As Tina Knowles nearly shakes her wig off out of fear that she’ll see security walking down the hallway with empty cardboard boxes in their hands, Beyonce has announced that she has scratched the “Beyonce’s manager” part off of her daddy’s business card and shooed him away. Matthew Knowles services as Beyonce’s manager are no longer needed.

Daddy Knowles has been Beyonce’s manager since Destiny birthed out four yodeling wigs a long time ago! Matthew is the one who watered them with the sweat falling off his forehead from working the ho stroll and watched them grow into international superstars!!! Mathew is also the one who drove disobedient DC members into the middle of nowhere and pushed them out of the car with only a cold sack lunch in their hands when they tried to outshine Beyonce. And now, he’s out. AP brings the news that will singe every weave in Texas:

Beyonce’s publicist, Yvette Noel-Schure, told The Associated Press in a statement Monday that the Grammy-winning singer and her father have parted ways “on a business level.”

Knowles has managed his daughter since she debuted as a teen in the multiplatinum-selling group Destiny’s Child in the late 1990s and throughout her superstar career as a solo artist.

Beyonce says in the statement that she is grateful for the role her father has had in her career. She adds that “he is my father for life and I love my dad dearly.”

Solange’s full belly cackles will be busting the floor boards tonight! That’s until the basement door opens and she sees Matthew Knowles shuffling down the stairs with his head in his hands. The insulation in the basement is bad enough, and now she has to listen to Matthew muttering “fuckmylife” to himself all day and night.

And Papa Joe better log in to make sure his password is still good, because firing your daddy could be in the air.

My laptop must have swallowed an acid tab in the form of a virus, because it somehow directed me towards the bizarre world of Lift Off! Most of you probably already know, but Lift Off was this Australian children’s TV show in the 90s that dealt with “real life issues” and was based on the ideas of a delevopment psychologist. So it was extra trippy. It’s like if Sesame Street’s letters of the day were W-T-F. The characters included a talking elevator who acted like a therapist to the children, a one-eyed tube-like plant (ZERO COMMENT from me) and talking backpacks. Lift Off has given Dlisted enough Hot Sluts to last a blog lifetime, but we’ll start with EC.

EC is not only the new keeper of your nightmares who will yank out your eyeballs and bash your mouth out (If EC can’t have eyes, you can’t have eyes!!!!), but he was also a puppet that represented “every child.” More like EVERY nightmare. Here’s the scene where the children discover EC after he falls off a dumpster truck and comes to life for them:

THE WHAT?! I’m surprised the license plate on that trash truck doesn’t read: 666. That living doll (who is obviously a dark-sided spawn of Blank from Dick Tracy) came to life and those children still took him in? That shit is CHUCKY in disguise! And then they take EC to their apartment building and introduce him to the one-eyed plant? Whatever those kids are snorting, I’ll take a couple of lines myself.

Fernando Flores, Our Lady of Cheetos‘ former bodyguard who hit her with a sexual harassment lawsuit after he claims she tried to get down his chonies and flashed his labia rinds at him, is struttin’ his foolery on the ho stroll yet again. This time Fernando is licking his lips, shaking his ass and promising to flat line your retinas by releasing a bunch of nekkid pictures that Brit Brit allegedly sent him. Only your retinas are probably used to it by now since they’ve already been brought back to life by defibrillator paddles after they died the first time they got a glimpse of her coochieronies.

But Fernando still thinks that pictures will cause Brit Brit’s fans to feel SHOCK and DISGUST. After sliding a check between their cleavage, a “friend” of Fernando’s told The Sun, “They are really explicit images that will shock and disgust the majority of her fans. Fernando says he can prove the photos were taken on Britney’s phone and sent to his mobile. He says she sent them last April when she was coming on to him on a daily basis. He left the following month. Some of the pictures show Britney with the camera between her legs. Others show her in provocative positions wearing lingerie. There are a few where she is naked, exposing herself in a way that she clearly hoped would make him aroused.”

That dumb fuck Fernando really needs to look up the meaning of the words “SHOCK” and “DISGUST.” The only way Brit Brit could ever shock us is if she didn’t have Chester the Cheetah’s paw print tattooed on her labia. And the permanent state of the swamp weave on her head has totally desensitized us from feeling disgust about anything the ho does. Besides, when you Google “Britney Spears pussy” you get this:

But you also get a dozen eye fulls of her chicken fried Doublelicious crotch sandwich. We’ve already ventured into that den. So unless Fernando gets pictures of Brit Brit doing something truly SHOCKING (like drinking from a cup that doesn’t say Starbucks on it, for instance), he needs to put his mouth hole over a bowl of STFU grits (prepared by Daddy Spears, of course).

The Chinese Cleavage Clamp – When we’re all chipping away in the trenches together in the near future, we can look back at this 5-minute long infomercial and sadly weep soil-stained tears about how we should’ve seen it coming. This is really how the Chinese is really going to overtake the world and enslave us all. WITH CHICHIS! They don’t need guns, tasers or the air from Chuck Norris’ swift kick to paralyze us. They will stun our ears with high-pitched squawks and then turn our eyes into hypnotic swirls with their drawstring titties! Bow down to our Chinese cleavage clamp overlords.

If I dropped Google Translate over this mesmerizing work of boob art, the subtitles would probably read: “Surrender, America. You are powerless against cleavage making sound effects.” It’s true.

Does your discount corset from the JcPenney intimates section magically pull your belly fat cells up to your chest with just the cinch of a string and the melodic sound of a robot farting? Nope! BOOBZILLA, we surrender!

via Buzzfeed

You really should tell your boss to pay you time-and-a-half for today, because it’s turning out to be an accidental holiday. Orit Fux already put the HO in holiday by giving us “Garden of Eden” glamour and now former Hot Slut of the Week Johanna Tukiainen is really putting the frosting flowers on the cake by posing like the delicate glazed cloudberry that she is in her wedding photos. If you don’t know who Johanna is, then the only thing you need to know is that she’s the official flower of Finland and the sole reason why the country is the biggest importer of fake tanner and Wet ‘N Wild frosted pink lipstick.

The daughter of Anna Nicole Smith and a Teletubby married some old dude in a fairytale wedding held in an ice castle on Saturday afternoon. The 150 degree fumes wafting off of Johanna’s skin (smells like burnt pumpkin seeds, old maple honey stain and sweat from an Oompa Loompa’s ass) almost caused the ice kingdom to melt into a pool of sadness, but otherwise the ceremony was as beautiful as a wedding between an overcooked sweet potato and Mr. Burns’ black sheep brother could be.

Oh, well there was one more issue at the beginning of the day. A black swan (they’re everywhere because of that damn movie) grew jealous of Joanna’s beauty and tried to peck her eyes out. But once it got an up-close viewing of her gorgeous face, it surrendered itself and gave up its feathers to further her beauty cause. Johanna wears her haters on her eyelids oh so well.

The article about Finland’s wedding of the year from iltalehti.fi is completely in Finnish (“DUH” – Charlie Sheen), but thankfully Google Translate exists. Google Translate has taken an article I don’t understand and turned it into another article I don’t understand

Johanna Tukiainen dream princess wedding took place on Saturday Saariselkä. Morsian oli varautunut kylmään jääkirkkoon muhkealla turkisviitalla, jonka alta pilkisti näyttävä valkoinen hääpuku pinkein koristein. The bride had prepared a magnificent cold jääkirkkoon turkisviitalla a peep over the showy white wedding gown with pink trim.

Tukiaisen perhe oli saapunut paikalle Tukholmasta. Tukiainen family had arrived from Stockholm. Vain Julia-sisko joutui jättämään häät väliin. Only Julia’s sister had to leave the wedding in between.

Tuore hääpari suunnittelee yhteenmuuttoa. Fresh young couple plans to move together. Virallisesti Arto Länsman asuu edelleen Ivalossa ja Johanna Tukiainen Helsingissä. Officially, Arto Länsman still lives in Ivalo and Johanna Tukiainen, Helsinki, Finland.

Uh huh. Let me translate it into one word: PERFECTION!!!!

Click here to see a gallery of images from this magical day. I’ve left a few below for you to sunbathe under. The last one really is something special and I really hope the Finnish government puts it on their currency. It looks like Johanna’s new husband went blind from staring directly into the pink sun on her mouth.

I think… But I’m not sure what kind of series of events led to National (pharmaceutical association) treasure Paula Abdul shaking, screaming and crying into the ear of a 911 operator on Valentine’s Day afternoon in Santa Barbara, CA. TMZ got a hold of a clip of Paula having a passenger seat meltdown and claiming that her boyfriend won’t pull over and let her out of the car. Listen to it here and then we’ll discuss.

Police officers visited Paula’s house an hour later, and she told them it was just a huge verbal fight and she wasn’t interested filing a police report. Paula’s rep said: “Arguments with loved ones are often times heated. After the call was made everything was worked out.”

Paula is FREAKING the fuck out in that tape and her rep didn’t say what made her so upset, but I’m thinking the reason has to be one of the following:

1. Paula’s boyfriend is a fellow crazy and on the abusive side (let’s hope it’s not this one).
2. Paula boyfriend fired her from the next Bratz movie.
3. Paula is shooting the sequel to The Chase with Charlie Sheen and she really got into character.
4. Paula’s OnStar malfunctioned and wouldn’t unlock her door.
5. One of Paula’s recurring acid (or morphine) flashbacks came back to haunt her and she was actually sitting on her bed with her dogs sleeping below (they wouldn’t move).

Even though it doesn’t make any sense, I’m going to say it’s a little of number 4 and a little of number 5.