The Blunt Krasinski Baby Is Here

You know, I think I bought two Blunt Krasinskis at the weed shop a few weeks ago.

Emily Blunt, the chick that I always look at and say, “You fucked Michael Buble once,” and John Krasinski are new brand parents. Emily birthed out their first kid, a girl, today. Julia Roberts might be feeling extra smug and is basking in the glory of the impact of her baby name choices, because Emily and John named their kid Hazel. Maybe they’re just really big Shirley Booth fans. John Twatted about their kid today:

Wanted to let the news out directly. Emily and I are so incredibly happy to welcome our daughter Hazel into the world today! Happy bday!

— John Krasinski (@johnkrasinski) February 16, 2014

HAZEL! I guess the whole “giving your kid a name that sounds like the name of a country mouse in a Beatrix Potter book” trend is never going to end. Slap me with a wet hand if you have to, but I kind of like the name Hazel paired with their last names. Hazel Blunt Krasinski sounds like the name a Polish mobster’s elderly NOT THE ONE mom who lets her son use her meat market as a front for his money laundering operation. Hazel Blunt Krasinski is always wearing baggy hose and she hasn’t smiled since the 1960s. But I hope she just goes by Hazel Blunt, because I’ve definitely bought at least two Hazel Blunts from my weed shop and Hazel Blunt sounds like the name of a white British lady rapper. They should call her Haze Blunt for short. I totally got high just from typing that name.

Pure Glamour: Christine Baranski As Cinderella’s Evil Stepmother In Into The Woods

Here’s Christine Baranski with a fluffy cloud of luscious wig hair (it kind of looks like Nancy Reagan’s 80s hair on steroids) on her head while walking to the set of Into the Woods at Dover Castle in Dover, Kent, England today. This is the look from the top to the bottom and I expect that in the Into the Woods movie, the Prince drops that bland, boring, Caulifloweresque Cinderella and tries to get with this tall goblet full of glamour.

And today, disappointment IS Googling “gay ren faire porn” after seeing Chris Pine in costume and coming up empty in more ways than one.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Emily Blunt And John Krasinski Are Going To Be Somebody’s Parents

Emily Blunt, who I always look at and say, “Girl, you’ve fucked Michael Bublé,” is going to start shooting the Into the Woods movie in a quick second and in that shit, she plays the Baker’s Wife, a woman who can’t have kids. So while she’s playing a woman who can’t have kids, she’ll have a real-life fetus growing in her womb. Acting! I kind of hope that the director doesn’t cover her growing fetus balloon (the search for “baby bump’s” replacement continues) with trees and Johnny Depp’s stuffed wolf bulge, so that she’ll be talking about not being able to have kids while visibly knocked all the way up.

Anyway, both People and UsWeekly say that 30-year-old Emily and her 33-year-old husband of 3 years John Krasinski will be covered in drool and newborn caca in a few months. Emily is pregnant with their first kid. Some source tells UsWeekly that Emily and John recently bought a bigger house, because they need a larger place to put their future kids in:

“They both want kids, it’s one of the reasons they got a bigger place, in a neighborhood that you can raise a family. They both couldn’t be more excited.”

Oh, the rich. When they get knocked up, they buy a bigger house. When the regulars get knocked up, they replace the dusty, unused treadmill in their master bedroom with a crib from Target. But you know, buying a bigger house when you’re knocked up is a good idea. It’s nice to have as many rooms as possible to run into and weep while your newborn roommate screeches at all hours of the night.

Congrats to Emily and John’s unborn baby who will soon be able to call Stanley Tucci “Uncle Tooch.”

And here’s Emily and John at LAX a couple of weeks ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Time Tommy Girl Got Spanked By A Cross-Dressing Club Hostess

John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You’d think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can’t say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy’s ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.

Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, “Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle.” A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, “They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

For that cross-dressing hostess’ sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy’s definitely a squirter.

That Dress Puts The Blunt In Emily Blunt

And just like that, you’ve found the perfect dress to wear to the 4/20 prom tomorrow! At last night’s Tribeca Film Festival Premiere of the Five Year Engagement, Emily Blunt wore dress that Betty Draper would wear if Snoop Dogg was the head costume designer on Mad Men. Emily is giving us good shit eleganza, but she should’ve went all the damn way. This is missing some tiny bong earrings, blood shot eyes, a sequined Doritos bag as a purse, rolling paper bracelets, high heels with a grinder in the platform and hair styled so that it looks like she’s been running her hands through her mane like crazy because it feels so soooooooooooft. Emily’s stylist, Willie Nelson, needs to really blow the theme harder in our eyes next time.

It’s a good thing that RiRi wasn’t around, because she would’ve stuffed Emily in some rolling papers and smoked that bitch up!

Here’s a few more tricks and tramps at last night’s premiere: Jason Segel, Olivia Wilde, Shaun White, Amy Poehler shoulder hugging Aubrey Plaza, Cuba Gooding Jr., Kim Cattrall, Victor Garber, Robert DeNiro with his wife Grace Hightower and Leelee Sobieski looking like a creepy lady you meet in the empty aisle of a book store only to find out later that she’s the original owner who died 65 years ago (dun dun dun)!