Channing Tatum As Beyonce: Would You Hit It?

If you’re Alex Rodriguez, I’d know you’d hit it like the final pitch at the World Series. This is A-Rod’s dream girl. She’s got the 3 Bs: blonde, buff and butch!

On last night’s second season premiere of Lip Sync Battle, Jenna Dewan Tatum did herself up in bro drag (complete with Mimi-like painted on abs) to channel her husband Channing Tatum while performing Ginuwine’s Pony. Channing Tatum’s response to that was to tuck, pluck and fuck it up as Chanyonce while performing Run The World (Girls). Channing Tatum as Beyonce looks more like He-Man in drag as She-Ra. Chanyonce is giving me Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face on Madonna’s body.

The queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race have nothing to worry about, because Channing lip synched about as good as Brit Brit Spears after getting her mouth shot up with novocaine. But what Chanyonce lacked in lip synching skills, he made up for in charisma and pussy popping. A very special guest also strutted out at the end. Sadly, it wasn’t Jonah Hill who did himself up in Shakira drag to perform Beautiful Liar. Prepare your b-hole for puckering:

To quote Channing Tatum:

HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I love how Beyonce gave Chanyonce props at the end. I don’t think she even did that with Michelle Williams. Chanyonce and Beyonce should really be the Super Bowl Halftime Show headliners. Move over, Coldplay.

Channing also did Queen Elsa and this is obviously the role he was born to play.

And it weirds me out to say this, but yeah, I’d hit it until his wig popped off.

Open Post: Hosted By Quentin Tarantino At His Hand And Footprint Ceremony

As Channing Tatum, Zoe Bell, Tim Roth and Christoph Waltz watched, Quentin Tarantino pressed his hands and feets into wet cement during his hand and footprint ceremony at the TCL Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday. It doesn’t really make sense that they asked QT to press his hands and feet into a block of cement. Do they even know him?! If they really wanted to pay tribute to QT, they should’ve let him press his tongue into that block of cement instead. Just thinking about all those feet walking on his tongueprint at the Chinese Theater would probably make QT’s tip get more than moist.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

So, Now It Makes Sense Why Channing Tatum Can’t Stand Alex Pettyfer

Either Alex Pettyfer or Alex Pettyfer’s people (Does he have those?) have been trying to paint him as the new “bad boy” of Hollywood for years. Alex is supposedly shitty to work with and he bragged to VMan about how he got the words “thank you” tattooed over his dick just in case he forgets to say it. (I love a cocky b-hole douche so that made me swoon inside a little, but it turns out that his “thank you” tattoo is actually his name in Japanese. Getting your name tattooed in any language on your body is a zillion times more douchey than getting “thank you” inked into your crotch.) After Magic Mike came out, there was a rumor that Channing would rather toss a bitchy armadillo’s salad than work with Alex again.

They fought and Channing told people that he wants nothing to do with Alex. Alex was recently on Bret Easton Ellis’ podcast B.E.E. (via People) and he confirmed that yup, Channing hates him and he admits that it’s mostly his fault.

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I Guess Someone Didn’t Get The Memo That It Was A Halloween Party…

Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!

There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”

Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.

That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.

Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

False Alarm: Channing Tatum Is Still Doing That Gambit Movie

Good news for those of you who were really excited about the possibility of hearing lovable mumbling doofus Channing Tatum completely butcher a Cajun accent (raises hand). Last week, there were whispers going around that Channing Tatum was doing a slow shuffle towards the exit door in regards to the role of Gambit in that upcoming Gambit movie. I assumed it was because he kept referring to the playing cards thrown by Gambit as “the Go Fish game” or getting too distracted by the Jacks (“Dude, I don’t know why they’re called Jacks; they’re not that jacked“), but it was really just negotiation problems.

However, according to The Hollywood Reporter, those whispers were dipped in lies, because Channing Tatum isn’t walking away from Gambit. THR says that Channing Tatum and Fox worked out any problems he had with his contract, like backend compensation, and he’s officially signed on. Somewhere in a place where hot dudes hang out, Taylor Kitsch just got really bummed out and asked another hot dude for a hot dude hug.

This is absolutely wonderful news, because there is no one else in this world who is more perfect for the part of Gambit. In case you’re not familiar, Gambit is a mutant from New Orleans who is constantly in DTF mode. He’s basically that guy who spends all of Mardi Gras trying to get laid by calling every girl he sees “Mon Chérie” and asking if they’d like to touch his abs. Hell, I’d be willing to bet that Gambit has busted out some mutant stripper moves to Ginuwine’s “Pony” while throwing electrified cards with his phone number and dick size written on them. Channing Tatum isn’t Gambit; Gambit is Channing Tatum.

Here’s the real-life Gambit at something called The Dizzy Feet Foundation Gala yesterday with his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Adam Shankman.

Pics: Wenn.com

Demure Grace And Elegance Brought To You By Samantha Hoopes

What better way is there to end this day of celebration than with a human crystal flute full of sparkling natural beauty and exquisite sophistication?

The name “Samantha Hoopes” (pronounced: WHO?!) probably means as much to you as birth control means to bareback queen Bristol Palin. But believe it or not, Samantha Hoopes is not Duchess Kate’s personal stylist who keeps Prince William’s wife slathered in ladylike refinement. Samantha Hoopes is a Sports Illustrated/Carl’s Jr. model who was a shiny jewel of glamour in a sea of meh (see: Amber Heard) at yesterday’s Magic Mike XXL premiere in Hollywood.

Samantha wore a beautifully made gown from the House of Ho Shit that made her totally organic chest globes look like giant billiard balls straight from heaven’s pool table. I’m going to choose to believe that Samantha’s shoes are gold Lucite platform heels, because she’s obviously the kind of style icon who knows that no elegant ensemble is complete until you’ve slipped into a pair of Shauna Sand originals. If Samantha wore that look to the Met Gala, the floor of that museum would’ve been covered in silicone and weaves, because Beyonce and Kim Kardashian would’ve melted after seeing a golden goddess do it a billion times better than them. That dress is very AVN Awards trophy girl and nothing is more classic than that.

I also heard that as soon as the pro-life protesters saw Samantha on the black carpet, they dropped their signs and vowed to devote all their time to worshiping her.

And if you’re not immediately blinded by the sight of grace personified, here’s more pictures from the Magic Mike XXL premiere including some of Matt Boner and Adam Rodriguez who both wore clothes for some weird, unnatural reason.

Pics: Wenn.com