Category: This Is Not Going To End Well

Mama June Got Secret Married To Her Piece Of Less Than A Year

June 1, 2022 / Posted by:

It’s been a minute since we’ve heard any news about mother of every year “Mama June” Shannon. I’d assumed that in her downtime she was just sitting around on the front porch; gnats gnawin’ on forklift foot while gummin’ on sketti and waiting for her next opportunity to assault our eyes and ears and exploit her poor daughters in front of a TV camera. Apparently, it isn’t safe to assume that hearing no news about her is good news, because the “Matron of Marannaise” herself was spending her time putting in the work to further fuck up her family members’ lives and got secret quickie-married two months ago to her newest questionable decision.

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Nicolas Cage And His Busted Wedding Tuxedo Walked Down The Aisle A Fifth Time, And No, He Didn’t Marry The Tuxedo

March 6, 2021 / Posted by:

57-year-old serial husband, part-time actor, collector of freaky museum shit nobody needs, and proud owner of a pimped-out tomb that’s going to host his weddings in the afterlife, Nicolas Cage made another totally solid relationship decision and realized he was missing the peace, bliss, and security of married life. Naturally, he fetched his still-warm, get-hitched duds and proposed to girlfriend of one year, 26-year-old Riko Shibata, via FaceTime for a fresh, modern spin on a much-abused question. Then on February 16, the lovebirds’ swirly rays of Spring-Autumn passion lit up the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas and they made it official.

This is Nic’s fifth round of I do, at least until I don’t anymore” and Riko’s first, heady hit of gleaming, forever-and-ever metal on her ring finger. Call me cynical, but something tells me it won’t be her last.

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Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin Are Engaged

July 8, 2018 / Posted by:

If your Sunday ritual of eating oatmeal and reading the newspaper while listening to “A Prairie Home Companion” was rudely interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System this morning, here’s why. TMZ had to cut in to give the world the breaking news that Justin Bieber has become engaged to Hailey Baldwin! Somebody check on Selena Gomez, because she either pulled a back muscle from dodging that bullet, or she’s working on a plan to upstage Justin’s engagement by getting her friend Justin Theroux to drop to a knee and put a ring on that finger in front of the paps.  Continue reading

After Dating For Approximately Four Seconds, Ariana Grande And Pete Davidson Are Engaged

June 11, 2018 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t been following the most enduring love story of this generation and beyond, let me give you a quick timeline of 24-year-old Ariana Grande Latte and 24-year-old Pete Davidson’s blossoming love:

May 10, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana and the Nickelodeon Eminem named Mac Miller broke up.

May 19, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was mumble moaning while humping on Pete Davidson from Saturday Night Live.

May 22, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was so dickmatized by Pete and he was so coochmatized by her that they got matching tattoos.

June 1, 2018 – Their relationship had already gotten to that phase where she burped up vomit-inducing dingles of cheese like, “I thought you into my life.”

June 3, 2018 – Pete definitely got two tattoos in honor of his girlfriend of three seconds.

June 4, 2018 – Ariana and Pete joked about procreating.

June 11, 2018 – THEY’RE ENGAGED!!!!!

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Nickelodeon Has Parted Ways With Dan Schneider

March 27, 2018 / Posted by:

Dan Schneider, the one on the left who looks like a discount Chris Farley impersonator, was in Head of the Class and later was involved with dozens of Nickelodeon shows. He was also the focus of some extremely unsettling rumors about him and kids. Yesterday, Nickelodeon announced they’re done with Dan Schneider. I have no idea why that is.

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Kevin Spacey Is Being Investigated For A Third Sexual Assault In London

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Aaaaaaand we’re back. After a brief hiatus with some House of Cards on-set racism allegations, we’ve returned to the continuing story already in progress. The one where we discovered that Kevin Spacey was allegedly living his life like a beta test of an app called Gropr. Kevin was already accused of using his position at the Old Vic theater in London to harass and assault numerous men. Scotland Yard has been investigating two complaints against Kevin Spacey, and TMZ says they’ve now got a third.

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