Open Post: Hosted By A Grown Kevin McCallister Talking About His Shitty Family

December 17, 2015 / Posted by:

For the new YouTube show :DRYVRS, Macaulay Culkin gave us a sort-of sequel to the Home Alone movies by re-telling the story as a grown and fucked-up Kevin McCallister. The deep, bloody gashes left on Kevin’s soul from his cold-hearted family forgetting about him never healed and he goes on about how the whole thing traumatized him. As a kid whose family “accidentally” left his ass at a rest step outside of the American-Mexican border in the 80s, I have always felt Kevin McCallister’s pain.

In the episode, Kevin’s wife Anna (A shout out to Anna Chlumsky?) is an Uber-like driver and when he has to fill in her for her because she got so coked up, he ends up telling his passenger the dark tale about how he had to fight off home invaders after his shitty family went on vacation without him.

That’s exactly how Kevin McCallister would end up. He’d totally grow up to be an unhinged, greasy, chain-smoking, Faces of Meth poster boy who only feels happiness when he slowly tortures criminals. I mean, your family forgetting about you once will mess you up, and your family forgetting about you twice will turn you inside/out. I bet that Dexter’s dad forgot about him a couple of times and that’s the real reason why he was the way he was.

And the only way this could’ve been better is if we found out that his wife Anna was Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.


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