It’s been approximately nineteen seconds since the birth of KarBark (or it is BarkNey? BarkAshian?) and Travis Barker has already made the good decision to get Kourtney Kardashian’s name inked over his nipple knob area. I know, the real news here is that Travis actually found space on his body for another tattoo. “Yeah, and it just had to be over me. Fuck me,” said his nipple.
“Well well well…” said Prince Harry, as he stepped out from behind the curtains in The Queen’s drawing room holding a iPad. “Looks like someone will be borrowing my ‘Whoops, I didn’t mean to do Nazi stuff‘ apology.”
The Queen’s army of corgis are no doubt giving each other awkward glances in the halls of Buckingham Palace today, because footage of The Queen giving a Nazi salute was released by The Sun yesterday. The old-timey video was shot in either 1933 or 1934 and shows The Queen, The Queen Mum, The Queen’s little sister Princess Margaret, and their uncle Prince Edward throwing their hands in the air, and yeah, they’re all really going for it. According to The Sun (and Wikipedia), Edward VIII was a Nazi sympathizer who once claimed Hitler was “not a bad chap“, and I guess he thought getting his tiny nieces to do the salute would be cute or something.
Then again, there is no sound, so maybe they were at a birthday party and were raising their hands to let the host know they all wanted a slice of iced sponge? Yeah, that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.
The Guardian says the editor of The Sun claims they released the video to “provide context” for attitudes before WW2. Uh huh. Sure, The Sun. Buckingham Palace has issued a statement about the footage, saying they were “disappointed” that it was being exploited, and question how The Sun got their hands on it. They also want you to know The Queen probably wasn’t serious.
“Most people will see these pictures in their proper context and time. This is a family playing and momentarily referencing a gesture many would have seen from contemporary news reels. No one at that time had any sense how it would evolve. To imply anything else is misleading and dishonest. The Queen is around six years of age at the time and entirely innocent of attaching any meaning to these gestures.”
They also made sure to remind everyone that The Queen served England during WW2.
Now Duchess Kate finally has some leverage the next time The Queen threatens to have the palace guards burn her collection of wedges. “Oh, I’m sorry – you think my wedges are offensive? Do I need to remind you what else is offensive?“
This weekend, the human version of a popped can of expired Pillsbury Grands biscuits Jonah Hill was walking through the Larchmont area of LA with a couple of friends when he started being followed by a couple of photographers, including a pap from TMZ with a video camera, who tried to ask him a couple questions. Jonah Hill refused to answer, probably because he was too busy mentally analyzing why his BFFs Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio haven’t returned any of his emails or phone calls lately. Even after one of the paps sarcastically comments on his hideous shorts by saying: “I like the shorts though, bro. They are pretty sexy”, Jonah says nothing.
Eventually they decide to leave him and wish him a good day, and that’s when that dumb fool opens his mouth and proudly hisses out: “Suck my dick, you faggot.” Yes, that was his response to the words “Have a good day”; calling someone the dirty double-g F-slur, “faggot”.
Dear Jonah Hill: The Wolf of Wall Street wrapped shooting in 2013; you can stop acting like a hateful asshole any time now.
And in true damage control fashion, Jonah has come forward to deny that he’s a husky homophobe and offer an apology ripped straight from the Alec Baldwin Apologies for Assholes handbook. Jonah appeared on Howard Stern on Monday to say he’s so sowwy for using the “disgusting” F-double-G word because he’s been a gay rights activist since the day he was born (really, he said that) and that he has a gay best friend. Yes, he pulled the gay best friend card. Alec Baldwin just shed a single rude, thoughtless little tear of pride.
He also claimed he’d NEVAH say such a hateful word, but he couldnt help it! It’s not his fault! He lost his cool and burped out the word “faggot” to the paps because they had been following him around all day, talking shit about his family. He then went on to say:
“I’m pretty good at making movies. I am not good at being a famous person.”
The first part of that sentence is debatable, but the second part is 100% correct if you remove the word “famous”.
Oh sweet succulent schadenfreude in the making, is there anything more beautiful than bearing witness to such an obvious future mistake? Don’t get me wrong, a tattoo on your chin is a present-day mistake, but it’s the use of the word “forever” than has me positively beaming. Wait, is that a tattoo of Florida between his eyebrows? Dear Louvre, throw Mona Lisa into the trash and hang this in its place.
Rick Ross, the husky rapper with permanent sleepy puppy face, posted a picture of his most recent tattoo to Instagram as a way to prove to the world he’s never heard the Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” or seen Johnny Depp’s messy Wino Forever tattoo. Yes, Rick Ross gave his bank account the kiss of death by tattooing the words “Rich Forever” on his chin. Unless he meant ‘rich’ in the way you describe a cheesecake, in which case, I’m with you Rick Ross. Delicious rich foods forever.
Now, I’m no Miss Cleo (I wish) but I do know that if we jump ahead to the year 2034, there’s like a 99.9999% chance Rick Ross will no longer be rich. Why? Because Coolio, that’s why. And also, as Emily Blunt proved yesterday, everything comes back to bite you in the ass. Rick Ross might as well go ahead and legally change his name to Rick Ross Dress For Less, because I see being a broke bitch in his future.
In case you needed yet another reminder that everything you say will one day come back to haunt you (trust me, I’m not looking forward to the day I get stuck riding the elevator down to Hell with Pimp Mama Kris). During an interview with The Telegraph to promote Edge of Tomorrow, her upcoming sci-fi film with Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt was reminded by Telegraph journalist Helena de Bertodano of an interview she gave in 2005 where she said she “would rather do badly paid theatre for the rest of her life than ever accept a role as a spear carrier in a Tom Cruise movie”. Which is actually pretty kind, considering I’ve said bitchier things to an empty bottle of mustard.
Regardless, Emily did what any of us would do an denied denied denied like a 13-year-old who got caught shoplifting Kissing Coolers from CVS. Unfortunately, she didn’t count on Helena calling bullshit by pulling out the newspaper clipping from 2005 as proof. She’s been carrying that shit around since 2005?!? Vengeful hoes, take note! That right there is the definition of a bitch with a tight-as-hell long shade game. Knowing her ass was busted, Emily Blunt laughed it off by saying “That is so funny. Well, at least I’m not a spear carrier”, but you know what she really wanted to do to was snatch the newspaper clipping out of her smug hands and shove it up Helena’s de B-hole.
Helena de Bertodano may be a supremely shady bitch, but she’s also a major dum-dum. She’s obviously forgotten that Emily Blunt and Tom Cruise are tight now (going to a sex club really strengthens the everlasting bonds of friendship), which means her ass is Scientolo-cursed. When you mess with a friend of Tommy, you mess with Xenu! Say hi to Shelly for us, Helena!
And speaking of Scientology’s cutest lil’ slice of blueberry pie, here’s Tommy Girl working some serious “Young Gentleman” Sears catalogue realness at the photocall for Edge of Tomorrow in Italy:
One-half of one of my favourite train wrecks of all time James Franco was on Howard Stern’s radio show Wednesday morning, where he once again said that inclusion of his name on Lindsay Lohan’s list of contaminated penises is either typo or a Lohan Lie (it’s a special kind of lie, laced with delusion and coke dust) and he swore up and down on his mother’s life that he NEVAH stuck his jizz joint in her coke clam. However, MTV says he did admit to doing something just as risky and dangerous as rubbing genitals with that contaminated crazy; he kissed her ON THE MOUTH. I just held my mouth in a tight embrace and reassured it I would never do something so careless and irresponsible.
“I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional!”
“When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy,” he said, recalling that their make-out happened when he was filming Spider-Man 2 in New York in 2004. “‘Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”
How young? Well, back in Spider-Man 2 times, Lohan was 17 or 18-years-old, and James Franco would have been around 26, which isn’t the worst, but any pairing that might get a thumbs-up from Wilmer Valderrama should always a bit of a red flag. Franco then reminded Howard about all the times she tried to bone him at the Chateau Marmont, adding this new Alex Forrest-y detail:
“She even broke into my room one time. I was on the couch and opened my eyes and there’s Lindsay in my room at 3 am.”
And I’m sure that’s when “nice guy” James Franco told her to close her legs, gave her a mug of warm milk, and sent her back to her own bedroom. Listen James, you want to convince us you never slept with Lindsay Lohan? It’s simple, really: just show us your penis. If it’s not covered in a weird freckled rash, smells like cheap self-tanner, and has an orange polyester hair extension tangled around the base, then you’re off the hook. You can send the pictures to either Michael K or myself (preferably myself).