I guess this week’s theme is: Old Crusty Bald Dudes Grabbing Their Dicks When Nobody Asked.
If they weren’t sworn enemies, Jeffrey Toobin would take his hand off his Zoom dick, shake a little of the Toojizz off, and give Rudy Giuliani a handshake for temporarily taking the fapping perv spotlight off of him. Because The Daily Beast says that during the filming of Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, Rudy was caught on hidden camera unbuttoning his shirt and putting his hands down his pants in front of an actress he thought was a journalist. In related news, that actress has started a GoFundMe to raise money for the eyeballs and stomach that left her body at the sight of Ghouliani touching himself.
“Aren’t there more important things to be researching and worrying about seeing as the world is burning down both figuratively and literally,” some of you may be asking after reading that post title? No! This is vital news. It means that it’s not just me! I kid! Really. The Daily News reports that a recent survey showed that ½ of Americans don’t change their drawers every day.
You know the answer to that without me telling you. The answer should always be: the highly-esteemed literary journal of this generation The Daily Mail.
After we were all hit in the face with a slimy ball of random in the form of the rumor that Donald Trump Jr. fucked Aubrey O’Day while his wife was pregnant with their third child, the Columbia-educated investigative journalists at The Daily Mail went to work to look for proof of their affair. They may have found some. If you’re Quentin Tarantino, this story and pictures will test your slobbery love of feet. If you’re not Quentin Tarantino, this story and pictures will test your ability to hold down barf. Because this post contains at least one picture of Jabba the Trump Jr.’s hoof.
Suicide Squad comes out in 4 months, so Warner Bros. is really going to go hard and bareback bone our brains with the idea that Jared Leto was so CRAZY and so METHOD during shooting. We’ve already been told that Jared Leto got so into the mind of the Joker while filming that he went full-throttle method (served in a condom made of 100% sarcasm) and sent the cast a dead pig and gave Margot Robbie a live rat. Well, Jared and the cast are still trying to prove to us that the word “method” should be changed to “Leto” since he redefined it. They claim that Jared also gifted them with a couple of things found in a gift bag from Kanye West’s birthday party: anal beads and used condoms.
Running Wild with Bear Grylls is supposed to be a show where he and a celebrity type go out into the wild and he shows them how to survive using what’s around (and in) them. But it’s really a nasty fetish show for sick fucks. Even the makers of Japanese game shows watch that crap and heave.
On Monday night’s episode, Michelle Rodriguez was on and Bear Grylls showed her how to make a gourmet meal out of a dead mouse and her own piss. Michelle supposedly dated Colin Farrell at one point, so she’s put dirty things in her mouth before, but this is a new level of sick. Bear and Michelle were conveniently out of water, so they had to cook the mouse in her boiled pee. After they ate the mouse, Bear didn’t want to let the rodent and bladder juice broth go to waste so he drank it up. I once ate a beef burrito I bought from a rest stop vending machine, so I’m not one to judge about disgusting food, but these nasty messes are rich and don’t have to do this (unless they really want to).
Add a cup of pit sweat and that mouse and piss stew would be like the subway in a bowl.
And Bear Grylls needs to stop acting like he’s grossed out by pee, because sick bastard uses it to “survive” whenever he gets a chance. We get it and we know it, Bear Grylls. You’re a urinal breath-having piss queen. There’s no need to play.
Ariana Grande Latte is even more diabolical than we thought. The girl Damien in knock-off Charo hair has already wished a painful death upon her fans and she’s responsible for unleashing the poisoned pack of Pop Rocks known as Frankie Grande Latte on humanity. But that 22-year-old demon child has gone way too far this time and she must be stopped. I thought that Grande lattes and donuts went good together but not in this case.
A pro-donut American hero gave TMZ footage from the surveillance cameras inside Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA of Ariana Grande Latte and her equally-as-disgusting boyfriend Ricky Alvarez licking donuts without paying for them. They are the Nick Jr., donut-terrorizing version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. This is some first degree donut-tainting too. It’s premeditated. In the video, the possessed Steve Madden bobblehead moves her shifty eyes around like a kid who’s about to do bad things before tonguing a donut. (“Ariana Grande tonguing a donut, you say?” – Subway Jared) It looks like Ricky does the same thing, which makes the Satanic hood rat stuff minion cackle with evil glee. Ariana and her dude also touch mouths in front of the donuts, which is just as gross.
It’s obvious that Ariana Grande Latte hates America since she terrorizes the symbol of America, donuts. But she makes it perfectly clear that she’s anti-American after an employee brings out a tray of fresh donuts. Ariana looks at the delicious, innocent donuts and says, “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.” BOYCOTT ARIANA GRANDE NOW!
The donut destroyer has already jumped on her pink Big Wheels and is backpedaling. “A source close to Ariana” tells TMZ that she loves America and didn’t mean to make fun of the obesity problem in this country (HA!):
“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”
Too little, too late. Ariana was supposed to headline the Budweiser MLB All-Star Game concert on Saturday, but she dropped out due to getting three wisdom teeth pulled. Please, like there’s any part of Ariana that has wisdom in it. Either she got dropped or the donuts fought back by giving her food poisoning.
UPDATE: The donut-ruining monster issued a longer statement to Buzzfeed about this highly important matter:
I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.
I guess she was ruining those donuts so that fat kids wouldn’t buy them and get fatter? Okay, yeah, whatever. But what I really want to know is, when is she going to apologize to the donuts and those of us who love donuts and don’t care if they make us fatter?