Open Post: Hosted By Quentin Tarantino At His Hand And Footprint Ceremony

As Channing Tatum, Zoe Bell, Tim Roth and Christoph Waltz watched, Quentin Tarantino pressed his hands and feets into wet cement during his hand and footprint ceremony at the TCL Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday. It doesn’t really make sense that they asked QT to press his hands and feet into a block of cement. Do they even know him?! If they really wanted to pay tribute to QT, they should’ve let him press his tongue into that block of cement instead. Just thinking about all those feet walking on his tongueprint at the Chinese Theater would probably make QT’s tip get more than moist.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Moment When The Heat From All The Lights Started To Melt Nicole Kidman’s Face

Behold, my new favorite beauty portrait of Nicole Kidman. She looks like a delicate and natural winter flower softly blowing in the ice cold breezes. Dr. Ernest Menville does impeccable work.

The Cannes Film Festival opened tonight with the cinematic crusty turd that will get Oscar-winning Nicole Kidman her second Razzie! Tonight’s opening night gala thing brought out the likes of Blake NotSoLively, Audrey Tautou and Jane Fonda who all gave face to the photographers, strolled into the theater and then ran out the back door, because there’s no way they’re going to sit through that mess of a movie. But even though Grace of Monaco is supposedly an embarrassment, Nicole Kidman still showed up looking like her face just came out of a grocer’s freezer. With that side ponytail, that ice face and that blue dress, bitch looks like she’s about to break out into that “Let It Go” song. But Nicole looks way more frozen than that Princess Elsa chick.

Luckily for Nicole Kidman, she didn’t have to go inside the theater and watch her crap movie again. As soon as the epitome of hotness that is Jane Fonda strolled onto the red carpet, Nicole Kidman melted into a puddle of cold water. She’s currently being rebuilt by ice sculptures.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Snickers Grocery Store Lady Looks Awful!

You know, it’s really wrong of me to compare Nicole Kidman to the Snickers Grocery Store Lady, because the Snickers Grocery Store Lady looks more natural and human-like than the Ice Queen of Australia. Case in point:

Anyway, the temperatures in the French Riviera have dropped to Ice Cold Bitch celsius and the local news reports that children have been seen running for their lives out of Cannes while screaming for mercy and that could mean only one thing: Nicole Kidman’s in town! Nicole Kidman took her frozen marble cutting board face to Cannes to promote the big, shiny turd that is Grace of Monaco. Grace of Monaco was supposed to come out last fall, but it kept getting pushed back, because Harvey Weinstein and the director Olivier Dahan fought over the final cut. Harvey thought it was too dark. Harvey’s right. A movie about a princess who has a stroke and dies after a car crash should be happy and feel-goody. Lighten it up!

Grace of Monaco is finally coming out and it’s opening the Cannes Film Festival. The royal family of Monaco always attends the gala premiere of the Cannes Film Festival, but not this year, because they think Grace of Monaco is a farce and made of lies. They’re not the only ones who think Grace of Monaco is a cinematic shit nugget. Most of the critics who saw it at a press screening at Cannes feel the same way. The reviews are a thing of beauty and make me want to see this mess. Here’s some of them:

The resulting film about this fantastically boring crisis is like a 104-minute Chanel ad, only without the subtlety and depth. Princess Grace herself is played by Nicole Kidman, wafting around the Palace with dewy-eyed features and slightly parted lips which make her look like a grown-up Bambi after a couple of cocktails, suddenly remembering his mother’s violent death in the forest. – The Guardian

Prior to 2001 the opening-night film of the Cannes film festival wasn’t such a big deal, more of an aperitif – a dry one, made with cinematic creosote – before the dazzling main course of the first weekend. Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge!, however, changed all that, bringing fun, glamour, Hollywood stars and lots of colour to the Croisette in a way that 1999’s dour opener The Barber Of Siberia couldn’t hope to. This year’s curtain-raiser shares quite a few things in common with Moulin Rouge!. It’s an easy watch, lush, stylish, stars Nicole Kidman and is often side-splittingly funny. The trouble is, it’s not actually meant to be a comedy. – Empire Online

Grace of Monaco will have its world premiere at the opening night of the 67th Cannes Festival this evening, although earlier it played to an audience of international critics, who even by the end of the first scene had started curling up, like startled armadillos, into tight little balls of embarrassment. Later, as the house lights came up, I watched a team of the festival’s beige-suited stewards hurriedly roll them out of the auditorium, like the barrel-trundling villagers in Whisky Galore. – The Telegraph

The BBC says that there was laughter during the press screening this morning.

I’m sold!

Well, now the producers of Hollywood know that if they really, really want to win as many Razzies as possible, all they have to do is cast an Australian actress to play a princess who tragically dies in a car accident. The formula works, apparently.

Here’s Nicole Kidman’s face looking like a hockey mask with make-up on it at the Cannes photo call for Grace of Monaco with Tim Roth today.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Trailer For Grace Of Monaco Is Like A Really Boring Perfume Commercial

Judging by the trailer alone, the video of Nicole Kidman getting knocked over by a wild pap on the loose is much more riveting, emotionally raw, layered and exciting than this Grace of Monaco shit. In Grace of Monaco, 46-year-old Nicole Kidman plays 33-year-old Princess Grace three years into her marriage. I don’t see one drop of Grace Kelly. All I see is Nicole Kidman moving like she’s in a perfume commercial and I kept waiting for her to coo out, “I love to dance!”  My chola cousin who was named after Grace Kelly (she really was) would’ve made a much more believable Grace Kelly.

They should just call this shit: An Ice Sculpture Wearing Pretty Clothes For Two Hours.