Following Lindsay on her shopping trips won’t be easy, but it’s necessary. – Snarkley

Runners-up:

Google begins work on their new Streetwalker View. – snuffy

Now Japanese tourists can annoy New Yorkers in all directions with their god damn picture taking. – OurMissC

via FunPic

The Bodyguard is a ridiculous disaster of epic proportions, but it’s a perfect ridiculous disaster of epic proportions that doesn’t need to be touched. The dead fish chemistry between Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner… Whitney Houston delivering some Robocop goddess realness at that bizarre club… Whitney Houston wearing a Russian grandma’s wedding outfit and plastic earrings to the fucking Oscars… Kevin Costner’s orange juice addiction… Kevin Costner thinking that a stupid cabin in the middle of nowhere is a safe place to hide from a crazed stalker… These are moments and things that you can’t recreate! It’s impossible.

But Warner Bros. made over $400 million from The Bodyguard, so they’re going to try do it again. And aaaaaaaah-eeeeeeee-aaaaah don’t want this shit to happen. The hurtful details from Deadline:

Scripted by Lawrence Kasdan and directed by Mick Jackson, the original was a fairly straight ahead tale of a Secret Service agent (Costner in a Steve McQueen homage, down to his hairstyle) drafted to protect a singing diva whose life has been threatened by a stalker, then falling for her in a way he fears is a distraction from his job. The new version is similar, including the love story, but here the bodyguard will be a former Iraq war veteran who gets the job protecting the star as his first gig after leaving the Army. He discovers that the world of Twitter, Google Maps and TMZ has made access to celebrities easier than ever, making the job more difficult than ever. The goal is to take a young female singer with global appeal and give her the platform that The Bodyguard did Houston.

By “young female singer with global appeal” they mean Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Lea Michele (kill me) or Susan Boyle, right? Fuck my life with Kevin Costner’s samurai sword.

The only way I will accept this is if they cast Asian Boytina in the Whitney Houston role and Justin Bieber in the Kevin Costner role. Warner Bros. is already getting a ticket on the express elevator to hell for this, so they might as well go all the way.

DOUBLE KICK TO THE DICK UPDATE: And they’re doing Soapdish too…..

Will UsWeekly make up their damn minds?! One minute, they’re out screaming that RiRi yodeled out “Oh no no” when Ryan Phillippe offered to take her on a magic peen ride. But now they’re saying that Ryan did in fact earn a small fry from McDonald’s by getting his super sized freak on with Ronald’s sister from another mister RiRi. AND a few days ago Star Magazine flapped their shit about how Ryan and Amanda Seyfried are still going at it. We get it! Ryan’s A WHORE!

One source told UsWeekly that Ryan tried to get into RiRi’s Barbadian triangle over a week ago, but she wasn’t having it. However, a different source says that RiRi did take Ryan’s invitation and it wasn’t the first time. The source, who has obviously smelled Ryan’s saliva on RiRi’s crotch, said this: “She thinks he’s hot. They totally had sex. And it wasn’t even the first time! They initially hooked up when things were strained with [Rihanna’s ex] Matt Kemp back in early December.”

Seriously, I haven’t thought about Ryan Phillippe’s sex life this much since a few minutes ago when I Googled “Ryan Phillippe Naked.” But the time before that was when one of my friends said that Ryan must give good lady head since he mumbles like his jaw is operated by a lazy hamster. Apparently, mumblers know how to nibble. I don’t know. But it would explain why RiRi’s been twerking her crotch like her clit’s got the vapors.

Miss Switch from the 1980s cartoon TV specials titled The Trouble with Miss Switch and Miss Switch to the Rescue. By day Miss Switch is a substitute teacher who dresses like Lady Gaga’s version of Little House on the Prairie shit, and by night she rips off her glasses, shakes her hair cape out and becomes a sexy witch who is trying to stop her arch rival Saturna from destroying her. You know, the existence of Miss Switch totally slipped off my memory until Dlisted reader Ernie brought her ass up and she totally came back to me.

ABC would show The Trouble with Miss Switch a couple of times a year and I totally remember watching it on Saturday mornings while eating frozen Belgian waffles. Looking back, I now realize how I was able to nibble on a piece of frozen dough in front of an analog TV on a weekend morning. Miss Switch’s beauty and charisma made it so. What’s not to love? Miss Switch sort of looks like Gina Gershon’s prettier and younger post-op transsexual brother. In a Miss Cartoon Witch beauty pageant, Miss Switch would win the title over cartoon Samantha Stephens by a landslide. Bitch also has the eyebrows of a black cat’s tail and a jawline so sharp that she can carve a jack ‘o lantern with it. Further…more, she’s named after an abuelita’s second weapon of choice (after a chankla, of course)!

For the past 3 games of Jeopardy, past champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter have been fighting to the death with Watson, an IBM supercomputer that’s as powerful as 2,800 computer and contains over 15 terabytes of RAM. Jeopardy wanted the answer to the question, “Are you smarter than a supercomputer overlord?” The answer is: Can I Google for the answer on our supercomputer overlord? OF COURSE, the supercomputer won! Computers win at everything!

A dude could dump my ass on my birthday after telling me that my b-hole lips are too thin and my dog is ugly, and I’d possibly suffer through a 10-second long moment of watered down sadness. But if when laptop quits my ass while I’m trying to watch porn, I fall to the ground in a fetal position and beg it to take me back. Computers own us, and Watson owned both Ken and Brad last night. Watson came in first and won $1 million for his two charities. All hail our supercomputer overlord, Watson. Here’s the last 10 minutes of last night’s game:

Watson is now lounging with Synergy while both Ken and Brad hand feed him ice cold terabytes.

Justin Bieber normally looks like a grown woman posing as a 12-year-old boy decoy in To Catch A Predator, but in Best Buy’s Super Bowl commercial he looked like the exact opposite. Hairy beaver alert. Justin perfectly resembled a middle-aged child toucher who smells like gasoline and body odor and shows up to the decoy’s house with a bag full of condoms, duct tape, Slim Jims, Spanish Fly and a mix CD of boy band songs. That’s definitely the face you’d find staring back at you if you went to investigate the strange rustling noise in the bushes outside of your bedroom window. A face that only mace and the National Sex Offender Registry could love. This is The Lesbeaver’s way of proving to all of us that he can successfully star in a one-Bieber production of The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane.

And if Geico ever needs someone to play a caveman inspired by Peter Horton, they know where to find Justin.

Here’s the hairless Beaver strolling around with his cougar girlfriend Selena Kay Letourneau in Santa Monica yesterday. For someone who will have to enter the Witness Protection Program in a few months, Selena looks so happy. It’s amazing what a publicist’s love arrow can do. Girl better be getting a cut of Justin’s profits, because she’s going to need it to get a face transplant and head lipo so the crazed Beliebers don’t recognize her.