Well, Edoardo Mapeli Mozzi blew his last chance to avoid being related to Prince Andrew and The Original Fergie. According to People, Edo and Princess Beatrice finally just went ahead and did the damn thing. They were married this morning in a private ceremony at The Royal Chapel of All Saints at Royal Lodge, Windsor (AKA her parent’s house). The ceremony was attended by a handful of close friends and family and was conducted “in accordance with all relevant Government Guidelines,” How romantic! It marked the first time THE QUEEN and Prince Philip have left their Quoronaqueentine (™) bubble since going into lockdown with 22 of their most loyal staff, 19 of which are in charge of operating Philip’s puppet-matronics.
Coronavirus just put on a pair of earplugs because the sound of an angry princess screeching at it is strong enough to take it out, finally.
In news we all saw coming faster than a virgin during his first time, Princess Beatrice and her fiance Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi (both giving you “zombie deers caught in the headlights” in the picture above) have decided that getting married on May 29 is just not possible. And the thought of picking out a replacement date hasn’t even entered their heads yet, so they say.
Edoardo Mapeli Mozzi has just been given yet another chance to cut and run before throws it all away by marrying into Britain’s #1 crime family. The Peaky Blinders ain’t got nothing on The Yorks! According to The Daily Mail, Princess Beatrice may now be looking to postpone her wedding for an entire year in the hopes that a big splashy royal wedding will be just the thing to “bolster the nation’s morale” after the coronavirus lockdown has ended. Apparently, Bea’s still chasing the dream of having a wedding to rival that of her sister Princess Eugenie’s, perhaps forgetting that that spectacle was deemed a ratings flop and waste of taxpayer money. I guess the oxygen level on whatever planet Bea is living on is thinner than her dad Prince Andrew’s Pizza Express Defense.
I feel like the universe has been trying to tell Princess Beatrice that the royal wedding of her dreams just ain’t gonna happen since the day she was born to that toe-sucking aficionado Original Fergie and that FBI dodger Prince Andrew. Even if neither of her parents’ many scandals over the years have managed to put the kibosh on it completely, in struts the coronavirus threatening to lick all the silverware and replace all of the DJ’s records with scratched singles of The Macarena. According to People, Bea’s scheduled May 29 wedding to Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi, has now been postponed for the third time. ¡Hey, Macarena!
Usually the lead-up to a royal wedding includes at least 12 months worth of stories about how hours of hand-beading imported crystals it will take to complete the gown and which of Queen Elizabeth’s jeweled tiaras will be chosen to compliment the buttercream roses on the wedding cake. And when the big day arrives, there are (usually) thousands of photographers and people lining the streets, hoping to catch a glimpse of the royal couple, or at the very least, Oprah. But when Princess Beatrice gets married to her Italian aristocrat fiancé Edoardo Mapeli Mozzi this year, it’s probably going to be a whole lot less extravagant than what you’d expect. And she’s partially got daddy to thank for that.
Maybe 2019 will finally be Princess Beatrice’s year. People reports that Michael K’s 5th favorite royal (after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN, Susan the Corgi and The Original Fergie) is “completely head over heels in love” for the first time since breaking up with her previous boyfriend of 10 years in 2016. Bea’s new beau is “34-year-old multi-millionaire property tycoon” Eduardo Mapeli Mozzi. People says Edo (as he’s known) and Bea have known each other for years but that the “relationship didn’t turn romantic until recently”. However, this wouldn’t be a story about Princess Bea if there wasn’t a whiff of scandal in the air.
The Daily Mail suggests that Bea and Edo’s romance may have overlapped with the relationship Edo had with his fiancé of three years and mother of his 3-year-old son. I fully expect Bea to start a campaign to collect the world’s trombones and smelt them down into a fiery miasma because Womp, Womp, Womp, Wahhh.