I just watched a video of a Memphis Animal Services employee dump live puppies into a trash can without trying to find them homes, so whatever operates the emotion in my system labeled “offended” is completely out of power. Not that I’d be offended by Lars Von Trier’s words if I could. It’s hard to take the incoherent ramblings of a crazy person seriously (<— what most bitches say after reading this blog).

During a press conference at Cannes for his movie Melancholia, filmmaker Lars Von Trier let out a heavy stream of verbal diarrhea about Nazis, Israel, Hitler and…well…I’ll just let him take it from here.

“I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He’s not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I’m not for the Second World War, and I’m not against Jews. …

I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I’m a Nazi.”

Instead of saying he’s a Nazi, an easier way of getting out of that sentence would be to stick his foot further down his mouth until his toes stuck out of his ass. Then Lars wouldn’t have been able to say what he said next:

“I don’t have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don’t know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?”

The Associated Press says that at this point, one of Melancholia’s stars, Kiki Dunst, leaned over and told Lars that “this is terrible.” Kiki later told the press, “He likes to run his mouth. I think he dug himself in a deep hole today.”

Yup, and lounging at the bottom of that hole is John Galliano, throwing Lars a seductive come hither look. One way to threaten Galliano with a good time is to declare that you’re a Nazi.

Here’s Lars Von Hitler with Kiki, Charlotte Gainsbourg and John Hurt at the Melancholia photo call yesterday.

The Asian Pat Ayako Imoto who has become the breakout star of my inbox because of the brush strokes of mystery over her (???) eyes. Kirstie Alley thought that her new size 4 (HA! ) Thetan vessel was getting all of the attention, but little did she knew that out of the darkness came a curious creature in a red windbreaker that says “I wear the free stuff that’s in the gift bags of all the work-related conferences I go to“, a white turtleneck that says “2 for 1 at Land’s End, don’t hate” and eyebrows that say “?????????????”

When I first saw those brows, the first thing I thought about is how questions marks are looking stranger and stranger by the day, because I have no idea what the hell is going on above Asian Pat’s eyes. It’s like a pair of Marv Albert’s toupees made a run for it, tripped into tar and then stumbled onto Asian Pat’s face. I have no idea and I’m not going to try to figure it out. I’m just going to stand back and resist the urge to scoop piles of white rice and crab meat onto those extra thick layers of seaweed over her eyes. Sushi brows!

via Daily Mail (Thanks to everybody and their dealers for sending this in. No, seriously, my dealer sent this in too.)

UPDATE: Thanks to Lindsey for identifying Asian Pat as Japanese TV star Ayako Imoto! Ayako and her tar stripe brows are icons in Japan! I should’ve known that Japan was behind this fantastical magnificence!

As Angie Jolie, Jude Law, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani watched, Jessica Chastain nearly suffered third-degree heat burns in her palms when she held hands with live burning men, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt, at the Tree of Life premiere at Cannes today. On a positive note, if Jessica’s curls go limp, she could wrap her locks of hair around Sean Penn’s finger and wait until that shit starts to smoke.

I mean, we all know that Sean Penn uses lighter fluid as moisturizer and has the complexion of teriyaki beef jerky, but Brad Pitt needs to run away from the bronzer bath. Fighting the hot with orange grease is an illegal act! I just want to throw him into a stainless steel bin marked “orange chicken” at Panda Express. Dude just needs a turtleneck and he’ll be the front-runner for the lead role in a Robert Evans biopic.

Picking one Hot Slut out of the Eurovision finalists is like picking your favorite kitten out of a bundle of kittens, or like picking out which acid trip fucked you up the less. It’s impossible, because they’re all an LSD haze dipped in WTF and wrapped in AstroTurf imported from Venus. But this year, I’m going with Moldova’s Zdob si Zdub and their song “So Lucky.” This gnome shit circus is what you’d see if spiked the Olsen’s daily breakfast of fetus blood with angel dust. You can never go wrong when you’re wearing the Jolly Green Giant’s butt dildo on your head.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in!)

Paul McCartney’s savings account is still raw from Heather Mill’s butt fucking millions of coins out of it and now it has a new reason to cry while searching Google for reputable anal reconstructive surgeons. As you know, Paul McCartney is going to make New Jersey businesswoman Nancy Shevell his third wife and he’s going to do so without protecting his savings accounts with a butt plug in the form of a prenup. The Gold Digger Gazette has just found its sexiest man of every year.

A source tells Popeater that Sir Paul’s lawyers have put together a single-page document stating that Nancy won’t go after his fortune if they divorce, but there will be no prenup. Nancy is no Heather Mills and she not only has her own money, but her family’s bidet shoots out liquid gold (basically, they’re rich). The source goes on, “There’s no need to make marriage a business arrangement. They are the perfect couple. And have both had a huge impact on each other. She has once again shown him that falling in love doesn’t have to hurt. This one will last forever. She is the opposite of Heather and hates the public spotlight, plus she doesn’t need his money to live a great life.”

Sir Paul obviously doesn’t know that the only thing better than having a lot of money is having even more fucking money! Maybe Sir Paul’s naive optimism will work in his favor this time around (SPOILER ALERT: it won’t). But if Sir Paul’s future third marriage does find itself in a divorce casket, Nancy better go into hiding right away. Do not put it past Heather Mills to make a skin suit out of Nancy and assume her identity so she can collect a second divorce settlement from Paul. Heather Mill’s glorious gold digging ways know no bounds. Paul’s lawyers better make Nancy hop on her left leg before she collects her divorce settlement. Shit, Heather Mills can do that too, right?

Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen’s 2-year-old twin boys, Bob and Max, already know the words “winning,” “warlock,” “8-ball,” “ODed hooker,” “crack rock” and “jewface demon” from spending time with their daddy and now he’s teaching them yet another word they can tell their child therapist after they’re caught by authorities trying to escape to the hills to be raised by wolves. Charlie tells TMZ that while he’s taking care of his boys this weekend, he’s going to teach him how to say “rehab” since that’s where their mother spends most of her time. This Mother’s Day, Bob and Max are going to forgo giving Brooke the usual gift of a yellow handprint plaque and will instead give her the gift of saying “rehab” to her face. How fucking warming to the heart that is.

Charlie eloquently explained it like this to TMZ: “I am teaching them words, because they’re speaking now. I’m teaching them the word ‘rehab’ so they always know where their mom is.”

Charlie could be joking, but knowing his crack-damaged brain, he isn’t. Let’s hope he isn’t, though. Charlie really is the one to teach our nation’s children the important words they will need to know for future use. This just confirms that Fisher-Price really needs to release a “The Crackhead Says” See ‘n Say starring the voice of Charlie Sheen.