It should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton’s vagina has a lost and found. – johnny boy

Upvote winner:

Be sure to visit the cave behind Viagra Falls. – OurMissC

Pic: Reddit

Abi-Maria Gomes, the true villainess queen of Survivor Cambodia: Second Chance!

The 569th season finale of Survivor happened last night and sadly it didn’t end with the final 6 quitting the game and handing the $1 million prize to the queen of the season Abi-Maria after realizing that their game was shit and weak compared to hers. Abi-Maria was voted out a few episodes ago, but I’ve been waiting to make her today’s HSOTD, because I was hoping that she’d drag those hos and verbally shank them left and right during the final tribal council in the last episode. Abi-Maria brought notes to the final tribal council, so I poured an extra large glass of the sweet nectar and sat back thinking that she’d use those notes to read the final 3. But that didn’t happen. Abi-Maria was kind of nice… Did the producers sedate her? Or did she think that if she acted nice during tribal council everyone would die of shock and she’d automatically win the crown since she’d technically be the last one standing?

The Great Value version of Carmen Electra came from Survivor Philippines (aka Blair Warner’s season) and she was a Brazilian thorn in everyone’s asshole during that season. When she came into Survivor Cambodia, she said she was going to play it differently this season, but thank god that didn’t happen. Abi-Maria quickly annoyed the other contestants and most found her as pleasant as masturbating with a jellyfish. Abi-Maria called Stephen “poopy pants” when he got sick and she giggled when Joe passed out during a challenge. Oh, I love her.

Abi-Maria ruled the game for a minute, but like any mastermind ruler, her subjects got jealous and voted her off. Before last night’s finale, People asked Abi-Maria if she’ll ever grace TV screens with her presence again and she said this:

Well, three years from now I hope to be married with babies! [Laughs] I don’t know. I need some time to think about that one. Maybe if they call me and sweet talk me, maybe!

Please, Abi lives to get on the nerves of Survivor contestants. She probably begged to get back on again. I hope it worked, because when the 570th season of Survivor premieres next February, I need to see her twirling on the beach like, “Surprise, bitch.”

Pic: CBS

Sarah Paulson (41)
Nat Wolff (21)
Kiersey Clemons (22)
Emma Bell (29)
Mikky Ekko (31)
Shannon Woodward (31)
Maria Brink (38)
Milla Jovovich (40)
Duff Goldman (41)
Giovanni Ribisi (41)
Marissa Ribisi (41)
John Abraham (43)
Sean Patrick Thomas (45)
Laurie Holden (46)
Chuck Liddell (46)
Sara Dallin of Bananarama (54)
Gregg Araki (56)
Peter Farrelly (59)
Bill Pullman (62)
Eugene Levy (69)
Chris Matthews (70)
Ernie Hudson (70)
Pope Francis (79)
Armin Mueller-Stahl (85)

Pic: Tumblr

Posters for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice have been released and I’m wondering why Batman looks like what was born 9 months after a black Audi and an inflatable Sumo wrestler suit had bareback sex – Lainey Gossip 

Yolanda Foster reportedly dumped HER KING and yet he’s still paying for all her 10,000 Lyme disease treatments – Reality Tea 

Close your borders while you still can, Switzerland, because Wonky McValtrex wants to be inside of you all the time – Celebitchy

Here’s more of human Kewpie doll Miranda Kerr doing the “hiding my chichis and chocha” pose in Harper’s Bazaar Australia – Drunken Stepfather

Meanwhile in the world of barely legal furry fantasies… – The Superficial 

And here’s the first picture of the new Ghostbusters in their Ghostbusters uniforms – Jezebel

I don’t know what this says about me, but in the 8th grade I had a backpack a lot like Miley Cyrus’ – The Nip Slip

That newly out Olympic snow dude paid tribute to the Silver Fox with his new hairstyle – Towleroad

“Hey! I know that stripper!” said Christian Bale after seeing these pictures of Teresa Palmer – Popoholic

Zendaya posed with a bunch of topless mannequins on Complex – Hollywood Tuna 

In case you didn’t know, the new Star Wars movie is going to make a Mt. Everest-sized pile of nerd dollars – IDLYITW

The Rock is a daddy again – Popsugar

ROMANCE – The Berry

John Krasinski grew muscles on his body – HuffPo

A duo of fetuses may be baking in Kelly Clarkson’s womb – Just Jared

Surprise, surprise, Adam Sandler doesn’t care that you hate the cinematic shit shows that have made him a millionaire 300 times over – Pajiba

Kaley Cuoco quit her husband of 21 months Ryan Sweetsomethingoranother three months ago and in between fighting over money and other stuff, she found time to get herself a brand new piece. UsWeekly says that 30-year-old Kaley is humping on 46-year-old British actor Paul Blackthorne from Arrow and Lipstick Jungle (Never 4get Lipstick Jungle). Kaley recently posted that picture on Instagram of her wearing a t-shirt from Paul Blackthorne’s anti-poaching charity and she probably did it because he’s currently poaching her pussy.

The “insider” said these riveting words about Kaley and this Blackthorne dude:

“It’s new, but she’s really excited about it,” says an insider.

Adds the source, “Kaley’s doing great postdivorce.”

I’m sure a bunch of hating whores are rolling their eyes while saying, “That trick has always gotta be on a man.” Um, they obviously didn’t read what the insider said. The insider said that it’s NEW. It’s been three long months since Kaley broke up with her husband. You’d think that by now, she would’ve fast-tracked her divorce, married a new piece and already picked out their side-by-side grave sites for when they die after spending a lifetime together. Although, “new” to Kaley might mean that she’s engaged and has already tattooed the date that he touched her genitals onto her crotch.

But really, I won’t believe that these two are a thing until I see staged pictures of them holding hands in a grocery store parking lot.

And here’s pictures of Kaley’s new piece at the TCAs a few months ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Here’s Miley Cyrus in Paper Magazine looking like the LSD-addicted baby of Gollum and Strawberry Shortcake’s cracked out cousin who got kicked out of Strawberryland for huffing the freon out of everybody’s air conditioning unit. Even though Miley looks and acts like she drinks a shroom and peyote shake for breakfast every morning, she claims that psychedelics have never been inside of her. She dribbled out these words to Paper:

“I was so sober, I painted myself pink to enjoy a slice in my fairy garden. I’ve never tried any psychedelics, but I’m not against it. LOL. The very small people you see in the bottom right frame are actually just shrunken reflections of my inner self.”

On one hand, the hillbilly chipmunk does seem like the kind of poseur mess who pretends like she’s done the lambada with a wolf during an acid trip but hasn’t ever done acid. On the other hand, bitch is lying. We all saw that old TMZ video of a P.U.T. Miley (pre-Uncle Terry Miley) smoking salvia:

But in her defense, doing all those psychedelics probably erased the memory of that TMZ video.

And here’s Miley looking like an acid-induced night terror during her Dead Petz show in Vancouver last night.

Pic: Paper