Barstool Sports posted this picture on their Instagram yesterday of one hungry, hungry hippo earning its PhD in Butt Munching by swallowing that ass cheek up. Or maybe that hippo is a political performance artiste and this its way of commenting on the shit we have to deal with every time we look at the news.
You would think that Tom Brady would look at that picture and giggle while clapping endlessly over those silly hippos before Gisele Bundchen screamed at him that his afternoon snack of grass-fed grass crackers and organic air was ready, but he got it! The low watt, almost-burnt-out bulb in his head lit up and he got it was a joke about rimming, and he related.
Tom slipped into the comments and added three laugh-crying emojis with a “yep.” So I take back what I’ve said over and over again about Tom only eating grass, air, and organic water. Tom eats grass, air, organic water, and ASS! Or maybe that’s not what Tom is saying. Maybe Tom’s not the one who takes his tongue on a journey around Gis’ outer rim. Great, I just gave myself the image of Tom hopping out of the shower all giddy-like before spreading those cheeks and presenting his hole to his wife. No, Gis isn’t stupid. She can’t trust him to not mouth burp out some image-ruining crap about Trump to the press, and so she sure as hell can’t trust him to not butt burp during a salad tossin’.
Yesterday Vogue published an interview with Gisele Bundchen about modeling and whatnot, and she talked about the current generation of Instagram models. Gisele pissed off the Instagram modeling community more than the words “I’m sorry, but you’re no longer sponsored by hair gummies” ever could. Now she’s apologizing.
As Tom Brady asked a Met Gala server if the kitchen could whip him up a bowl of steamed organic grass lightly drizzled with distilled air, he was getting roasted on Twitter by haters who just can’t take his impeccable taste in suits that make him look like the day-shift manager of a Zorro-themed casino in Reno.
Tom Brady fans probably came up with a million ways to convince themselves that last Sunday’s Super Bowl loss wasn’t Tom Brady’s fault. Tom accidentally ingested a strawberry and it made him temporarily forget what a football was, maybe. According to USA Today, Gisele’s reported explanation to her kids was that the Eagles hadn’t won “in a million years” and that sometimes you have to “let someone else win” because “sharing is caring.” Gisele says she didn’t mean it like that.
It’s a good thing it isn’t below freezing in Boston today because everyone’s tears from the Patriots loss in the Super Bowl would have turned this place into a Kmart version of the Frozen set. The Philadelphia Eagles got their first Super Bowl win last night at the expense of Tom Brady and the rest of the New England Patriots. While most people were focusing on the commercials, the game, or anything that wasn’t Justin Timberlake, a few of us were keeping tabs on what Tom’s ladies, past and present, had to say about the game. Don’t worry. They had thoughts. Continue reading
BREAKING IMPORTANT NEWS: For the second time this year (that we know of), Tom Brady did a big boy thing by cooking something himself, and he cooked up something that would usually make him and Gisele Bundchen dry heave from the carb-y fatness of it all.
This past Thanksgiving, Trump’s bro boo made his grandma’s biscuits, and he made them again for Christmas. Tom and Giz don’t put any white sugar, dairy and white flour in their mouths, and unless Tom’s grandma was the original GOOP, I’m sure her biscuits are made with white sugar, dairy and white flour. Giz posted an Instagram story of Tom pulling a thing of biscuits out of the oven before slathering them with more butter. The way Giz says, “Oh my god, more butter,” tells me that she’s making a mental note to trash that measuring cup, brush, pan, baking sheet and oven because they’ve all been exposed to fat and carbs!
Get you a man that can do both… pic.twitter.com/v1aUrceGuo
— Only In Boston (@OnlyInBOS) December 25, 2017
And after Tom put those biscuits on the table, he and Giz looked at them for five seconds before he went off to the refrigerator to get the grass-fed grass that they really ate for dinner and she went off to put in an emergency training session with their trainer. I mean, has science ever really proven that you can’t ingest fat and carbs through sight? I think not!