Giant Steps!

I don’t know why or how, but the other day the mound of wet weed shank I call a brain burped up the memory of the 1989 movie Loverboy starring the all-star cast of Patrick Dempsey, Carrie Fisher, Kirstie Alley, Barbara Carrera, E.G. Daily and Kate Jackson.

You shouldn’t have forgotten, but just in case you have, Loverboy was about a pizza boy turned male whore. Patrick Dempsey played a pizza delivery guy who ends up selling his dick to married women. It was the inspiration for Big Sausage Pizza porn, I’m sure. I had the soundtrack on cassette and one of the songs on the soundtrack was a musical wonder from a group called Giant Steps. Giant Steps was a group from England and they only had one album and only lasted a couple of years. Their song on the Loverboy soundtrack was a piece of perfection called ” Another Lover.” The song is the epitome of the late 80s and the video was a minimalist work of art where the members of Giant Steps exuded true raw emotion in front of a blank canvas.

Those vests… Those blazers… And they’re right, the world don’t need another lover as long as it’s got them wearing hot vests and blazers from Chess King.

Jake Gyllenhaal (35)
Jenelle Evans (24)
Paulina Gretzky (27)
Lady Sovereign (30)
Marla Sokoloff (35)
Rosa Blasi (43)
Alyssa Milano (43)
Amy Locane (44)
Tyson Beckford (45)
Kristy Swanson (46)
Criss Angel (48)
Jennifer Beals (52)
Til Schweiger (52)
Jill Talley (53)
Mike Lookinland (55)
Limahl (57)
Tim Reid (71)
Maurice White (74)

It’s that time of year again when beauty queens from around the world do themselves up like they’re going to walk in a knock-off version of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show held in the parking lot of a mini-mall somewhere. It feels like the Miss Universe pageant just happened, but it’s happening again this weekend. Donald Trump, the hard pus squirting out of America’s engorged pimple, no longer owns the Miss Universe pageant, which kinds of sucks, because I was hoping that this year’s show would end with the queens turning on him and tearing that bitch apart onstage. Oh, well.

All of the Miss Universe preliminary shit already happened this past week including the greatest part of the pageant: the national costume showdown! The national costume competition is what we’d get if RuPaul’s Drag Race and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show both rolled themselves in a whole lot of feathers before crashing into each other. It’s a gorgeous mess.

Miss Austria made the pores on my face ooze out glitter when she came out dressed like her country’s national flower Conchita Wurst. It doesn’t even matter to me that her gay flag ribbon is a sad thing and looks like it was made by a bored 4-year-old with arthritis. She nailed it and better end up in the top 10 for this reason alone. My other favorite is Miss Spain…

Garbled up foolery at its finest. It took me a minute to figure out what she was dressed up as. At first I wondered why Miss Spain was done up like a half-Moses and half-Judy Jetson hybrid with a crucifix made of tattered weaves on her head. But then I figured out that half of her is Don Quixote and that cross of gutter weaves on top of her head is supposed to be a windmill. MESS! Miss Spain didn’t dream the impossible dream, she made the impossible dream happen. This is a sparkly disaster for my eyes.

Most of the national costumes are in the gallery. Miss Australia dressed up as a slutty Dame Edna and Miss Curacao did herself up as one of those Avatar creatures starring in a Cirque du Soleil production about the life and times of Toucan Sam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Facebook

We can’t really say that it’s the Christmas season until we see pictures of a delicate Poinsettia petal stroking Frosty the Snowman’s carrot nose like it’s a hard dick. This is the real meaning of Christmas.

Bai Ling was at The Grove in L.A. yesterday buying presents for orphans when the paparazzi magically appeared. Bai Ling is usually a shy butterfly who flutters away from attention, but since it is the seasons of giving, she was gracious enough to pose for the paparazzi and give the world these festive pictures of her getting down with Frosty. Since it’s the end of the year, Bai Ling is also trying to get in as many charitable donations as possible and she knows she can write this off since this is an act of charity for those of us who are needy for some elegance in our lives.

The Grove really needs to get it together, though. How can they have a giant statue of Frosty with a thick carrot dick nose and not put a step stool next to it? How are blossoms like Bai Ling supposed to suck off Frosty’s carrot nose peen or bend over it in front of it for the paps? Thankfully, Bai Ling can easily work with what she’s given. And I don’t have picture proof, but I’m 100% sure that Frosty shot out a giant icy carrot snot load from his nose after Bai Ling stroked it off a few times.

Pics: Splash

It’s almost Christmas, so this is the kind of “news” I have to work with, okay? But seriously, last Friday I posted about the crumbling of the fame whore kingdom called Kitson, so let’s make it another Flashback Friday by going back to 2006 to check in with Ceiling Eyes!

Audrina Patridge, the wilted lettuce in the basic bitch salad that was The Hills, recently got engaged to her on-and-off boyfriend of 7 years Corey Bohan (which sounds like what a drunken and slurring White Oprah calls her son Cody Lohan). Today, 30-year-old Audrina announced that she and 33-year-old Corey are going to be parents. Audrina doesn’t make millions upon millions of dollars from selling ugly sequined crap at Kohl’s like Lauren Conrad and she doesn’t have a multi-million dollar music empire like Heidi Montag, so she has to hustle hard for that money. Ceiling Eyes announced her happy baby news in an Instagram ad sponsored by #ClearblueConfirmed! When your AMEX bill is past due, you do what you gotta do to make a payment even if that includes showing off your sponsored piss stick. And it is never too early to pimp out your baby.

I finally figured out what to get Corey for Christmas! #babyontheway #ClearblueConfirmed #ad (blog post with all the details will be up today, couldn’t wait to share the news with you all:)! Xoxo

Get that quick check, Ceiling Eyes! She also better get Diclegis to sponsor a picture of her morning sickness barfs and get Cortizone to sponsor a picture of her itchy nipples.

On another note, the Ceiling Eyes baby is going to be the luckiest child in the world and mostly because it’s grandmother is a bright and articulate shining star who oozes elegance, charisma, cigarette ash and six different kinds of booze. Whenever anyone posts anything about Audrina, they have to post this legendary video of the real star of her family: her mom! Martin Luther King Jr. and Winston Churchill probably wish that Mama Ceiling Eyes was their speechwriter, because she has a way with words.

If Ceiling Eyes wants to do what’s right, she’d name her baby Jibby Kibble Patridge Bohan.

Pics: Wenn.com

Two weeks ago, Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver was found dead on a tour bus in Minnesota. Scott Weiland’s wife Jamie Weiland said at the time that he was sober for a while, but cops found coke in his bedroom on the bus. The bassist for Scott’s band, The Wildabouts, was also arrested for possessing coke. He was released the next day.  The Associated Press says that the Hennepin County Medical Examiner’s Office announced today that Scott Weiland’s death was accidental and he died of a mixture of the bad shit and booze. Scott also had cardiovascular disease and asthma.

TMZ says that specifically, 48-year-old Scott filled his body with coke, alcohol and Ecstasy before he died and those three things carried him to the afterworld where he started a 90s quartet singing group with Kurt Cobain, Shannon Hoon and Layne Staley. They call themselves The Chained Melon Pilots of Nirvana.

And like I do every time I read news about Scott Weiland, I’m off to listen to my 90s grunge playlist while wishing that I still had the bootleg MAROON Docs my mom bought me for Christmas at the swap meet.