Stanley Tucci Is A Daddy Again

About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.

Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:

“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”

Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.

And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Here’s Some “Say Yes To The Dress” Red Carpet Sophistication, Courtesy Of Marion Cotillard

Because my cable provider is a busted bitch who can’t get their act together and make a channel that airs nothing but Mad Men episodes re-cut to feature Don Draper topless in every scene, I spend a lot of time watching Say Yes to the Dress. I can basically predict the outcome of every dress based on hairstyle and nail choice of the bride. 10lbs of curled polyester hair? That bitch is getting a Pnina. Thick acrylic blow job nail tips? It’s going to have cut-outs around the waist and lace appliqué over the nipples (aka “something simple and elegant“).

Marion Cotillard, on the other hand, is working some dark short nails and slicked back no-fucks-given hair, which means that if she were on Say Yes to the Dress, she’s going to hate every dress that goddess Camille will pull for her before making a joke about wanting something that will look good with with her Converse sneakers. Then her grumpy mother-in-law Janet will shake her head and hiss “Marion, please, you only get one day to look like a princess.” And the fancy Dior dress Marion wore to the Critic’s Choice Awards last night is EXACTLY what she’d end up saying yes to if she was someone on SYTTD; it’s got a bodice she can wear a sports bra with and a skirt full enough that she can sit with her legs open.

Here’s more of Marion Cotillard at the Critic’s Choice Awards last night looking like a chick who is so fucking DONE trying on dresses at Kleinfelds, as well as Reese Witherspoon (who was serving up some last-minute bridesmaid at a David’s Bridal outlet realness), Jessica Chastain doing some kind of weird hair thing I would have thought was so classy when I was 12, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Jennifer Aniston Had A Pretty Good Time At The Golden Globes

If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.

First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:

As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.

Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Splash

Meryl Streep Had A Few Things To Say About Russell Crowe’s “Actresses Should Play Their Age” Comment

And Tracey Ullman was the best part of Meryl Streep’s response. But before we get into the wonder that is Tracey Ullman’s facial expressions….

Russell Crowe recently told The Australian Women’s Weekly that he’s too old to play the Gladiator, and he added that actresses who complain that there aren’t any roles for them are usually the ones who are in their 40s and still want to play the young ingenue. (I see Russell Crowe throwing belated shade at Joan Crawford for playing her daughter’s role in that soap. Bitch is going to get a wire hanger slap from the great beyond.) I wish Russell felt the same way about actors in movie musicals. Because if he felt that you should be able to sing if you’re going to be in a movie musical, my ears would have never been traumatized by his walrus warble in Les Miserables. Here’s a piece of what Russell said. You can read the entire thing here.

“The best thing about the industry I’m in – movies – is that there are roles for people in all different stages of life. To be honest, I think you’ll find that the woman who is saying that (the roles have dried up) is the woman who at 40, 45, 48, still wants to play the ingénue, and can’t understand why she’s not being cast as the 21 year old. Meryl Streep will give you 10,000 examples and arguments as to why that’s bullshit, so will Helen Mirren, or whoever it happens to be.”

Russell got a lot of hotel desk phones thrown at him for saying that, because many of the good, lead female roles are for youngins and the older roles usually go to Meryl Streep. Russell really shouldn’t have used Meryl Streep as an example. She’s in her own category. If she wanted to play a Japanese baby boy in a movie, they’d probably let her. She’s Meryl Fucking Streep.

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Emily Blunt Got Called Out For Saying She’d Rather Do Bad Theatre Than Do A Movie With Tom Cruise

In case you needed yet another reminder that everything you say will one day come back to haunt you (trust me, I’m not looking forward to the day I get stuck riding the elevator down to Hell with Pimp Mama Kris). During an interview with The Telegraph to promote Edge of Tomorrow, her upcoming sci-fi film with Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt was reminded by Telegraph journalist Helena de Bertodano of an interview she gave in 2005 where she said she “would rather do badly paid theatre for the rest of her life than ever accept a role as a spear carrier in a Tom Cruise movie”. Which is actually pretty kind, considering I’ve said bitchier things to an empty bottle of mustard.

Regardless, Emily did what any of us would do an denied denied denied like a 13-year-old who got caught shoplifting Kissing Coolers from CVS. Unfortunately, she didn’t count on Helena calling bullshit by pulling out the newspaper clipping from 2005 as proof. She’s been carrying that shit around since 2005?!? Vengeful hoes, take note! That right there is the definition of a bitch with a tight-as-hell long shade game. Knowing her ass was busted, Emily Blunt laughed it off by saying “That is so funny. Well, at least I’m not a spear carrier”, but you know what she really wanted to do to was snatch the newspaper clipping out of her smug hands and shove it up Helena’s de B-hole.

Helena de Bertodano may be a supremely shady bitch, but she’s also a major dum-dum. She’s obviously forgotten that Emily Blunt and Tom Cruise are tight now (going to a sex club really strengthens the everlasting bonds of friendship), which means her ass is Scientolo-cursed. When you mess with a friend of Tommy, you mess with Xenu! Say hi to Shelly for us, Helena!

And speaking of Scientology’s cutest lil’ slice of blueberry pie, here’s Tommy Girl working some serious “Young Gentleman” Sears catalogue realness at the photocall for Edge of Tomorrow in Italy:

Pics: Wenn

Emily Blunt Took Tom Cruise And Matt Damon To A “Sex Club”

Emily SmokeABlunt was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote that movie she did with Tommy Girl called Edge of Tomorrow. You know, it’s that movie that we all thought came out a million years ago, because it feels like they’ve been playing the trailer since before Christmas happened. They shot the movie in London, Emily’s hometown, so Jimmy asked her if she ever took Tommy Girl out. Emily did take Tommy out a few times including once to a burlesque club called The Box for Matt Damon’s born day. So Tommy Girl went into The Box (Mark that day in history: The first time that Tommy entered a box, because usually it’s the other way around) with them.

“It was the disgusting Matt Damon’s birthday party. What a loser. And so, John, my husband, wanted to do something kind of crazy for him, because he flew to London to spend his birthday with us. And John was like, ‘We’ve got to do something crazy for him.’ So I don’t know if you’ve heard of this club called The Box. It’s kind of a burlesque stroke sex club. I mean, people aren’t having sex. There’s like weird things that go on that are supposed to make you cringe and run for your life. So Tom loves Matt and Tom wanted to come. Earlier, I think he thought it was going to be a nice civilized dinner. So I emailed him and I was like, ‘Tom, change of plan. We’re now going to go to this club called The Box. I said, just wanted you to know. You may not feel comfortable with this. It’s kind of like a sex club.’ He emailed back and went ‘Jesus Christ! Well just don’t let me walk out of there alone!’ which we didn’t.”

I’ve been to The Box once a million years ago in NYC and if the one in London is like what the one in NYC was like, then I’d hardly call that shit a sex club. More scandalous and raunchier things happened in the homeroom of the catholic high school I went to for a quick minute. There’s more hard nips and exposed pussy lips on RiRi’s Instagram (RIP!). I don’t even know why Tommy was acting all shocked. A sex club should be nothing to him. I mean, bitch is a Scientologist. I’m sure he’s seen a naked and greasy John Travolta chant to L. Ron Hubbard in between eating chicken wings in a Scientology sauna. He’s seen dirty, dirty, nasty things. He’s seen it all.