“Hey Kid, It’s Me! Your Ol’ Uncle Ragey!”

I’m no parent (unless you count the random squirrels I feed Frosted Flakes to from my bedroom window. Actually, you know what? I consider them children, let me start again). I may only be a parent to several raggedy-looking squirrels, so I don’t really know much about human babies, but isn’t it a thing that you’re supposed to wait at least a couple of months before you introduce your kid to the abusive shit-head you’re dating?

It was less than a month ago that we saw Charlize Theron and Sean Penn confirming their relationship through coffee, and already they’re taking a trip to Whole Foods with Charlize’s son Jackson? These bitches move FAST. Watch out, Boca Raton retirement communities; at the rate they’re going, Charlize and Sean will be coming for you in about 4 months. Since most oldies are deaf, this might actually be a perfect match. Sean could scream his face off at them about whatever pissed him off that day (losing at shuffleboard, someone turned the jets off in the hot tub while he was still in it) and they’d just sit there and go “That’s nice, man from I Am Sam. Would you like a glass of metamucil? You seem constipated.”

And regardless of what we think of how-soon-is-too-soon to introduce your kid to your fuck piece, can we all agree that it’s super irresponsible of Charlize to subject a kid that little to Sean’s face? He looks like a rotten jack-o-lantern that you discover when the snow melts in March. Note the last picture of Charlize and Sean; it looks The Great Pumpkin is giving her shit over soy milk. “Is that fucking unsweetened organic? I told you 20 times that I wanted vanilla. Jesus, I thought Rita was just a character from Arrested Development.”

(Pics via FlameFlynet)

Charlize Theron Changed Sean Penn’s Mind About Owning Guns

Charlize Theron should go ahead and get a bumper sticker for her car that reads: “Pussy So Good It Makes The NRA Shake In Fear!” Because at Sean Penn’s annual benefit for Haiti last night in L.A., he told everyone that a certain South African woman convinced him to send all of his guns packing. Sean was obviously talking about his current piece (UGH!!!!) Charlize Theron. In 1991, Charlize’s mother shot her father dead after he came home drunk, shot a bullet into her bedroom and threatened to kill them both. The police declared it was self-defense and Charlize’s mom never faced any charges. So Charlize hates guns as much as Sean Penn hates shampoo. E! News says that during the auction part of the night, Sean said that he asked artist Jeff Koons to make a special piece using all of his guns.

“Being provoked by this aforementioned strong woman and considering how liberating of bullshit and ugliness it would be not only get rid of the guns I have in the continental United States but also to destroy them, Jeff Koons and I had a chat the other day.”

The Silver Fox won the Koons piece (which will probably be called The Power of Charlize’s PUSSAY) with a $1.4 million bid.

So since Charlize convinced him to get rid of guns, she should also convince him to get rid of his shitty personality, all of his baseball bats, his sun dried tomato skin, his asshole temper and she should also convince him to take a dip in a Hazmat bath every now and again, because he looks like a piece of matted dog hair dipped in ass smegma.

But seriously, what I really want to know is who is going to convince Charlize Theron to get rid of Sean Penn?

Pics: Wenn.com

Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Got Coffee, Which Means They’re Totally Doing It

When Michael K reported a couple of days ago that there might possibly be a Charlize Theron/Sean Penn relationship floating around in the ether, I defiantly crossed my arms and shook my head no-no-no, because I refused to believe that someone as awesome as Charlize would make such a questionable decision. Well, looks like I should run a cold shower to cry into, because now there’s proof that Charlize is riding Sean’s rage-rod (his dick head is extremely red and the veins make little angry turned-down eyebrows). And by proof, I of course mean they did a Starbucks run together in Los Angeles, which means they are definitely doing it and it’s only a matter of time before they’re registered at Crate & Barrel (Sean needs new dishes to smash).

Oh Charlize, FOR WHY? I have lit my Our Lady of Merciful Stoners pillar candle and prayed the rosary, hoping that Based God comes to Charlize in a dream to show her the err of her ways. It’s her only path to salvation! I know she’s dabbled in douchebags before, but I fear this may be more than just a rebellious phase. Charlize needs an Abuelita in her life to tell her “I do not like this I Am Sam man” while whipping a chancla.

And of course Sean would sit in the car while Charlize ran inside and balanced 3 drinks of her way out. I’m guessing one is for Charlize, one for Sean to drink, and one for Sean to throw out the window in anger (“GODDAMNIT, I said extra-hot soy chai latte! This is barely 176 degrees!”) Who am I kidding? All 3 drinks are for Sean to throw.

(Pics via Flame)

Every Damn Celebrity Is In A Bikini: The Charlize Theron Edition

Katie Holmes is in a bikini! Jennifer Aniston is in a bikini! Marg Helgenberger is in a bikini! Alanis Morissette is in a bikini! EVERYBODY is in a two piece and now here’s Charlize Theron working a bikini and the hairstyle I had in the 5th grade (blame the hating trick at the JCPenney salon for doing that to me) in Hawaii yesterday. Before I pass out into a champagne and beer-induced coma tonight, I will say a little prayer that tomorrow we will be gifted with Carrot Top in a banana hammock carrot hammock.

The paps say that Charlize is staying at Sean Penn’s house in Hawaii WITH Sean Penn. I hope that Charlize and Sean Peen are just friends. I am already judging Charlize for that hair, so I also don’t want to have to judge her for fucking on Sean Penn’s charbroiled German Shepherd dick.

Pics: Splash

And This Is Why I Love Sean Young

Charlize Theron is an Oscar-winning actress, gets dozens of scripts thrown at her weekly, is considered gorgeous to many and is still relevant. Sean Young was in Blade Runner over 30 years ago, threw whatever dignity she had left to the side to shamelessly try to get the role of Catwoman, got fired from Dick Tracy, was on Celebrity Rehab and came in last place on Skating with Celebrities. So it is mind-bogglingly crazy that Ridley Scott would cast Charlize Theron in Prometheus instead of THEE Sean Young! If you detected even a drop of sarcasm in that sentence, then you need to get your sarcasm detector fixed, because I am serious.

Sean Young knows that she’s hot shit and at the premiere of her movie Jug Face, she told Entertainment Tonight that her Blade Runner director Ridley Scott should’ve cast her in Prometheus instead of that basic ho Charlize Theron.

“I am going to say this on the record – why in the hell does Ridley Scott have Charlize Theron in that part instead of me? It’s like she was bored out of her mind, you can see it, and it’s like oh my god! That would have been really good for me, right? It would have been a nod to people who like Blade Runner, it would have been like, ‘See, I’m using Sean again,’ right? Nah.”

Sean also recently said that when she heard Ridley was making another Blade Runner movie, she started calling his office and he hasn’t called her back. If Ridley doesn’t cast Sean in it, she thinks we should all boycott it.

I mean, what in the hell do you say to all of that?! When Sean Young is right, Sean Young is right! Charlize Theron might be hot, but Sean Young is so fucking hot. Sean Young just doesn’t give a shit and she hasn’t given a shit since before some of us were born. She don’t care! She is an iconic mess and anybody who has seen her delicately exquisite website (complete with a PayPal donation link) knows this is a fact.

No, Betty, That’s Not A Cigar In His Pocket. Yes, He’s Happy To See You…

Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she’d like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she’d like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White’s rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her “this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn’t come out” face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she’s once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.

GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).

And here’s Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.