Okay, This Whole “Gwen Stefani And Blake Shelton” Thing Has Gone Way Too Far Now

November 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s spokeswhores let the world know that his country dick is regularly doing the two-step on her ska-pop pussy. Blake and Gwen’s reps gave the announcement to everyone a quick minute before the CMA Awards started. Gwen didn’t go to the CMAs with Blake, which is weird, because I figured they’d 69 in front of Miranda Lambert on the red carpet.

When the rumors about Gwen and Blake started, I guessed it was all just some PR for this season of The Voice. But in the back of my brain was a terrifying, nightmare-inducing thought. I wondered if Gwen and Blake decided to make the most of their union by recording a skuntry (ska + country) duet that’d liquefy our eardrums. My nightmare (partly) came to life when an “industry source” told People that Blake and Gwen wrote a country ballad together. This is really turning into The Voice fan fiction written by a middle-aged mom who watches that show religiously. “Blake’s heart, and other parts, grew bigger with every twang that come out of Gwen’s mouth.”

“It’s amazing how good she sounds on a pretty country song,” says an industry insider. “And it sure is good to hear Blake singing real country again.”

Shortly after the new season of The Voice kicked off, the duo got together to write the mid-tempo ballad. According to the insider, the song has yet to be cut and is about telling a lover to leave the relationship if that is what they truly want.

Gwen and Blake’s reps could really teach a master class in subtlety at The Learning Annex. They released a statement about those two dating right before the CMAs and now this. I’m sure that as soon as I hit the publish button on this post, People will tell us that Gwen and Blake will debut the song on The Voice LIVE next week. This is not the song I wanted out of this situation. I wanted an anger-filled song from Miranda Lambert called “Blake Shelton is a Drunk Skank.” I know, that title is also too subtle, but it’s the only thing I could think of right now.

And here’s Miranda launching a thousand “What does it mean?” blog posts by wearing Gwen Stefani circa 1999 hair at the CMAs last night.

Pics: Splash, NBC

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