So, I Guess Lorde Didn’t Get Kicked Out Of Taylor Swift’s Squad For Hanging Out With Diplo

Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.

But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.

While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!

It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.

And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Gwen Stefani Admits The Obvious: “Make Me Like You” Is About Blake Shelton

You’d think that since Gwen Stefani has been just so subtle during the four months she’s been with Blake Shelton (see: Gwen Stefani done up like Monster Truck Rally Barbie above), that she would be above a tacky stunt like using a song to keep people interested in her relationship. But apparently you’d be wrong! Gwen Stefani was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to promote her new album “I’m Drying My Divorce Tears On A Cowboy’s Dick” and perform the latest single, “Make Me Like You.” She also talked about the music video she filmed live during the Grammys for “Make Me Like You“, in which she dances in front of a neon sign that says Blake’s.

I guess that neon sign too subtle for Jimmy Kimmel, or maybe he’s been in a coma for the last four months and thus missed Gwen and Blake’s hardcore PR blitz of a relationship, because he asked Gwen if “Make Me Like You” was about Blake. You might want to sit down for this one, because this truth is bound to shake you to the core. Gwen answered that, yes, it’s totally about her second boyfriend ever Blake.

A giant glowing neon sign with your current boyfriend’s name on it is pretty good way to get some attention, but I think Gwen can go bigger for her next music video. Maybe the next one is set in a tattoo parlor and features a character named Jake (because = subtle) getting a portrait of a pregnant platinum blonde pin-up surrounded by spiderwebs and oranges with the words “Is This Gwen? Maybe!” on his heart.

Here’s Gwen before Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night with her third kid, as well as Gwen dressed like a Bedrock THOT during the performance of “Make Me Like You.”

Pics: Splash

No Doubt Replaced Gwen Stefani

The other members of No Doubt (her ex-bf from her teen years, the guy in the diaper, and the…there’s another dude right? He’s tall?) finally admitted to themselves what the rest of us have known since the mid-90s. They’re merely overly dramatic doodler Gwen Stefani’s back-up band! With realization comes action, and they’ve tossed her out on her tartan bondage pants and 70s coke whore wigs and gotten a new guy!

Yeah, they’ve replaced their female lead singer with a dude. His name is Davey Havok, and he’s normally fronting a band called AFI. You know you’ve annoyed the very lifeforce out of your band when they replace you with someone of the opposing gender.

Billboard sez (via E!) that the band recruited Havok to take Gwen’s place when she’s busy flying solo (and cheesing it for the cameras with Blake Shelton for the umpteenth time. Seriously, spend a night at home. We get it. Cross-promotion is the newest fuck position. Check).

Obviously they got sick of waiting around while she named children badly and spun around in that stupid judging chair. They’ve reportedly already recorded a full album and are shoppng it around for a record deal. There’s no word yet on whether they’ll be using “No Doubt” as their band name. They should use “Full of Doubt” because this shit’s going nowhere. I’m not trying to hate. I liked “Spiderwebs” as much as the next 90s power pop-appreciating homosexual but let’s be truthful. Someone named Davey caterwauling a cover of “Don’t Speak” is not the look. Although, seeing as that’s the worst song of all time, it would probably be an improvement.

As you’ve probably read, Gwen dropped the track listing for her new record as well as the first single. You can listen to “Make Me Like You” below.

Check out more pics of Gwen mean-muggin’ the paps and taking her kid to church in North Hollywood last weekend in the gallery.

Pics: WENN

“Um Hello? I’m Rebounding With Another Musician Too, You Know”

Not content to let her ex-husband cause a massive nationwide drought with his latest thirst-quenching stunt, Miranda Lambert – seen above snuggling some sort of Brooklyn Bill Gates impersonator – decided to get in on the action too. And frankly, I’m SHOCKED it took this long. Shortly after Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton took their marriage out behind Pa’s barn and gave it the Old Yeller treatment back in July, rumors started going around that she practically had an air traffic controller directing dick to her coochie. So naturally I assumed she’d be the first to rebound.

Sadly, I underestimated the power of a desperate publicity team and it turned out Blake would beat her to it with Gwen Stefani (who are currently gunning for an ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Achievement Award). Miranda, however decided to take a much more subtle and traditional approach: she threw up a picture of herself and her new man in matching floppy hats to Instagram with the caption “The snuggle is real.” No public FaceTime chats? No shameless pop/country crossover duet? How positively quaint.

According to People, the hipster elf snuggling under Miranda’s blanket is a 27-year-old R&B singer named Anderson East. My initial response to that was to side-eye Miranda for breaking the half-your-age-plus-7 rule, but apparently she’s only 32. In which case, get it girl! Get that fresh five-years-younger rebound dick!

Speaking of quaint, here’s one-half of Stefon (I know, how DARE sully Stefon’s good name like that) doing her weekly pap walk at the nail salon with her phone screen in full view. And for once in what seems like forever, there isn’t a crystal-clear FaceTime call with Blake Shelton on it. But…but she always has a public FaceTime call with Blake Shelton open on her phone! Something is very wrong here – there’s clearly a disturbance in the attention whore force. Hold me, I’m scared.

Pics: Miranda Lambert, Wenn.com

It Was Really Only A Matter Of Time….

I don’t know the name of the puppetmaster in charge of Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s relationship, but I think it’s safe to say they deserve the biggest of holiday bonuses and their own wing in the Shameless Hall of Fame for this.

For the past two months, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have been working their post-divorce rebound love like the rent is two months overdue, and I naturally just assumed those predictable bitches would save a pregnancy rumor for sweeps week in February. But Gwen and Blake’s chronic dehydration is clearly much worse than we thought, and those thirsty tricks couldn’t wait. According to In Touch, Gwen Stefani is knocked-up with Blake Shelton’s baby. A source says that Gwen and Blake are “overjoyed“, adding that Blake “always wanted to have kids and now his dream is coming true.”

If this shit is true, this will be 46-year-old Gwen’s fourth kid and 39-year-old Blake’s first. No word on when Gwen will announce this completely true and not-at-all manufactured in the marketing department at The Voice news, but I’m sure it will involve a spinning red chair, with Gwen revealing the gender during a public FaceTime call at Disneyland.

The cynic in me side-eyed this “breaking news” so hard I sprained a corneal nerve. But the wine-drunk optimist in me just realized that if this news is true, then we’re less than 9 months away from one of Gwen’s signature bonkers baby names. If Gwen’s latest “Have I mentioned I’m dating a country boy?” couture is any indication, I fully expect her to bring the Hee Haw hard. Personally, my money is on either Skoal Boot Reba (buckshot noise) Walmart Stefani-Shelton, or TheVoiceMondaysandTuesdaysat8pmonNBC.

We Get It, Gwen And Blake, Your Love Is As Real As Real Can Be

The Voice is over, but Gwakes everlasting love will long live after all of our bones have turned to dust. Ever since Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton became a thing, I’ve been throwing a suspicious side-eye at them, because if it looks like a stunt, acts like a stunt and has been seen spending time with stunt troll extraordinaire Ryan Seacrest, it’s probably a stunt! But now that Uncle Blakey has been hanging out with her chirrun and they’re going on vacation together, I’m beginning to think that the tag attached to their relationship doesn’t read “100% FRAUDULENT!”

Gwen Stefani tweeted a Merry Christmas message to her followers and in it, she heaved up a video of human pair of truck nuts Blake Shelton disturbing the Botox by pecking at her face during what looks like a hunting trip. I watched it once and I’d rather watch a video of a 25-year-old cyst on an ass cheek getting popped in slow motion than watch this again.

Merry Christmas 🌲🙏🏻gx pic.twitter.com/n8ePUyLHpK

— Gwen Stefani (@gwenstefani) December 22, 2015

They’re both acting like they’ve never gotten dick or poon before. Although, I shouldn’t talk, because whenever I get dick, I have to call the emergency room and let them know that I will be coming in with a broken hip shortly, because I plan to do cartwheels down the street while screaming about how I got dick. But posting a video of you doing P-DOG (public displays of grossness) with your piece is a sign that you’ve got stage 8 dickmatization. I bet that if Gwen and Blake turned around, they’d find the bears, deer and squirrels of the forest looking at them like, “Get out of our house and get a room!”