Tom Cruise Lip-Synched FOR HIS LIFE On “The Tonight Show”

Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!

As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!

And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec Baldwin, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson. 

Pics: Wenn.com

Jeremy Renner Doesn’t Care About The Rumors That He Loves Peen

For years there’s been rumors that Jeremy Renner’s tip gets moist for peen and hos have been whispering that there’s something going on between his longtime flip flop partner and roommate Kristoffer Winters who got in the middle of his wreck of a divorce fight with his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco. (And I mean “flip flop partner” in the “flipping houses together” sort of way.) The National Enquirer also recently-ish did a story about JEREMY RENNER’S GAY SECRET. But Jeremy has said before that he’s not gay and he’s sick of nosy whores sniffing his asshole for the scent of lube and dick. Jeremy was asked about the gay rumors again during an interview with Stephen Rebello for Playboy.

Stephen brought up the story Jeremy told The Hollywood Reporter about how he once choked out an asshole who called him a fag for wearing a scarf. Jeremy explained why he told that story and went on to say that he’s not going to talk about the gay rumors anymore right before he talked about the gay rumors:

I was mad at the interviewer and was kind of hammering him, saying, “I thought we were doing the cover of Hollywood Reporter, not OK! magazine.” And while I was hammering him, I figured, Okay, I’ll speak to this. But as a general rule I don’t respond to questions about my personal life. I’m not going to try to prove what I am or am not. It’s silly, right? When you google yourself and the first thing that comes up is “Jeremy Renner gay,” it’s like, “Oh, now you’ve arrived. You’re now a giant movie star.” So I just had a big laugh about it. I don’t care, ultimately, if that’s what people want to think, read and care about. Fucking say whatever the hell you want about me. Look at where we’re at socially—leaps and bounds ahead of where we started. That’s an amazing thing. To suggest that it’s negative, that being gay is a terrible thing, a perversion or whatever—I just don’t get it. Don’t you wish we were in a world where we’re not shaming, judging and boxing people in?

Oh, so the slut-hating slut-shaming slut-shamer wants to live in a shame-free world? Interesting.

But seriously, in the same interview, Jeremy talks about guns, says that Jennifer Lopez was maybe turned on by him staring at her Golden Globes, says the word “bro” and talks about how he choked a guy who pushed Julia Stiles in a bar. (Side note: Jeremy Renner is really into choking. Rough trade kinky bitch.) Jeremy was one “I love to slam Buds with my buddies at monster truck rallies” story away from screaming that he’s 100% heterosexual. I’m with Jeremy, though, reporters should stop asking him about the gay rumors. There’s much more interesting questions to ask him like how does he achieve his impeccable bunny eyeliner game.

Jeremy Renner Still Thinks That Black Widow Is A Slut

Last month, Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans apologized for calling Black Widow a slut and a whore during the disastrous and messy press tour for the Avengers: Age of Ultron. Jeremy and Chris were asked by Digital Spy UK what they think about fans wanting Black Widow to hook up with their characters. Grumpy Cat’s face twin said, “I think she’s a slut,” and Chris Evans called her a “complete whore.” After they got dragged through a shit puddle by the Internet and Marvel fans, Jeremy spit out a slightly sarcastic “I’m sooooo sorry” apology:

“I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.”

Since the Avengers has opened and made a mountain of money, Jeremy can go back to saying whatever the hell he wants. On the same day that Joss Whedon quit Twitter over fans criticizing him for the “sexist” portrayal of Black Widow, Jeremy went on Conan where he threw his previous apology away and continued calling Black Widow a big slut:

“Yeah, I got a lot of Internet trouble. I guess that’s the thing now. I was asked a question, ‘So Black Widow has been linked to Hawkeye, Iron Man, Bruce Banner and Captain America and so what do you think of that.’ I said sounds like she’s a slut. Mind you I was talking about a fictional character and fictional behavior. But if you slept with four of the six Avengers, no matter how much fun you had, you’d be a slut. Just saying. I’d be a slut. Just saying.”

I don’t really know the Avengers, but I thought all of the Avengers (except for Captain America who’s a virgin, apparently) did each other, because there’s really nobody else to do? It’s kind of like how on TV shows the characters are always swapping sex partners, because they don’t have a lot of options? But still, boning only four out of six Avengers does not make one a slut. That’s nothing! Jeremy needs to stop saying that, because it’s offensive to us real sluts and it’s probably offensive to Tony Stark who I hear is the real hussy harlot of the Avengers.

And Hawkeye is probably just bitter, because nobody wants to fuck him. Will one of the Avengers please give Hawkeye some pity ass he can stop.

Jeremy Renner’s Messy Custody Fight Is Over

I’ll wait here as you sprinkle ice water on your piping hot b-hole which is probably throbbing after looking at those frosted tips in Jeremy Renner’s hair.

Hawkeye and his wife of approximately forty five seconds (10 months to be exact) Sonni Pacheco can put their earrings back on, take off all their rings and wipe the Vaseline off of their mugs, because their custody throw down is over. Jeremy and Sonni’s custody tussle never got to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of crazy, but his “roommate” did accuse her of being a drunk, shitty mom who did coke on vacation once (“Once? What is she a nun?” – White Oprah) and she said Jeremy’s house was a baby death trap of horrors because he didn’t lock up his guns and didn’t have a gate around his pool. Jeremy’s “roommate” (Side note: Every time I type “Jeremy’s roommate,” I picture myself whispering it into the ear of a gossiping old lady during church service in the 50s) also claimed in court papers that Sonni threatened to expose “intimate videos” of Jeremy if he didn’t give her what she wants.

Those “intimate videos” won’t grace our eyeballs anytime soon, because those wrecks have settled their fight. People says that Jeremy must pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Their daughter Ava will spend half of the time at her mom’s house and the other half at Hawkeye’s lair. Sonni and Jeremy signed a prenup when they got married so she gets a whole lot of nothing in spousal support. Sonni wanted the prenup voided due to “fraud,” but that didn’t happen.

TMZ says that during the hearing yesterday, Sonni’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan said they had more issues to settle, to which Jeremy’s lawyer Laura Wasser rolled her eyes at before the judge dismissed the case completely.

The extremely reliable and totally accurate accounting website called Celebrity Net Worth says that Jeremy Renner’s net worth is $35 million and he’s probably going to make another mountain of money from Avengers: Age of Ultron. So I’m disgusted that he’s only giving Sonni a measly $156,000 a year for child support! $156,000 won’t even get her an entry application into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sonni deserved a lot more, because I’m sure she had to put up with a lot of shit like Tom Cruise calling at all hours of the day and night pretending to be a laundromat clerk and asking her to send him bags of Jeremy’s dirty chonies.

And I’m sure the “intimate video” that Sonni had was of Hawkeye making out and cuddling with a silicone mold of JLo’s tits, because he’s that heterosexual and he loves JLo tits that much.

What’s On These “Intimate Videos” Of Jeremy Renner?

Like an anal orgy where Taco Bell was served right before the festivities, the divorce and custody fight between Jeremy Renner and his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco just keeps getting messier and messier. When Sonni filed for divorce last December, we sort of knew shit was going to go into train wreck territory, because she claimed “fraud” on the papers and said that Jeremy was holding her passport and other documents hostage. Apparently, Jeremy was afraid she’d take their almost 2-year-old daughter Ava to her homeland of Canada. Sonni then screamed about how Jeremy’s house is a baby death trap of horrors, because his pool isn’t fenced in and his guns weren’t locked up the way that they should be. And now Hawkeye is coming back at her by claiming that she threatened to expose “intimate videos” of him and says she smoked, boozed it up and did a little coke after giving birth. I’m kind of squinting at that part where he accuses her of doing coke once after their kid was born, because if I just gave birth to a human and that human was screaming and crying and the nanny wasn’t around, I’d probably take my nostrils snow skiing too. Yes, that comment was sponsored by White Oprah.

TMZ says that in documents Jeremy’s lawyer just filed, he says that Sonni is a gold digging mess who only married him for his money and to get a green card. According to Jeremy, Sonni is pretty much a shit mom, because she stopped breastfeeding Ava to booze it up and once left their baby all alone in the house after she took an Uber to party. Jeremy’s “roommate” also claims that Sonni snorted some coke on vacation after Ava was born and the “roommate” says that she’s threatening to EXPOSE a bunch of “intimate videos” if he doesn’t give her $13,000 a month in child support. TMZ didn’t say what’s on the videos, but they did let us know that they’re the bastion of integrity by saying that they would never post videos like that.

There’s Jeremy Renner and his “roommate” again. Every time I write about his “roommate,” I feel like a nosy church lady from the 60s saying, “You know, Ethel, his ‘roommate.'”

But what could be so scandalous or embarrassing about these “intimate videos”? Jeremy was in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and it can’t get more embarrassing than that, so I don’t even know. Is the video a tutorial of him showing you how to get that easy, breezy look with guyliner, because that’s not embarrassing. Is it a video of him morphing into his true self: Grumpy Cat? I don’t know, but I do know that now I’m going to spend even more time on PornHub. I’ll be searching “JEREMY RENNER INTIMATE VIDEOS” every 5 seconds hoping that Sonni leaked that shit on there.

And here’s thrilling pictures of Sonni doing house stuff last month:

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

Jeremy Renner’s Ex-Wife Says He Shouldn’t Have Custody Of Their Daughter Because His House Is Full Of Guns

It was really only a matter of time before things started to get messy between Jeremy Renner and his 10-month wife and baby mama Sonni Pacheco. First he knocks up a random ex-girlfriend and marries her. Then she quits his ass 10 months later and claims the prenup she signed is bogus because it’s based on “fraud”. And now, Sonni is saying she should have full-time custody of their 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin because Jeremy’s house is one big gun-filled Rube Goldberg-style baby death trap.

According to TMZ, Sonni and Jeremy currently share joint custody of Ava, but Sonni has recently filed papers asking for primary custody, claiming that Jeremy’s house is filled with BABY DANGER. Sonni says Jeremy has a pool that isn’t fenced in, as well as a gun collection that includes one of the guns being out in the open behind a bar, like he’s Ben Gazzara in Road House or some shit. She also claims Jeremy made $3.5 million in 2014 and has $13 million in assets, and therefore she deserves a ton of child support, $75,000 in attorney’s fees, and $25,000 in other “legal expenses” (ie. repairing the handle on her shovel from digging too hard).

Sonni decided to take her child support drama to court, because she claims the first time she asked Jeremy for child support, Sonni says he told her to “Get a j.o.b“. RUDE! Being a full-time wallet humper is a job, Jeremy. But a source close to Jeremy (hi Kristoffer Winters!) says that Jeremy has totally been handing over child support ever since she quit their marriage, and that this is all just a ploy to snatch more cash from his wallet.

Oh boy. It sounds like Sonni is really going for the gold here and isn’t going to stop until she has a dump truck full of Hawkeye cash making beep-beep noises as it backs into her driveway on the 1st of every month. Meanwhile, Baby Ava is like “Trick, you better buy me another pool with some of that money.“