The rage-filled overcooked salchicha Sean Penn threw a $10 million defamation lawsuit at Empire creator Lee Daniels last September for calling him a lady beater in so many words. Lee Daniels said in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter that baby wipes aficionado Terrence Howard gets a whole lot of hate “when he ain’t done nothing different than Marlon Brando or Sean Penn.” Sean Penn didn’t like that and sued him. Lee Daniels tried to get the lawsuit thrown out by submitting excerpts from a Madonna biography and articles from the Internet about the times that Sean allegedly beat her bad. The lawsuit wasn’t thrown out. And now Sean Penn’s lawyers have submitted an amended complaint complete with a declaration from Madonna herself.

Continue reading

For the new YouTube show :DRYVRS, Macaulay Culkin gave us a sort-of sequel to the Home Alone movies by re-telling the story as a grown and fucked-up Kevin McCallister. The deep, bloody gashes left on Kevin’s soul from his cold-hearted family forgetting about him never healed and he goes on about how the whole thing traumatized him. As a kid whose family “accidentally” left his ass at a rest step outside of the American-Mexican border in the 80s, I have always felt Kevin McCallister’s pain.

In the episode, Kevin’s wife Anna (A shout out to Anna Chlumsky?) is an Uber-like driver and when he has to fill in her for her because she got so coked up, he ends up telling his passenger the dark tale about how he had to fight off home invaders after his shitty family went on vacation without him.

That’s exactly how Kevin McCallister would end up. He’d totally grow up to be an unhinged, greasy, chain-smoking, Faces of Meth poster boy who only feels happiness when he slowly tortures criminals. I mean, your family forgetting about you once will mess you up, and your family forgetting about you twice will turn you inside/out. I bet that Dexter’s dad forgot about him a couple of times and that’s the real reason why he was the way he was.

And the only way this could’ve been better is if we found out that his wife Anna was Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.

Netflix has released the first teaser trailer and premiere date for the Michelle Tanner-less Fuller House, and really, it should’ve just been a long shot of Kimmy Gibbler standing there with a teased ponytail on her head. It would’ve gotten at least 4 million views in minutes. But instead, Netflix decided to bring the cheese in bucketfuls by showing shots of the house and the new Comet barking at the door as everyone helps DJ Tanner move in while a Miranda Lambert song plays. Get into the cheese:

Yes, that is a Lake Superior-sized pot of fondue, but I’m still going to binge watch it like it’s my religion in February.

I seriously nearly overdosed on sappiness when Aunt Becky (or was it Kimmy Gibbler, please don’t tell me it was Kimmy) says, “Deej, you don’t need movers, you’ve got us.” What kind of psychopath says that? Only a crazy who wants to get into your house and rob you says that. Normal people aren’t happy about helping a ho move. And after all these years, they still have that small gingham couch? Don’t they know that if they rent that place out on AirBnB a few times they’ll have enough money to buy a new living room set at Raymour & Flanigan?

Garage sale Barbie Stylin’ Head turned gold digger turned Bravo reality trick Kim Zolciak once said that she came out of the womb chasing dick. Well, she also came out of the womb with a thigh gap.

Kim really, really cares about having a space between her thighs that’s about as empty as her sense of dignity. Kim is always shitting up pictures on Instagram of her proud thigh gap. A few of her followers have accused her thigh gap of being as fake as everything else about her and said that she’s using tricks like Photoshop and pigeon-toed posing to give herself one. Yesterday, Kim let the thigh gap conspiracists on Instagram know that she’s always had one. When she was a newborn in the hospital nursery, the other newborns looked at her with jealous eyes like, “Bitch, stop faking that thigh gap!”

Date night but only have an hour! Gotta make time even if it’s quick I don’t need to stick my butt out or point my feet in to have a thigh gap I have one even if I stand on my head #BornWithIt #ILoveYouJuicy #IDontPostForYourOpinion #ItsMYIGSoIPostPicsOfMe #ThatsNothingNew BOOTS ARE FREEPEOPLE

The blond Kim Kartrashian isn’t only a natural thigh gap-haver, but she’s also a master of comedy, because she’s standing with her ass out and pigeon toed on purpose, right?

The whole thigh gap obsession is moronic and embarrassing, but now it all makes sense. When NeNe Leakes said that Kim needs to keep her legs closed to married men, she didn’t know that it’s impossible for Kim to do that. Kim’s legs are just so naturally skinny and her thighs are just so naturally tiny that even when she closes her legs all the way, they’re open. It’s not her fault that she was born that way!

Pics: Instagram

It’s daytime in Los Angeles right now, but the sun has already set, the birds have stopped chirping and dark clouds have covered the sky. (Just pretend and go with me.) The sun will probably never come out again, because it has no reason to. The only reason it comes out is to get a glimpse of the dandelion of eternal joy that is Richard Simmons and now that his rep has said that he’s living a happy life away from the spotlight, what’s the point?! What’s the point of anything?!

Continue reading

A few months ago, Azealia Banks allegedly spit in a French dude’s face and called a flight attendant a “fucking faggot” on a plane. After that mess, Azealia should’ve tried to chill all the way out by meditating in a Calgon bath while Enya played in the background and the soothing scent of angel whispers wafting off of a lit Glade candle filled her nostrils. Or she should’ve taken her ass to anger management. But nope, Azealia Banks is still being Azealia Banks and early this morning she got arrested after her delusions of grandeur got the best of her and she took a bite out of a chichi.

Continue reading