If I was a royal, my Christmas card would be me laid out on my throne with my most opulent crown on my head and an “Eat Me, Morrissey” t-shirt on my body, and my butler would be right next to me pouring a stream of taxpayers’ tears into a solid gold goblet. What’s the point of being a rich royal if you’re not going to show out? But Duchess Kate and Prince William want to come off as a ~real~ and ~normal~ family, so for their Christmas card, they rented out a suburban family’s backyard and posed like they were in a Sears Portrait Studio.

This may seem like a regular, boring picture, but there’s a lot going on here. Prince George is working the seams off of those socks and his signature Mary Janes. Not since Cher from Clueless has someone truly owned the socks and Mary Janes look. Duchess Kate is still trying to make the best of those struggle bangs and is saying to herself, “pose like you’re in a Wella Balsam shampoo ad,” over and over again. Prince William looks like he’s trying to squeeze out a royal turd while staring at his son and smiling through the pain of knowing that he will never have a mop like that again.

And speaking of taking a royal turd, Princess Charlotte totally is:

Princess Charlotte is definitely blehehehe-ing on the inside, because she knows her ladies-in-waiting are going to have to work overtime scrubbing royal turds out of her satin bloomers.

Duchess Camilla and her forever tampon of choice also released a picture of their Christmas card to their subjects:

Yeah, I don’t even know why the British royal family bothers releasing these Christmas pictures, because the only one we care about is the one of Prince Hot Ginge wearing a Rudolph cock sock.

Pics: @KensingtonRoyal, Instagram

Before you two go any further, do you know how to protect yourselves from Hantavirus? – deedub

Upvote winner:

Of course just as the new Chipmunks movie is about to hit theaters, Alvin’s sex tape is leaked. – Froggae

Pic: Izismile

Blopens!

“Blopens?! I would’ve never dropped out if we had these in school,” said Lindsay Lohan somewhere.

Blopens are still around today, but their golden age was in the 90s. The Blopen is a mind-blowing magical invention that lets us blow our way to HIGH ART. The Blopen is the Jem! of markers, because on one side is just a regular marker (Jerrica Benton) and when you turne it around it becomes a magnificent wand of pure magic (Jem!). I never used a Blopen as a kid, but I used one when I got older. I created a sloppy spit mess. You’d think I’d be good at blowing. I bet that the Blopen was also a gateway drug for a lot of kids. If you inhaled real quick, you’d probably get a little buzz.

And as far as I know, nowhere on the Internet exists a video of a now-grown 90s kid sticking their old Blopen up their ass to make gorgeous fart art. The Internet has disappointed me.

Christina Aguilera (35)
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Josh Dallas (37)
Katie Holmes (37)
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Randy Houser (40)
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Rah Digga (41)
DMX (45)
Rob Van Dam (45)
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Stone Cold Steve Austin (51)
Brad Pitt (52)
Charles Oakley (52)
Angie Stone (54)
Ray Liotta (61)
Leonard Maltin (65)
Steven Spielberg (69)
Keith Richards (72)
Cicely Tyson (91)

Pic: Interscope

Prince Hot Ginge and Prince George carpooled to THE QUEEN’s house yesterday for a pre-Christmas lunch. As they pulled up, Prince George looked out the window and thought, “Sigh, I really hope Prince Uncle Ginge doesn’t get all drunk and emotional again, because I don’t want him telling me his stupid problems all night long…” – Lainey Gossip

Adele says she used to drink 10 cups of sugary tea a day. “Pfft, amateur!” said my cousin who drinks about 10 sugary Cokes before noon – Celebitchy

Things That Made David Foster Go Hmmmm: Yolanda Foster’s Lyme disease struggles – Reality Tea 

So, here’s Nicki Minaj’s camel toe – Drunken Stepfather

So, here’s Carrie Fisher’s chichis (with a special guest appearance by Gary Fisher) – The Superficial 

Okay, which one of you wrote that Sean Penn tweet?! – Towleroad

The Slow One’s ass looks like it’s trying to slowly escape from her body all sneaky-like – The Nip Slip 

The top of Daisy Ridley’s dress looks like it’s made out of a bunch of cut-up holiday placemats – Popoholic

Like most of the world, Roc Nation forgot about Rita Ora and now she’s suing them to get out of her contract – Just Jared

Now I know what to wear if my mom drags me to mass on Christmas Eve! – OMG Blog

If you’re a Star Wars nerd and a weather nerd, this is your dream girl – The Berry 

Margaret Cho has joined Fashion Police as a permanent co-host – HuffPo

The Katsopolis twins from Full House look like this now – Popsugar

Another day, another photo shoot where Miley Cyrus is wearing pasties made from craft supplies bought at Michael’s – Hollywood Tuna  

Chelsea Handler used her puppies to cover her puppies and they’re so not here for that – SOW

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are really getting the itch to fuck up another young life – Starcasm

Pic: AP

And to answer the question in your head: Yes, that’s her mug shot.

The BBC says that yesterday, model and Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex, Bar Refaeli, spent 12 hours being questioned by officials from the Israel Tax Authority in Tel Aviv. They suspect that she cheated on her taxes. That questioning led to Bar and her mother Tzipi getting detained today. They were later released on $193,000 bail. Their passports were also snatched away and they can’t leave the country without permission for six months.

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