It’s been a minute since I’ve heard the name Russell Brand––and probably for good reason as the comedian, ex-husband of Katy Perry and former sex addict is back…and making a full-blown ass of himself online by, what many are claiming is, mansplaining Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s video for WAP. Not only does Russell compare it to porn, but he even throws in a few mind-melting comparisons to Thatcherism.
No, not to Katy Perry. She’s way too celebrity and capitalist for his tortured comedian ARTISTE self. Russell Brand walked down the aisle for a second time, and this time it was to brand and lifestyle blogger Laura Gallacher. Interestingly, much like the Saturday afternoon offerings on TBS, this shit sounds like a rerun.
If you remember, Russell and Katy got married in a traditional Indian ceremony in Rajasthan, India. People magazine says this go ’round, Russell and Laura got married in a church near their home in England, and then hopped aboard a steamboat to go to an Indian-themed wedding. Huck Finn meets Bollywood? Eh, on the celebrity hierarchy of WTF?, this only barely moves the needle. But way to think outside the box, Russ!
Russell Brand, 42, ties the knot with Laura Gallacher, 30, before shipping guests including Kirsty Gallacher and N… https://t.co/GAou0Wxsz8
— The Sun Showbiz (@TheSunShowbiz) August 26, 2017
Guests included their 9-month-old daughter Mabel and other family members, as well as famous friends like Jonathan Ross, comedian David Baddie, and Oasis singer and noted pocketful of sunshine Noel Gallagher. Russell confirmed the news on his podcast Sunday by saying, “I’m living a married life now…I’m domestic.” Considering his wife is a lifestyle blogger, I hope married life means full-fledged war on taking that steamed vagine empire of GOOP down to the ashes!
A few years after Russell Brand and Katy Perry ended their marriage 2010, he said he hated living that tabloid celebrity life. We also found out that he broke up with Katy via text. That’s not exactly the set-up for a conscious uncoupling situation, but as it turns out, Russell has no bad feelings anymore.
Reformed messy slut and one-time Hollywood It-Brit Russell Brand has entered the next phase of his transformation into a normal, less messy person. Phase 1 was Russell, “desperate to start a family” (at least according to The Daily Mail), knocking up his girlfriend Laura Gallacher earlier this spring. Phase 2 was Russell putting a ring on Laura’s finger and turning her from Russell’s baby mama to Russell’s future wife. Phase 3 happened sometime recently when Laura gave birth to their first child.
According to The Mirror UK, Russell subtly let the arrival of his baby slip during a stand-up show in Nottingham, England last night. An audience member claims Russell told everyone that he had to get home ASAP because his “girlfriend just had a baby.” Russell reportedly ended his show before 9pm. According to people there, Russell didn’t elaborate further, like when the baby was born or if it’s a boy or a girl. A source tells The Mirror that Russell’s baby was born late last week. The Mirror thinks it may be a girl because a random fan congratulated him on his baby girl on Twitter.
The words Russell Brand + Dad would have been truly anxiety-triggering a few years ago, but Russell has calmed down in recent years, so it’s not that weird anymore. And honestly, he’s probably going to be fine. Years being Russell Brand is more than enough preparation Russell Brand needs for fatherhood. What’s going weeks without sleep and constantly smelling like a mix of barf and piss? I’m sure after the first week, Russell was like “Ah, this really takes me back to my 20s.”
Pic: Russell Brand
Last month we found out that Russell Brand, Hollywood’s favorite British person from the years 2008 to 2011, knocked up his on-again/off-again girlfriend of many years and non-famous person Laura Gallacher. Now he’s decided to make it legal with her. The Sun (via Page Six) says that Russell recently decided to make Laura his second wife and shared the news with their friends during a “hippie style” party at their house this weekend. I have no idea what “hippie style” means, but I’m hoping it involved Russell introducing Laura to guests as his “groovy soon-to-be old lady.”
As for why Russell, a famous person, didn’t announce his engagement in a famous people way, like Instagramming a picture of the ring hanging off the tip of Laura’s pregnancy test seconds after it happened with the caption: “She said yes! Thanks to @ClearBlue and @CustomBling for making this moment so special!” A source says Russell wanted to keep all the news about his baby and wedding hush-hush, and it’s all Katy Perry’s fault. The source claims that his “very public” (and later very messy) 14-month marriage to Katy Perry has caused him to become a more private person. His quiet at-home wedding announcement last weekend was more in line with his and Laura’s current life as “homebodies.”
The source adds that Russell decided to get married to Laura because he wanted to “do the right thing” after knocking her up. Laura was reportedly “delighted” to be asked. Laura says that now, but just wait until the first time her husband throws up a truly unflattering picture of her with no makeup on. Then we’ll see how “delighted” she is to be Mrs. Russell Brand.
It’s only just beginning to warm up here on the East Coast and it’s kind of touch and go. People have been cooped up inside and are ready to bust out their daisy dukes and make some regrettable decisions and dance moves. What’s the number one activity during winter house months? Humping. I’m preparing myself for a lot of pregnancy announcements. And speaking of pregnancy announcements, Russell Brand may haven given his girlfriend a case of the babies. Whoopee.
According to the Daily Mail, the master of rat’s nest hair styles and fashion inspiration for every guy you automatically know lives in L.A., and his girlfriend, Laura Gallacher are going to be welcoming a baby into the world in about four months. Russell and Laura have a long history but are now trying to make it for real. They first started going out in 2006 and have been on/off ever since. A source close to them said:
They have been living as a couple for the last six months and are determined to make a go of their relationship. It feels like a new chapter in their lives and the couple are enjoying every moment, including discussing baby names. Russell is absolutely made up. Most of his closest friends have children and he was desperate to start a family.
Apparently, Russell has wanted the baby and family life for quite some time. Some are saying that one of the reasons he and the human version of a grocery store sticker vending machine, Katy Perry, split was because she thought she was too young to have a baby. Russell has a reputation as something of a huge man whore – his exes and one night stands include Kate Moss and Courtney Love – but even the hoiest ho gets to a point where they long for more than awkward small talk after parts have bumped. Let’s just hope the kid gets Laura’s hair and not Russell’s rat’s nest. There’s no need for anymore of this.