Flavor Flav Was Arrested In Las Vegas For (Insert Every Misdemeanor Here)

That side-eye. That sneer. That mug shot. Flavor Flav looks the way I felt after my 2-day BBB (booze, buffet and beauty in the form of Mimi and Brit Brit) binge in Las Vegas.

Early yesterday morning in Las Vegas, the cops answered, “It’s jail time,” after Flavor Flav asked, “Do you know what time it is?” One of the vanguards who built Vh1’s kingdom of reality show fuckery found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his 2005 black BMW was pulled over for going way too fast. E! News says that at around 12:30 on Thursday morning, highway patrol caught Flavor Flav (born name: William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.) going 73mph in a 45mph zone. That traffic stop led to a treasure trove of charges. Flav was charged with six misdemeanors including DUI, speeding, possession of weed, driving with a suspended license, driving with an open container and driving with a bunk registration.

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Kim Kardashian Is Just Hearing About The Rumor That Kanye Is Getting It On With Riccardo Tisci

The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy’s creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you’re like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.

InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim’s followers told her that Kanye’s apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo’s apartments, which totally means that they’re doing it. InTouch’s source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.

“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.

Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life.”

Can I get a “BITCH, PLEASE“? If Kim hasn’t been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn’t care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.

I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.

What Old People Think Of Gay Sex

Davey Wavey previously asked lesbians for their thoughts on peen and he asked gays their thoughts on coochie, and now he’s asking disciples of Metamucil at The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center what they think of gay sex. First of all, I need to see some IDs, because some of these seniors look young enough to be Lindsay Lohan’s kid. Second of all, the priceless jewel in the pink knit vest won this round when she said “cum cum cum” and she won it again when she said, “I know when I was young I was chasing all the little dykes around.”

via Buzzfeed

Everything Is Perfect About The “Behind The Candelabra” Trailer

HBO finally released a full trailer for Liberace biopic “Behind the Candelabra” and I think it made me butt birth out a rhinestone-covered baby unicorn. In under two minutes, they gave us sequined vests, gallons of lip gloss, exquisitely applied eyeliner, bubbles, Matt Damon in a white Speedo, feathers, fur, a crystal-encrusted Rolls Royce chariot, gay drama and more wigs than a Knowles family reunion. If there was a close-up shot of a massage therapist’s dick, it would look exactly like John Travolta’s daily thought process.

And more importantly, the trailer gave us this:

When Rob Lowe puts on a middle-parted long wig he looks like a coked up Princess Stephanie in the middle of an orgasm and who knew looking at that would give me the puckers.

Things That Make Sense: The Vatican Bought Europe’s Biggest Gay Bathhouse

The double doors of the Sistine Chapel burst open this morning and a priest ran in while shouting, “Guuuurrrrrls, bring your cup and saucers forward, because have I got some T for you.”

As the cardinals gather together to pick the Catholic Church’s next big gay superstar, another ESCANDALO is hitting the church. The NYDN says that the Vatican spent $30 million to buy an apartment building in Rome that also houses Europa Multi Club, a huge gay sauna and club. Europa is like John Travolta’s idea of heaven, because it has a Turkish bath, a Finnish sauna and weekly bear nights.

Cardinal Ivan Dias of India, who once said that gays can be cured of their gayness, lives in a fancy 12-room apartment right above Europa. The Vatican had nothing to say about this.

So at 2 Via Carducci in Rome, there’s a place where men get naked, lick the sweat off of each other’s ass cheeks and listen to techno music while jacking each other off, and right below that is a gay sauna? Got it.

And these pictures are of the Europa Multi Club, but if it wasn’t for that tag, you’d probably think they were pictures of the cardinal conclave.

Gomer Pyle Is Gay And Married

Here I was thinking that Jim Nabors announced his undying love for peen on a “SHAZAM! I’M GAY!” cover of People Magazine in the 1970s, but I guess I was wrong. I guess Gomer Pyle never publicly slid down the rainbow while proudly waving a rainbow flag, but he is now. Gomer Pyle (which sorts of sounds like the name of a sex act you’d get into at a massive gay orgy) has married the man he’s been with for longer than some of us have been breathing air. Jim Nabors told Hawaii News Now (via Towleroad) that he married his partner of 38 years, Stan Cadwallader, on January 15th at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel in Seattle.

“I’m 82 and he’s in his 60s and so we’ve been together for 38 years and I’m not ashamed of people knowing, it’s just that it was such a personal thing, I didn’t tell anybody. I’m very happy that I’ve had a partner of 38 years and I feel very blessed. And, what can I tell you, I’m just very happy.

“It’s pretty obvious that we had no rights as a couple, yet when you’ve been together 38 years, I think something’s got to happen there, you’ve got to solidify something. And at my age, it’s probably the best thing to do.”

Jim and Stan met in Honolulu in 1975 and they’ve been there ever since. I would say that this is Jim Nabors’ second marriage, but apparently that rumor that he married Rock Hudson in the early 70s is a lie and he’s denied it a million times.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mr. Gomer Pyle and congratulations to all the bitches at their wedding who shouted “Well, GAAAAWWWWW-LEEEEE” after the grooms kissed. I’m going to choose to believe that at the reception, Jim Nabors serenaded his new husband with his stunning rendition of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” and I’m going to choose to believe that he changed the lyrics from “take my hand, precious lord” to “take my peen, precious lovah.”