Gwyneth Paltrow Says Her Son Moses Is Really Proud Of Her For Selling Vibrators
Gwyneth Paltrow, a well-documented menace to vaginas, will not rest until every pussy in the northern hemisphere is scorched, throbbing, and begging for mercy. According to Entertainment Tonight, in addition to shilling capsules filled with sawdust that are supposed to make you horny, Goop is now selling a self-heating vibrator, and Moses, Gwyneth’s 15-year-old son, is really proud of her for that. She knows her audience, that much is plain. If you’re gullible enough to burn your coochie on her advice, you’re gullible enough to believe the dialog she puts in her kid’s mouths!
Gwyneth’s got a new Netflix series all about *s.e.x.* (for all her posturing, Gwyneth a prude at heart) as if we weren’t already traumatized from watching an *s.e.x.* ghost get expelled out of Julianne Hough’s ass by the chiropractor in her last series, The Goop Lab. The new show is called Sex, Love and Goop, and Gwyneth’s maximizing profits by selling sex toys and supplements on Goop. And the only thing sexier than dragging your teen into a conversation about dildos is to have that conversation with Ellen DeGeneres. ET reports:
Gwyneth Paltrow’s 15-year-old son, Moses, is quite the progressive thinker! Paltrow opens up on Wednesday’s episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show about her youngest child’s reaction to her company, Goop, selling vibrators.
“Can I tell you the sweetest thing? This really happened,” Paltrow shares after DeGeneres holds up the vibrators Goop is selling. “A few months ago, he said, ‘Mom, I was really embarrassed for a minute that Goop sold vibrators and then I realized that, no, this is great. You’re making people feel not embarrassed to buy something and that’s great! You’re a feminist.’ And I was like, ‘Thank you, my dear!'”
Paltrow, who shares Moses with her ex-husband Chris Martin, adds, “I’m sure he’s still embarrassed, but at least he’s putting a good spin on it.”
Pro-tip: Whenever Gwyneth says “this really happened,” it didn’t. Look, I just saved you a trip to the ER. Gwyneth already used this same anecdote on Jimmy Kimmel Live back in February 2020. Gwyneth went on to tell Ellen about the *s.e.x.* advice she gives to Moses and 17-year-old Apple. via ET:
“I try always to be neutral on the topic,” Paltrow said of talking to her kids about sex. “I think my generation, we got a lot of messages around sex that made us feel bad about it.”
She continued, “I try to just be curious, and teenagers are never going to want to talk to their parents about sex, ever. I sort of follow their lead and luckily, in middle school they had a very thorough sex education, so the school handled the kind of birds and the bees parts. Then I am there for any questions, but the questions are pretty minimal.”
So basically ignore the topic and let them find out on the internet why you should be careful about what kind of foreign bodies you introduce into your orifices. But of course, being an expert in so many fields, Gwyneth does have some practical, concrete advice for her kids.
One piece of advice she will pass down to them is to “stay really close to your own truth.”
So do as mummy says, and not as mummy does. Stay close to your own truth, and don’t let anybody put words into your mouth (or any other hole). Ditto DTF capsules, because god only knows what’s actually in those things. Here’s the trailer for Sex, Love and Goop. Gwyneth won’t tell you this but those Wolverine claws are for EXTERNAL USE ONLY.
Pic: YouTube