Category: Gwyneth Paltrow

Open Post: Hosted By Gwyneth Paltrow Joining “Shark Tank” As A Guest Shark

August 18, 2022 / Posted by:

Famed alleged “Extortionist,” Gwyneth Paltrow, is about to take her goop business prowess to another level, baby! No, she isn’t opening a multi-level marketing scheme version of goop–though I believe with my soul that it’s coming–Gwyneth will be joining the other rich vampires of Shark Tank to profit off of the ideas of other people who can’t afford to get their businesses started without submitting to the whims of wealthy benefactors. Personally, I think that she will fit right in!

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Gwyneth Paltrow Says That Nepotism Babies Have To Work “Twice As Hard” Once They Get In The Door

July 28, 2022 / Posted by:

High voltage vibrator vendor Gwyneth Paltrow has continued to give us stability in this ever-changing world. We can always count on her to say stupid shit. Now, we all know Gwyneth has always been an out-of-touch rich lady with too much money and not enough common sense, but during a recent episode of Hailey Bieber‘s YouTube series Who’s In My Bathroom? Gwyneth decided it was time to reveal the real woman behind the $125 GOOPGLOW mask. And that woman is a delusional fool who admits that yes, children of connected people get in the door easily, but once they’re in, they have to work twice as hard and be twice as good.

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Ben Affleck Is Caught Napping On His Honeymoon With Jennifer Lopez

July 24, 2022 / Posted by:

Ben Affleck and the newly crowned Jennifer Lynn Affleck (a.k.a Jennifer Lopez) have taken their marriage on tour and are currently stunting vacationing in Europe. If the world doesn’t yet know that they’re officially together, they will visit every country on earth to make it known! They touched down in France a few days ago and put on a SHOW for the people. We expect no less from the earth’s premier pap stroll trailblazers. However, it looks like the 5,243,000 photos they took to document their love knocked the wind out of Ben as he was caught sleeping on the job. Someone get this man a Box O’ Joe from Dunkin’ Donuts before JLo finds out!

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Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Does Not Miss Acting At All

July 22, 2022 / Posted by:

Gwyneth Paltrow has said on numerous occasions that she doesn’t really give a fuck about acting anymore. I mean, did she care that much to begin with? She literally couldn’t remember the movies she was in or who was in them with her! Goopy hasn’t acted in anything in a while–her last IMDB credit is 2019’s The Politician. But as she tells Sunday TODAY‘s Willie Geist in a new interview, she doesn’t miss the business “at all.”Right back at you,” said the business.

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Two Men Caught Fire In An Explosion While Making S’mores At The Goop Store In Sag Harbor

July 11, 2022 / Posted by:

If there was ever any doubt who is the greater menace to (Hamptons) society between convicted felon Martha Stewart and perpetual pussy mangler Gwyneth Paltrow, then this ought to settle it once and for all. Martha may know how to fashion a shank out of a bar of French-milled soap, but Gwyneth is out here literally setting people on fire. People reports that two men were sent to the hospital after catching fire during an in-store event at Goop’s Sag Harbor location while making table-top s’mores using candle holders filled with rubbing alcohol, “causing a large explosion and flame.” One of the men was so badly injured he had to be airlifted to the hospital and the other left in an ambulance. A spokesperson for Goop says that “no candles were in use at the time of the accidental fire,” possibly in an attempt to counter the rumors that Gwyneth’s vagina smells like burnt hair and BBQ ribs.

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GOOP’s Expensive “Virgin Alpaca Wool” Diapers Were A Stunt To Protest Diaper Taxes

May 12, 2022 / Posted by:

It was only a matter of time before GOOP dipped its snobby toe into the diaper game, and yesterday GOOP announced they had created a very GOOP-y disposable diaper made of virgin alpaca wool and studded with amber gemstones. It made perfect sense that GOOP would create something to collect poop, since they’ve been known to be full of shit. The diapers came in a pack of 12 that GOOP claimed to be selling for $120. But well, according to Gwyneth Paltrow, the reason for their little stunt was to protest the tax applied to diapers.

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