A Woman Claimed Spirit Airlines Suggested She Flush Her Emotional Support Hamster Down The Toilet… So She Did
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the short life of Pebbles the dwarf hamster. Pebbles was a good girl, selflessly providing emotional support, fuzzle wuzzles, boopy smooches and whisker nuzzles to her “caregiver” Belen Aldescea. Sadly, according to The Miami Herald, Pebbles’ life was cut short when she was denied entrance to a Spirit Airlines flight from Baltimore to Fort Lauderdale. Pebbles, who selflessly dedicated herself to a life of service, was unceremoniously flushed down the toilet by the very person she had sworn to protect comfort for all of her days; Belen herself.
Saturday was not just the night of the best and most glamorous awards, the Razzies, it was also the Independent Spirit Awards. The Independent Spirit Awards, unlike the Oscars, were ALL about diversity. Hosts Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani joked in their opening:
“Tonight we’re going to do everything we can’t do at the Oscars, baby. We’re going to cuss, we’re going to flash some nip. We’re gonna nominate some people who aren’t white! Tonight’s nominees are more diverse than the cover of a brochure for a liberal arts college. While the Oscar nominees are as diverse as the actual student body of a liberal arts college.”
Here’s their opening, but be warned, it’s a long one!
The best part of that clip are the shots from the audience like Sean Penn looking like a dried mud creature while trying not to be amused at the jokes (at the 1:49 mark). And the camera person and Kate McKinnon both messed up by mistaking Tom Cruise for one of the stars of Anamolisa. That’s Little Tommy standing on the table at the 4:17 mark, right?
The main awards went to Abraham Attah (Best Male Lead) and Idris Elba (Best Supporting Male) for Beasts of No Nation, Mya Taylor (Best Supporting Female) for Tangerine, becaming the first transgender actress to win a major award, and Brie Larson (Best Female Lead) for Room. But Spotlight, the journalism thriller I thought working at DListed would be like, was the big winner. It picked up awards for Best Feature, Best Director for Tom McCarthy, Best Screenplay, Best Editing, and the Robert Altman Award for Best Ensemble.
And the list of the winners is after the cut (in bold, duh):
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!
But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.
And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”– you) and stay for John Waters.
Well, I guess Maddox is the head hair stylist of the holy family now and I also guess that Brad Pitt let his son style his mop yesterday and told him, “Give me strung out punk anarchist chic!”
At the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday, Brad Pitt (who’s a producer on 12 Years a Slave, which won Best Picture) showed up looking like he spent the last 12 hours barfing up his internal organs and his will to live in a toilet in a non-air conditioned and not-at-all-well-ventilated crack house bathroom after smoking the wrong kind of crack. Those are the crack sweats! It’s very Trainspotting: The Golden Years. Brad Pitt looks like Robert DeNiro’s Taxi Driver character fell on really, really hard times and got a job as a roadie for Guttermouth.
With all that being said, this IS the look. But only because those wrinkles, that blotchy redness, the greasiness and those white hairs remind me of Anderson Cooper’s nustack and I’m so into that.
Here’s more of Brad’s fucked up hair and St. Angie Jolie wearing Endora’s favorite funeral dress yesterday. St. Angie should do Brad a favor and use her razor ass jaw bone to shave that memaw muff off of his chin.
During his acceptance speech for winning Best Supporting Actor at the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA yesterday, ageless vampire Jared Leto fanned the flames of the rumor that his luscious, highlighted locks have brushed up against Lupita Nyongo’s nipples maybe once or twice. Lupita was on Ellen last week and when Ellen asked her about the rumor she joked that Miley Cyrus’ yeast infection tongue broke up their love. But Lupita didn’t deny her chocha is screaming for Jesus after bouncing on Jared’s “hurts like Satan” dick. Then yesterday, while wearing one of Rayanne Graff’s old outfits, Jared picked up his trophy and thanked all the ladies he’s been with and all the ladies who think they’ve been with him including his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o.
I was going to say that I just want to smoke Jared’s locks since he obviously inhales so much of the good shit that his hair is filled with 100% THC, but apparently he doesn’t drink or do any drugs. Bitch is just naturally stoned. I can’t wait for Jordan Catalono’s Oscar speech tonight. It’s going to be a roller coaster of foolery. He’s going to take us high, he’s going to take us low and he’s going to take us beyond high when he thanks Rickie Vasquez. But you know, he might not even make it to the stage, because Jennifer Aniston might crash the red carpet and scalp him, because he has the hair she’s been dreaming of her entire life.
As for Lupita and Jared boning full-time, I hope they aren’t. But only because if they are, Lupita will have to hang around Jared’s true soulmate Uncle Terry all the time. Hanging around Uncle Terry all the time will fuck with someone’s sanity (see: JaredLeto).
Here’s more of Jared and Lupita at the Spirit Awards yesterday. Lupita won! Click here for all the winners.