Charlize Theron Was Mean To Tia Mowry At A Spin Class

I’ve always had a like for Charlize Theron, because she auditioned for Showgirls, wrestled Teri Snatcher in 2 Days in the Valley and plays down river trash like no other. But my like for her began to die when she started regularly wrapping her lips around Sean Penn’s dick and when blind items suggested that she’s always been a raging asshole. And now, she’s really, really, REALLY gone and done it. Charlize was mean to one of the Sister, Sister sisters at the overpriced torture chamber known as EatYourSoul Cycle. Somewhere in the deep, smelly bowels of Hell, one of Satan’s minions is making up a cell for Charlize Theron, because that’s where you go when you’re cunty to one of the stars of ABC’s TGIF! Bitch is lucky she wasn’t mean to Kimmy Gibbler.

In an exclusive interview that I’m sure will be picked up and thoroughly analyzed by CNN, the BBC and Al-Jazeera, Tia Mowry tells InTouch that she’s a fan of Charlize’s work, so when she saw Sean Penn’s #2 homegirl (after the late Hugo Chavez, of course) at a spin class, she decided to say hi. Either Tia Mowry is Charlize’s least favorite Mowry sister or she’s an uneducated twat who doesn’t know a true star from the 90s when she sees one, because she did what most of us do when we see Sean Penn’s face: she rolled her eyes. Tia told this harrowing tale of her bitchy moment with Charlize:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”

Tia Mowry missed a really good opportunity to say, “GO HOME, ROGER!”

This was obviously a major misunderstanding, because I don’t know how anybody could be bitchy toward a Mowry sister.  Here’s what really happened: Charlize wasn’t rolling her eyes, her eyes were spazzing out, because she couldn’t believe that she was staring at the one and only Tia Mowry! And Tia Mowry left before Charlize could finish her sentence. Charlize was about to say, “Oh my God…..I can’t believe I’m meeting the star of my favorite movie Twitches!” Tia was actually the one being rude to Charlize. Oh, Tia, why did you have to be so mean to your #1 fan?

Charlize Theron Compares Gossip About Her Life To Rape

Those of you who have your pitchforks out in front of America’s bravest war hero Goopy Paltrow’s house for saying that reading mean comments about her on the Internet is like being a war, there’s been a change of plans. Type “from Goopy’s house to Charlize’s house” into your GPS and take your pitchforks to Charlize Theron’s house!

During an interview for A Million Ways To Die In The West with Sky News, the interviewer kind of set Charlize up when he said that he Googled her name before their interview and most of the stories that came up were about her personal life and not about her career. The interviewer said that the headlines felt “intrusive” to him. Charlize took the bait and ran with it and said that reading gossip about herself makes her feel like she’s been raped. Oh, Charlize, you gorgeous brain dead dumb fuck, take it away:

“I don’t [Google myself], so that’s my saving grace. I think it’s when you start living in that world and doing that, that you start, I guess, feeling raped. Well, you know, when it comes to your son and your private life, maybe that’s just me. Some people might relish in all of that stuff, but there are certain things in my life that I think of as very sacred and I’m very protective over them. That doesn’t mean that I always win that war, but as long as I don’t have to see that stuff or read that stuff or hear that stuff, then I can live with my head in a clear space. It’s probably a lot healthier than living in that little dark room.”

And she also compared gossip to WAR. BURN HER AT THE STAKE!

Publicists should really tell their clients that to be safe, if they’ve never been raped, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being raped. If they’ve never been in the holocaust, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to the holocaust. If they’ve never been in a war, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being in a war. It’s easy. We all would’ve said, “aaaah, that makes sense,” if Charlize said that reading gossip about herself online is a lot like boning Sean Penn while sober during the daylight hours. It makes you feel sad and gross inside.

And Charlize, Goopy Paltrow, Johnny Depp and Kristen Stewart should really start a support group. #YesAllCelebrities

Here’s Charlize, her son and the Sean Penn (working the hobo Alfalfa look) at LAX last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Charlize Theron Shits Over All The Gluten-Free Diet

Charlize Theron better wear full body armor from now on, because the gluten-free-ers are going to beat her ass with their rock hard, gluten-free bread for dragging them through a pile of cakes, pies and bleached white Wonder Bread. Chelsea Handler, who is friends with every single blonde trick in Hollywood, had Charlize Theron on her show last week and the topic of what she gave all her blonde friends for Christmas came up. Chelsea gave everyone gluten-free cupcakes and it made Charlize want to barf up her insides and rinse the taste of gluten-free vomit from her tongue by drinking a giant glass of liquid gluten spiked with sugar. In a part of the interview that was not-at-all planned or staged, Charlize goes off on gluten-free bitches. (Charlize didn’t mention celiacs or people allergic to gluten, but you better protect your eardrums now, because Elisabeth Hasselcrack will shrill out a 30-minute-long response to this.)

“I just think that if you are gonna send a gift, let it be enjoyable. Why send me a fucking cupcake with no sugar in it? What’s the use? There’s no use. It tastes like cardboard! And this was the ultimate test, I was in the middle of a fitting with a bunch of ‘fashion people’ and they love skinny stuff. I had them taste it and even they couldn’t eat it. Then I tried, I said, ‘You know, I love my cleaning ladies, I’m gonna give-‘ They wouldn’t even eat it. My dogs wouldn’t even eat it. I couldn’t get rid of the goddamned cupcakes in my kitchen.

I think the gluten-free thing is bullshit. I’m sorry, that’s just me. I don’t believe it and I think studies now recently just proved that it is bullshit. But I actually do think it’s bullshit.”

If a ho doesn’t want to eat gluten, because they’re afraid it’ll make them fat, I’m all for that. Because that means more delicious gluten for me! But I think it’s funny that Charlize is judging people for what they put in their mouths when her sucio, no-standards-having, disgusting ass regularly puts Sean Penn’s over-cooked Snausage dick in her mouth.

And if you ever want to eat anything again, stop watching that video at the 2:25 mark. No cake, gluten-free or not, deserves that.

Here’s Charlize, her son, her son’s topless doll and Sean Penn leaving a hotel in London today.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

“Hehe, I Can’t Believe This Hot Chick Is Crazy Enough To Want To Do Me On A Regular Basis”

I see that doctors have yet to treat the part of Charlize Theron’s brain that thinks it’s okay to publicly hold hands with the pit-cooked Alf doll Sean Penn. It’s not okay, Charlize! Charlize brought the charred German Shepherd to the premiere of A Million Ways To Die In The West in L.A. last night and she let us know that out of a million ways for her vagina to die, she’s choosing death by Sean Penn’s microwaved salchicha peen.

Sean Penn’s dick is probably one of the reasons why Charlize stays with his ass. She’s got a serious case of stage 10 dickmatization and any medical professional will tell you that if you’re riding Sean Penn’s peen and you willingly go out in public with him and smile while doing so, you’ve got stage 10 dickmatization in the worst way. Charlize probably doesn’t even care that Sean Penn makes her put on a Hugo Chavez mask and calls her comrade when he hits it from the front. She’s got it that bad. Get that Alf dick, I guess, Charlize.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Amanda Seyfried, Sarah Silverman, Michael Sheen and Seth MacFarlane who smiled to keep from crying, because he realized that Charlize considers Sean Penn an upgrade from him.

Pics: Wenn.com

Oh, It’s Just Bey And Jay Pulling A Totally-Not-Choreographed Stunt At The Met Gala

The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.

While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.

So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??

Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Sean Penn Moved In With Charlize Theron And Wants To Marry Her And Adopt Her Kid

If Charlize Theron told you that Sean Penn was moving into her house with her and her kid Jackson, you’d probably throw a subtle side-eye and then shrug since he looks like a rabid German Shepard with rabies and that will keep burglars away. Also, if that crazy bitch brings out the rage, she can always call the police and the 24-hour movers.

If Charlize Theron told you that she was going to marry Sean Penn, you’d probably throw a full side-eye and then shrug since a thing called divorce exists and you aren’t officially Hollywood until you’ve had at least 3 of those.

If Charlize Theron told you that she was going to let Sean Penn adopt her son Jackson, you’d use your eyes and fingers to call for an ambulance since she obviously needs an emergency MRI. Bitch obviously busted the part of her brain that operates reason.

Radar says that Charlize and scab-faced Sean have pressed the fast forward button four times on their relationship and are making plans to go from living together to raising a kid together. Somebody get Jackson a taser for his next birthday. The source (aka Sean’s publicist or Hugo Chavez’s ghost) said this:

“Sean is head over heels in love with Charlize, and her son Jackson. He is a totally different person around Charlize, she brings out the gentle and fun side that not many people have seen of Sean. To see this previously surly grown man, romping around Charlize’s backyard with Jackson, with a smile on his face would amaze Sean’s detractors. Charlize is getting Sean to not take himself to seriously. The two began talking about marriage in the last few weeks, after Sean moved into Charlize’s house. She has never wanted to get married, but seeing how Sean interacts with Jackson, she is having a change of heart. For the longest time, Charlize thought it was just going to be her and Jackson, and she was ok with that. For her to now be talking about getting married is a huge departure for Charlize.

[Sean is] in a very good place right now. He has been single for awhile after his divorce with Robin Wright. People didn’t realize how hard he took that divorce. He felt like a really big failure, he never wanted to be divorced. Charlize is truly the light in his life. He is even talking about adopting Jackson if they get married!”

Charlize has already convinced Sean Penn to turn all of his guns into an art piece and now he wants to marry her and play family and shit. If Sean actually transforms from a raging taint sore into a gentle and calm family man, then Charlize’s pussy needs to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Charlize’s pussy needs to be recognized as a skilled asshole whisperer.