramatic word “FRAUD,” Sonni could be playing the unsuspecting beard role, and claiming “fraud” is her way of conjuring up those gay rumors again. Or Jeremy Renner really is Grumpy Cat in a human suit and he didn’t tell Sonni that before they got married.

Pic: FameFlynet

Jeremy Renner Got Secret Married To His Daughter’s Mom

Seen above wearing a ring on his hitchin’ finger at a screening for his movie Kill The Messenger in DC last night, Grumpy Cat’s human twin Jeremy Renner confirmed to Capitol File Magazine that he’s married to the model and actress type he knocked up a couple of years ago. Cue up the blind items that say that Kelly Preston has proudly welcomed a newest member to the Beard Wife Hall of Fame Club!

During the interview, the reporter from Capitol File probably noticed the ring he’s been wearing and straight up asked his 43-year-old ass if he’s married to his 22-year-old baby mother Sonni Pacheco. Jeremy dribbled out a “yes” and went on to say that he hasn’t come out as a married man, because he cares about the privacy of his wife and their 17-month-old daughter Ava Berlin (who, thanks to that name, is destined to become a gay club cabaret singer in Germany):

I have tried to protect my family’s privacy, my wife’s privacy. I don’t need her to get hammered with my life. Privacy issues are important because I want her to go about her day without being bothered. Yeah… Paps follow me, [and] that’s fine. But it’s annoying being followed when I’m with my family. It’s not just me—everyone [in Hollywood] has to deal with that. I’ve been talked about a whole lot, because the less I put out there, the less people know, and it makes it interesting, I assume.

When he said, “need her to get hammered with,” I expected him to go in a completely different direction than where he went. I think what he means by “protect my family’s privacy” is “Eh, I’ve gotta a movie to sell, so why not drop that little headline maker?”

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Those Nipple Tassels Are Really Low And Too Close Together….

That’s not how nipple tassels work, ScarJo!

At the Hollywood premiere of Captain America: Winter Solider (“My winter soldier is saluting the Black Widow’s pregnant tits” – thousands of fanboys), ScarJo didn’t answer questions about the Dutch, Jewish, French fetus growing in the Shake N Bake bag in her body, but words are cheap when her growing chichis say everything. ScarJo is apparently 5 months along, so I’m guessing her fetus is hanging out in her tits right now and moving down south in the summer, because I look more pregnant than her right now. Yes, ScarJo’s pregnancy boobs are magnificent, but what in lace and tassel hell is she wearing?! She looks like a French widow who’s in love with her dead husband’s lawyer and so she sexed it up for the will reading. ScarJo’s wearing the losing look in a Project Runway challenge where the designers had to create a brothel madam business suit out of old French maid costumes.

I would’ve been all about this if those tassels were over her pregnancy nips and she twirled ’em throughout the night.

And if ScarJo’s misplaced nipple tassels aren’t for you, here’s also some pictures of Chris Evans’ luscious beard and Jeremy Renner looking like he feels the relief one feels after finally pooting out a stubborn doody bubble.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Laura Jeanne Poon Is Magic

Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!

But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.

And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”–  you) and stay for John Waters.

Pics: Wenn.com

I Guess That’s One Way To Greet Bradley Cooper…

Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?

Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.

At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.

Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com