I always forget that this year’s Oscars actually happened, because thinking of February 2020 makes the dilapidated projector in my brain project OldRoseItsBeen84Years.GIF onto the inner walls of my mind. So 2024 feels like three millenniums away, and well, if 2024 ever happens, filmmakers hoping to get that Best Picture Oscar will have to meet new inclusion and diversity requirements that the Academy has thrown down. It seems like the new rules will be pretty easy to follow if studios want a shot at Best Picture and the bar is so low that only baby ants can do the limbo under it, but still, people are already blowing out steams of rage over it, including Kirstie Alley who thinks these new rules are fucking with art. Listen, of course, Kirstie Alley cares about the sanctity of art. I mean, she was in For Richer Or Poorer.
Janelle Monae opened the Oscars and performed an opening number either called “Come Alive” or “Oscars So White.” Janelle mentioned the fact that the main acting categories were made up of mostly white people by letting out, “It’s time to come alive… because the Oscars is so white!”
Lest we need yet another reminder that Frances McDormand is a real one, TMZ is reporting that she’s the one responsible for allowing Terry Bryant, the man who stole her 2018 Best Actress Oscar for Three Billboards right out from under her nose, to get off with the crime scot-free. A judge dismissed the case against Terry because Frances refused to cooperate with the police. And if you’ve seen the footage of Terry that he posted after the crime celebrating his “victory”, you’ll see why Frances was probably inclined to just go ahead and let Terry, a black gentleman of a certain age, continue to live his best Sidney Poitier They Call Me Mr. Tibbs fantasy in peace. She probably considers this small act of mercy a way of satisfying a clause in her inclusion rider.
Unless your only exposure to Chris Rock is the Madagascar movies or a television from the 90s that plays nothing but those Lil Penny commercials, then you pretty much expected Chris Rock to drag the Oscars for their lack of diversity this year. And he did! For all 10:28 minutes of his monologue, Chris Rock was like a one-man #OscarsSoWhite Twitter thread.
Chris yanked at the weaves of the Academy by making a joke about there being “at least 15 black people” in the opening montage, referring to the Oscars as the “White People’s Choice Awards“, and slapping at Hollywood for being “sorority racist.” Yes, Chris went there. And then once he got there, he took a cab from there and went even further by joking that the In Memoriam segment was going to be just black people who were shot by the cops on their way to the movies.
But because Chris is an equal-opportunity hater, he took a few swipes at the famous types who told him he should cancel his tuxedo rental and boycott the ceremony. Chris also shot up to the top of Scientology’s Shit List by reading Oscar boycotter Jada Pinkett Smith to filth. Marty’s clap back at Gloria happens at the 2:48 mark.
In the event that gets yanked from YouTube, you can watch the whole thing here.
According to Chris, “Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited!” Somewhere in an ear-nose-and-throat clinic, the Original Aunt Viv is being treated for extensive damage done to her vocal cords from screaming “YAAASSSSS!” at the top of her lungs.
Chris kept it real, and I’m sure there were some people who weren’t having it. But it never really went into uncomfortable-for-everyone territory. Then again, you’ve got to work pretty hard to beat John Travolta creeping on everyone during last year’s ceremony.
Here’s Chris and his mom and his new girlfriend at the Vanity Fair party last night.
Saturday was not just the night of the best and most glamorous awards, the Razzies, it was also the Independent Spirit Awards. The Independent Spirit Awards, unlike the Oscars, were ALL about diversity. Hosts Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani joked in their opening:
“Tonight we’re going to do everything we can’t do at the Oscars, baby. We’re going to cuss, we’re going to flash some nip. We’re gonna nominate some people who aren’t white! Tonight’s nominees are more diverse than the cover of a brochure for a liberal arts college. While the Oscar nominees are as diverse as the actual student body of a liberal arts college.”
Here’s their opening, but be warned, it’s a long one!
The best part of that clip are the shots from the audience like Sean Penn looking like a dried mud creature while trying not to be amused at the jokes (at the 1:49 mark). And the camera person and Kate McKinnon both messed up by mistaking Tom Cruise for one of the stars of Anamolisa. That’s Little Tommy standing on the table at the 4:17 mark, right?
The main awards went to Abraham Attah (Best Male Lead) and Idris Elba (Best Supporting Male) for Beasts of No Nation, Mya Taylor (Best Supporting Female) for Tangerine, becaming the first transgender actress to win a major award, and Brie Larson (Best Female Lead) for Room. But Spotlight, the journalism thriller I thought working at DListed would be like, was the big winner. It picked up awards for Best Feature, Best Director for Tom McCarthy, Best Screenplay, Best Editing, and the Robert Altman Award for Best Ensemble.
And the list of the winners is after the cut (in bold, duh):
Rooney Mara could fill a football stadium with the hate she’s received from playing the whitest-looking Tiger Lily ever in Joe Wright’s Peter Pan flop called Pan. A little while after the movie was released, Rooney said that she was sorry you felt it was weird that a white Victorian ghost played a Native American character. Now that the dust has settled a bit, she has more to say. Except this time, she wants you to know that it wasn’t really whitewashing because the real Tiger Lily isn’t even Native American.