When The Fifth Element’s Diva Plavalaguna was savagely killed, her blood dripped down the stage, trickled to the edge of the ship and fell through the universe into the past and landed on a hibiscus bud in the middle of a Korean field. Nearby, the notes dancing off of a unicorn’s violin awakened the bud and out blossomed Hahn-Bin! Hahn-Bin is a prize-winning Korean violinist who is the Grace Jones of the classical music world!

Because I get all my important news stories from the third and fourth hours of the Today show, I only learned of Hahn-Bin when Jenna Bush interviewed him a week or two ago. But Han-Bin has been dazzling the world with his music (the only classical music I listen to is Vitamin C so handle my “dazzling” comment as you see fit) and and with his black lined cat glares that give Taylor Momsen an inferiority complex. I can even look past the fact that the ebony antenna of follicles on his head transmits our planet’s secrets to his alien overlords.

Here’s a really REALLY really long clip of Hahn-Bin spreading his music and glitter:

And here’s a few portraits of Hahn-Bin over the years. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen most of these outfits on the cast of The Real Housewives of NYC, but they don’t wear ’em like Hahn-Bin does!

Today is the day that you make your annual cyber journey to FTD to rush your mom a bouquet of tri-colored carnations that will be delivered in the glass vase she will never ever throw away even if it’s as brittle as the cracked glue that holds LeAnn Rimes Cibrian’s shame together. It’s also the day that chronic Twitterrhea sufferer LeAnn wishes you all a HAPPY BONUS MOTHER’S DAY!

“Happy Mother’s day weekend to all the Mom’s out there. The “Bonus Moms’, Godmother’s, Grandmothers and anyone who is a woman who helps love and raise children.”

You know, I did not know what a bonus mother was until I had to Google it for a clue. It goes way back and was invented by a stepmother who didn’t like the negative label of “stepmother.” Some think of a stepmother as a wicked cunt of a woman who will throw you a bitch eye while she kisses your daddy. I get it. But no. If my stepmother asked me to call her “Bonus Mom,” I’d give her a bonus in the form a dry heave.

“Bonus Mom” sounds like the title of a really bad 1980s comedy starring Dabney Coleman as an asshole boss who promises his longtime assistant (played by Andrew McCarthy) a bonus and promotion to drive his overbearing, planephobic monster-in-law (played by Maureen Stapleton) cross country to a family reunion. Of course, they will unwittingly getting into the wrong rental car at a rest stop and quickly find a suitcase full of money and drugs in the trunk. The rental car’s rightful owners, a pair of crooks (played by Cathy Moriarty and David Keith), chase them all over the country and mayhem ensues. In the end, Andrew McCarthy doesn’t get that bonus, but he gets something even better: the love of a strong woman (Maureen Stapleton). TWIST!

Actually, since I put it that way….

via UsWeekly

The chihuahua always gets the glory and fame for being the official dog of Mehico, but update the Wikipedia in your brain because that honor actually belongs to the Mexican Hairless Dog (not to be confused with Margarito)!

The Xoloitzcuintle dog is a rare and hairless breed who is native to Mexico and has been around so long that they once looked Columbus in the eye. The Xolo dog isn’t really known in the US and many have mistaken it for a certain Bravo reality star.

So in honor of Cinco de Mayonnaise, grab the nearest Xolo dog, or a freshly waxed cast member from Jersey Shore (no offense to the Xolo dog), and do a tequila mayonnaise shot off their belly. And don’t forget to beat a peeñata afterward! Happy Cinco de Mayo, pinche putas!

If you’re like me, then you’ve been clenching your nalgas together in anticipation of the names Mimi and Nick Cannon bestowed upon their baby boy and baby girl. So without further ado, you can finally unclench, because they have named them:

Moroccan Scott Cannon

and

Monroe Cannon

The names “Divaboo Honey Heart” and “Unicorniah Lambow” WERE ROBBED! But this is almost just as good, because CNN says Mimi named her son “Moroccan” after the name of her favorite room in her NYC penthouse. BITCH NAMED HER BABY AFTER A ROOM! It could’ve been a lot worse, though. Mimi could’ve named him after her second favorite room in her penthouse: The Rainbow Loo. Actually, Rainbow Loo would’ve been better than Morrocan.

Moroccan’s middle name is also Nick’s middle name. As for the completely unoriginal girl name of Monroe, Mimi says it’s an honor of her idol Marilyn Monroe. Butterfly please, we all know that Mimi really named her after Monroe Ficus.

Even though the school yard bullies are obviously going to call the boy twin “Moroniccan” and “Moroccan Scott” sounds like a sex act involving a hookah pipe, these names are pretty tame for Mimi. They don’t sound like citizens of Lisa Frankland who spend their summers in the Land of Caring. There will be a lot of butterflies out there who won’t even muster out one flutter today, because they’re sad that Mimi didn’t name one of her twins after them. Butterfly betrayal is the worst.

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

At last night’s White House Correspondents dinner, basic cable reality stars (see: Sarah Palin), actors of The CW (see: Ian Somerhalder) and half-shaven comedic teddy bears (see: Zach Galifnotgoingtogooglerightnow) sprayed their pits with fancy water to nibble on overcooked filet mignon and flambe their creme brulee desserts on the hot flame that shot out of Donald Trump’s dehydrated hairy toad asshole when Obama verbally double slapped him in the mouth over and over again. Watching a direct descendant of one of Jaba the Hutt’s hemorrhoids sit there with a mad scowl on his face is what would consider as feel good porn. Trump got trumped and I’m sure even the lone sparkle in my rhinestone heart named Melania Trump let out a laugh or two. Melania later told her sugar daddy that she wasn’t laughing, she was letting out a Slovenian boo.

As Obama poked at Trump with a LOL stick for that birth certificate ridiculousness, he just sat there with constipated smile on his face and squirmed like Melania whenever he gives her the “it’s about that time to fulfill paragraph 5, line 10 of your marriage contract” sex look. I mean, the dumb douche could’ve let out a fake laugh or two to show that he’s sort of a good sport, but he just had himself a pouty party for one instead. I really can’t wait to see how the Trump responds. He already used all of his “miserable fat cow” lines on Rosie O’Donnell, so I’m sure he’ll just say that Obama tells jokes like a Kenyan.

Click here if you want to see Obama’s full act (and click here for Seth Meyers’ speech).

And here’s a few pictures of who put oxygen masks over their face as Trump got roasted. In order: Salma Hayek with her husband Francois-Henri Pinault, Zach Galifakanakakaisisis, Trump with Melania, Paula Abdul, Shaun White, Joan Rivers, Amy Poehler with friend, Anna Paquin with Beeeehl, Ian Somerhalder, Briston Palin, Jane Lynch with her wife Dr. Lara Embry, Cee-Lo Green, Sarah Palin, Rachel Maddow,