I know how you like to keep up-to-fucking-date on the current (possibly staged) relationship status of Rachel Bilson (that girl you always have to Google to get a clue) and Hayden Christensen (that dude you always have to Google to get a clue), so here they are sunning their SANS FARDS faces in Barbados yesterday. It was just the usual. Hayden took his hairy nipple quiches for a dip and since they both have the personalities of a bowl of room temperature buttermilk salad dressing, Rachel decided to spice shit up by abducting a child from the beach. I’m sure they all had an exciting time staring at the wallpaper seams in their hotel room.

Or maybe she’s doing her “bring down the house” impersonation of Mr. Magoo. Nope.

Suri Salt is definitely mad and singing out “I Want It Now” with her eyes. This is why I don’t want kids, but it’s also the reason why I love kids. They just don’t give one simple fuck and will throw a full body, anxiety-summoning tantrum wherever and whenever. Suri Cruise had one of those when she was carried out of Il Cantonrini in NYC last night. Suri threw the same mean mug Tommy Girl throws at his shoemaker when his platform heels aren’t high enough. Suri is delivering a death eye that even Dionne Warwick would skee-daddle from.

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tommy handled the situation by doing Scientology breathing exercises (aka put on a manufactured faux smile and remain clueless).

I’m not sure why Suri was mad. It could’ve been because of all the flashes, but then again it might have something to do with those pink UGGs on her feet again. When in doubt, blame UGGs.

Here’s a proud member of Disney’s whore harem Ashley Tisdale showing Vanessa Hudgens that she’s not the only one who is willing to put the skills she learned in Daisy Duck’s “How to Promote Your Family Friendly DVD Movie by Flashing Your Ass Crack” class to good use. But unlike Vanessa, Ashley made the wise decision of only getting half naked while in the presence of a professional photographer, lights brighter than Mah Boo’s smile (wink wink) and a team of Photoshop artists who were on hand to take pre-measurements and give Allure an estimate for their work.

Ashley and others (who you might have to Google to get a clue) cupped their breasts and shielded their vaginas for Allure’s annual “Put Photoshop to the Test Issue” (aka The Nude Issue). Every year, Allure gets a group of bottom shelf skinny celebrities to talk about their flaws (flaws that eventually get erased with the swipe of a mouse) and what they love most of their bodies. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. Why is it that Allure always gets the ones that I have no interest in seeing with their nalgas out.? I mean, Keri Hilson, Bridget Moynahan, Kaley Cuoco and Ashley Tisdale?! That’s like staring at a paper bowl filled with potato flakes and cold tap water. Give us Quween on the Scene, Antoine Dodson, Mah Boo and the First Lady of Cameroon. You know, some asses that are really worth the price of admission!

Although, I do like Ashley’s “farting on my toes” pose.

Here’s the rest of the pictures as well as some pics of Ashley shopping with her mother in NYC yesterday. If any Tisdale had to get naked, it should’ve been Ashley’s hot mom.

We’d expect nothing less from the forever elegant crystal unicorn princess and she knows this. So Mimi said “Poof!” to Vogue, dismissed Vanity Fair and instead chose to bare her overgrown butterfly cocoon for the cover of the tastemaking periodical of class that is Life & Style Weekly. When we all think of the words “life” and “style,” we automatically think of double knocked up Mimi airing her lamb pit out while wearing a wavy hair bra, so this is a perfect fit.

Mimi gets nekkid ass nekkid for her drivers license photo, so we knew this day was coming. To be honest, I was kind of hoping that Mimi would save it for a limited-edition Lisa Frank folder sold in select Walgreens, but this is a good second choice.

Mimi tells Life & Style that even though she wasn’t feeling totally camera ready fresh (Can I get an extra sparkly “HO, PLEASE”?), she knew she wanted to share this special Care Bear Stare with the world, so she dropped her pink satin marabou robe, brought her best eyebrow game and worked it like an Awkward Family Photos desk calendar model. Mimi cooed this out after the shoot:

“I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience. My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.

The babies were kicking almost the entire time; it was unbelievable. Especially the girl — clearly she’s a diva in training! We didn’t start shooting until 1:30 a.m. because I was in the hospital from the night before until the day of the shoot with contractions five minutes apart!

Now I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who’ve had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples. We need to have Mother’s Day once a week!”

Why do I have a feeling that knocked up hos everywhere are going to request “The Mimi Set-Up” at Glamour Shots and Sears Portrait Studios all around the country? Sears better stock extra clip-on polyester falls just in case. Speaking of, that hair sort of makes Mimi look like what happened after Lady totally swallowed the Tramp’s noodle and more.

And no, we don’t need a Mother’s Day once a week, but we definitely need a Mimi Gets Naked Day once a week, because this is a refined work of understated art (add an “f” to art if you feel the need).

The only way a grown man like Brad Pitt could be this happy while having almost the same haircut as the Dutch Boy is if:

a) ho is drunk
b) ho is stoned
c) ho is all of the above

Brad’s lazy wrist says “tired of holding a joint in the back alley of that restaurant all night,” the twinkle in his eyes are saying “420” in Morse code and that smile is the same one I make when I’ve been open-mouth kissed by Johnnie Walker, so I’m going to go with C. Final answer!

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn’t play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton’s closet, so he’s not going to let Slimer’s menstrual fluid mess ’em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles “slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me” and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We’re all adults here (not really) and we don’t look at the winners of some children’s awards show! Adults don’t do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let’s continue the theme.

Here’s a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you’re going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.