Category: Charlize Theron
Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are Maybe Engaged
Right before the meaning of true love’s heart completely crushed from the weight of the Jeremy Renner divorce news, it barfed up most of its insides from hearing that Charlize Theron may really be engaged to burnt pizza bubble Sean Penn.
I can’t believe that Charlize’s bad decision (aka fucking Sean Penn repeatedly) has been going on for a year. Time really does fly when you’re wet heaving up chunks of half-digested food while picture Sean Penn snort coke off of Charlize’s coochie lips. Rumors about Charlize getting engaged to Sean Penn shat up all over the internet in July, but she quickly denied that mess. But UsWeekly (via Refiner29) says that the Mowry-hating Wicked Witch of Soul Cycle really is engaged to a piece of angry salmon jerky.
During a vacation to Paris last month, Sean asked Charlize to take the relationship to the “next level.” Now, if a boyfriend asks me if I want to take it to the “next level,” I’d guess that either he wants my HBO GO password or he wants to do ass-to-mouth. But Sean wants to make Charlize his third wife. The source said that Charlize said yes even though he didn’t give her a ring. A different source tells E! News that they’re not engaged yet, but they’re talking about weddings a lot.
I think I’ve burned at least 80,000 calories from wrinkling my face while judging Charlize for proudly humping on that burnt piece of steak fat left on the grill, so I thank her for that, I guess. I’m past the point of judging her (HA! I actually typed that with a serious face), so I’ll just say that Sean Penn must cum pure coke and I hope that she lives in a furniture-less yurt free of chairs.
Charlize Theron Feels Young People Are Unwise, Is Dating Sean Penn
Charlize Theron’s stock continues to plummet. She was such a hot piece! I don’t mean her looks. I mean she had a past, she beat up Teri Hatcher, she had Meryl Streep taking several seats after what she pulled off in Monster, and, well, Young Adult. She even threw shade at a Sister, Sister and that’s just funny. But Sean Penn. And then she compared gossip about her to rape. And now this interview…
And then for some reason our society just wants to go…it’s like a dead flower. [She pulls a flower from a vase.] It’s like we wilt for some reason.
Yeah, it’s that bad. She used props.
The Sister, Sister SoulCycle Saga Continues: Charlize Theron Isn’t Trying To Get Tia Mowry Banned
Even though that’s the kind of ice-cold stare that says “Well, technically I am, but you’ll never know about it until a delivery van pulls up to your house with an old busted stationary bike from the 80s and an envelope taped to the seat containing the cut-up pieces of your SoulCycle membership card and the words ‘This is your cycle now, bitch’ scrawled in Sharpie on a VHS copy of Mighty Joe Young.”
Earlier this week it was reported that some Hollywood actress named Charlize Theron was trying to get WB Legend Tia Mowry banned from her SoulCycle class after Tia told everyone the story about the time Charlize was an Academy Award-winning eye-rolling Grade-A cunt to her. However, E! says that a source close to Charlize (Sean Penn’s talking beef jerky balls) claims the South African earth angel would NEVER, and that the rumor that she’s trying to strong-arm SoulCycle into making one-half of Sister, Sister disappear “is totally fabricated and completely not true.”
The source then added: “Charlize would never deny a nobody who was famous 20 years ago the opportunity to pretend to ride a bike beside one of the greatest living actresses of our time. It’s just not true. Charlize is a humanitarian. Why just last week she bought Cody from Step-by-Step a juice.”
I know that this source claims Charlize is cool with Tia and nobody’s trying to get anybody banned from SoulCycle and bla bla bla, but if I were Tia, I’d be suspicious the next time Rita from Arrested Development waves her over and invites her to take a seat on the bike next to hers. Don’t do it, Tia! There’s probably a bolt missing or the tension is all fucked up! It’s probably best she starts bringing that genius brother of hers along to her SoulCycle classes from now on to inspect all the bikes for Oscar-scented sabotage. If anyone can sniff out a shady bitch, it’s Teddy from Full House!
That Evil Sister, Sister-Hating Witch Charlize Theron Is Trying To Get Tia Mowry Banned From SoulCycle
Two weeks ago, we all learned a new disturbing fact about Charlize Theron: Bitch hates Sister, Sister!
One of the stars of Sister, Sister, Tia Mowry, bravely told esteemed American journal InTouch Weekly about the time that Charlize Theron treated her like piss jelly clinging to an expired urinal cake at SoulCycle. Tia said that she’s always been a huge fan of Charlize Theron and when she saw her at a spin class, she went up to her to say “hi.” Tia claims that Charlize rolled her eyes and said, “Oh God.” I’ve heard stories about Charlize Theron being a potent bitch wrapped in blonde hair, but I never wanted to believe it. But I guess there’s truth to it and sucking the rage juice out of Sean Penn’s dick has really brought the asshole out of her.
At the L.A. premiere of TMNT over the weekend, Tia told E! News that the whole story was blown out of proportion (translation: “Don’t sic your rabid dog on me, Charlize!“). Tia is over it and is done milking it for publicity, but apparently Charlize isn’t over it and is trying to get Tia kicked out of SoulCycle forever! To me, getting kicked out of SoulCycle is like getting kicked out of Hell. It’s a blessing. Someone saying, “You’ve been blacklisted from SoulCycle,” to me is like saying, “I care for you and care for the well-being of your legs and soul.” But to those rich Hollywood whores, SoulCycle is their life! They live and die by the cycle. Overpaying to ride a bike that doesn’t move gives them life. Getting banned from SoulCycle affects them the same way getting banned from an In-N-Out would affect me. Crazy-brained fucks.
So Tia getting banned from SoulCycle would be devastating to her and Charlize knows this. In a one hundred percent real story from Dish Nation (via ONTD), an “insider” at SoulCycle says that Charlize demanded that Tia be banned and when the managers refused, she threatened to take it to the top.
“Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen,” said an insider at SoulCycle.
“This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?” Theron said, according to employee.
Management said it would handle the situation, but a decision has yet to be made.
A NOBODY?! A NOBODY?! Let’s find out who the “nobody” is between Tia Mowry and Charlize Theron:
Charlize Theron has won an Oscar and has been nominated twice.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron’s movies have grossed hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron bought herself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and has been on a thousand “Most Sexiest” lists.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron makes millions of dollars from endorsement deals.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Um, you don’t need to pull out a pad of paper and a tiny pencil to calculate the score. It’s obvious that Tia Mowry won this. Tia Mowry owns the throne Theron. Charlize, please have a seat in the back row of the highest balcony.
And when asked for a response, the management at SoulCycle said, “Charlie who? Oh, you mean that Sister, Sister-hating nobody who is now taking spin classes at the 24 Hour Fitness in Panorama City?”
Here’s Tia “Bigger Than Charlize” Mowry at the TMNT premiere.
Pics: Wenn.com
Charlize Theron’s Smart Friends Are Warning Her To Think Twice About Marrying Sean Penn
I know I specified it was Charlie Theron’s smart friends who are warning her about making it legal with human-sized rectal prolapse Sean Penn, but I’m sure that even the dumbest, slowest mouth breathers in her life would be like “Damn bitch, do you need a lobotomy??”
Last week, Charlize was spotted wearing a fancy ring on THAT FINGER while strolling through the airport, and while she hasn’t commented on it (I’m sure the official statement will just be the words “Oh my god“ and a bitchy eye-roll), most are speculating that Sean Penn got down on one brittle beef jerky knee and popped the question. But according to the National Enquirer, Charlize’s friends are nervously tugging at their collars, because they’re afraid her life will turn into a remake of Sleeping with the Enemy:
Friends are concerned that the fairy-tale romance between the “Monster” actress and the “Milk” star could lead to a nightmare marriage. In 1987, Sean was sentenced to 60 days in jail for punching a movie extra in the face numerous times on the set of “Colors.” That same year, he was also charged with domestic assault after he whacked then-wife Madonna across the head with a baseball bat. In 2012, Sean uttered an amazing understatement: “I don’t control my temper well.”
“They’re urging her to think twice before finally heading down the aisle with Sean.”
Charlize’s friends sound like they mean well, but when your friend is Stage-10 dickmatized to a raging deep-fried asshole like Sean Penn, you need to do a lot more than “urge” them to think twice about getting married. You need to book them an appointment with an old timey hypnotist who can wipe their memory clean of his angry squished nutsac of a face. And if that doesn’t work, you force her to watch Shanghai Surprise, Clockwork Orange-style, over and over and over until the mere sight of his face makes her shudder with second-hand embarrassment.
And I hope Sean Penn’s friends are also warning him to “think twice” about marrying a TGIF-hating bitch like Charlize. He does know she committed an act of extreme disrespect by hissing at 1/2 of Sister Sister, right???
And Here’s The Burning Man-Approved Trailer For “Mad Max: Fury Road”
Because the only thing that comes out of San Diego Comic-Con are either pictures of Z-listers dressed up in janky superhero costumes or movie trailers, here’s the official trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, starring a buff-as-shit Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron looking like the broken condom baby of Lori Petty and The Terminator, and a two-headed lizard. Obviously, my favorite part was the lizard. What’s that lizard’s story? How did it get two heads? Is he related to the Geico lizard? Is the lizard Mad Max’s sassy two-headed sidekick? These are the important questions.
I have no idea how the nerds reacted when they saw this trailer, but Mad Max: Fury Road looks like both a damn mess (bad) and an amazing shit show (good). First of all, all that black makeup on Charlize’s forehead makes her look like what I imagine Teresa Giudice will look like 3 weeks into her prison sentence if her cellmate refuses to smuggle her in some Nair. It’s gorgeous. And a big round of applause for Lindsay Lohan, who was clearly the source material for the production designer. From the thick layer of toxic orange grime that’s coating everything to the dusty all-white dudes who looked like roided-up coke boogers, I truly felt like I was trapped inside Blohan’s left nostril. Well done.
My only issues are with the following:
1. Nowhere in that trailer do I see Tom Hardy snuggling a dog. Do dogs no longer exist in future Mad Max times?
2. WHERE IN SWEET SASSY BARTERTOWN IS TINA TURNER?!?! You can’t leave out the hottest Fraggle-haired ho from the Mad Max franchise. Without Tina Turner, who will sing the power ballad to Mad Max: Fury Road, which I assume is called: “We Don’t Need Another Hero, But Hollywood Is Running Out Of Ideas, So Here’s The Follow-Up To Beyond The Thunderdome That No One Asked For”.