Coronavirus just put on a pair of earplugs because the sound of an angry princess screeching at it is strong enough to take it out, finally.
In news we all saw coming faster than a virgin during his first time, Princess Beatrice and her fiance Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi (both giving you “zombie deers caught in the headlights” in the picture above) have decided that getting married on May 29 is just not possible. And the thought of picking out a replacement date hasn’t even entered their heads yet, so they say.
31-year-old Bea and 34-year-old Edoardo, an Italian property tycoon, announced their engagement in September after being together for about a year. The plan was for Bea and Edoardo to get married on May 29 at St. James’ Palace in London with the reception happening at THE QUEEN’s gardens at Buckingham Palace. But soon, a stank dark cloud formed over her big day in the form of the disgusting tales of her dad Prince Andrew’s non-sweaty, child-groping paws. Because the media finally started to pay attention to Andrew’s friendship with dead pedo Jeffrey Epstein, there was a rumor that Bea was going to postpone her engagement party. But Bea’s engagement party happened in December without Andrew making an appearance. And then coronavirus came along.
As coronavirus spread more and more, there were tabloid stories about how Bea and Edoardo were going to downsize the ceremony, and then it was announced that the planned reception at Buckingham Palace was shit canned. I was beginning to think that Bea and Edoardo would get married in a Zoom ceremony, and THE QUEEN would make one of her minions jiggle the WiFi modem cord so she could complain of technical issues and bounce out of that boring bitch. But the whole thing has been dumped. A rep for Bea and Edoardo tell People that they’ll get to planning their wedding eventually.
“There are no plans to switch venues or hold a bigger wedding. They aren’t even thinking about their wedding at this time. There will come a time to rearrange but that’s not yet,” a spokesperson for the couple tells PEOPLE.
Given the latest announced on Thursday from the U.K. government that the lockdown will continue for at least three more weeks — in addition to the move away from gatherings outside of close family groups — the May 29th date made it impossible to go forward.
A source adds that invitations never even went out because of coronavirus.
That “bigger wedding” line is in reference to a story this week from The Daily Mail about how Bea was thinking of throwing a huge royal wedding after the coronavirus lockdown to “boost morale” in the country. Because you know, nothing will heal a nation that has been devastated by thousands of deaths and high ass unemployment rates like the sight of a privileged princess in a custom-made wedding gown that costs more than some people’s house. Your tears from getting evicted from your house after losing your job due to corona will dry from the hot sparkle rays shooting off of Bea’s diamond engagement ring as she waves to the plebs before going off to her honeymoon in The Maldives or wherever.
This pandemic has many heaving over the rich being rich, so if this marriage actually happens, she needs to not flaunt the fancy by doing a big stupid royal wedding. She needs to turn it all the way down by having her wedding at Pizza Express in Woking (Andrew knows the way) and by wearing a clearance section dress from ASOS. Bea needs to take a page from her mother The Original Fergie’s playbook by cosplaying as a peasant to win over the regulars:
Although, the next time The Original Fergie wants to cosplay like a peasant, she should wet up that mop more and put water in the bucket. That’s usually how mopping works. A tip from an actual peasant!