About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.
Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:
“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”
Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.
And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.