International Treasure Richard Simmons Has Retired From Public Life

December 17, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s daytime in Los Angeles right now, but the sun has already set, the birds have stopped chirping and dark clouds have covered the sky. (Just pretend and go with me.) The sun will probably never come out again, because it has no reason to. The only reason it comes out is to get a glimpse of the dandelion of eternal joy that is Richard Simmons and now that his rep has said that he’s living a happy life away from the spotlight, what’s the point?! What’s the point of anything?!

Last year, humanity became 100% duller when we learned that Richard Simmons hadn’t been seen at his studio in months and was holed up in his house with the sads, because he needed knee surgery and didn’t want to get it. Rhinestones lost their sparkle and control top hose lost their sheen. But then TMZ said that the LAPD visited Richard’s house after one of his friends e-mailed the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit and claimed that a truly dark-sided demon was abusing him. The cops spent an hour with Richard and said that he was relaxed and articulate. The planet moved about 15 feet from all of us breathing out giant sighs of relief.

Richard still hasn’t been seen at his studio and he hasn’t covered our eyeballs with thick layers of glitter by posing for paparazzi pics, so TMZ decided to check up on him. They spoke to his rep who said that Richard is working behind-the-scenes with several charities and is perfectly happy living a private life:

Richard’s rep tells TMZ, the exercise guru is “happily living life outside the public eye.” Richard’s people have never said why he abruptly disappeared … mostly retreating to the confines of his home.

It’s interesting … although Richard hasn’t shown up at his exercise studio for well over a year, when you call the number it sounds like Richard may always return the next day … but that he just isn’t there “today.”

Richard’s Facebook and Twitter accounts are still pretty active, so at least we have that.

Richard Simmons has been entertaining us for decades, so he deserves to spend his days relaxing in his loungin’ hose and casual coochie cutters. But I’m still going to kneel in front of my Saint Richard Simmons candle and pray that he’s been away because he’s working on a secret album, a world tour, a biopic, another memoir and a reality show. Adele, Taylor Swift, Beyonce and the others better milk their success while they still can, because when Richard Simmons makes his triumphant return, we’re all going to forget who the hell they are.

And here’s Richard throughout the years turning the world on with some sass and ass.


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