Fucking Costco. The last time I went there I had three things on my list: razor blades, Sonicare toothbrush heads, and soy milk. And did I walk with any of these items? No! Which is not to say I walked away empty handed, because, who doesn’t need a 7 pound bucket of Nutella and the hottest Costco fashions of the day? Today I’ve discovered why Costco is preventing me from moving my Sasquatch winter legs into the shaved legs of summer. Apparently they are too busy stocking secret extravagant items to worry about re-stocking the peasant’s staples. Costco has just reported a gain in their last sales quarter, largely due to the fact that a customer purchased a $400,000 ring (which may or may not be the $420k ring above) from the store. That’s right, Costco, known mostly as the place to buy bulk toilet paper, also carries jewels worth nearly half a million dollars.
It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lawrence was banging beige elevator music guitar hero Chris Martin before moving onto Darren Aronofsky (which I always saw as a bizarre setup, but the old timer seems to have no shortage of company of beautiful ladies, whether they deny it or not. That director dick must be good when he calls it to “Action“). Now America’s favorite farting/falling (farting while falling? I’ve heard that’s a thing) Sweetheart has taken the final step before locking her lady bits to one person forever by getting engaged to Cooke Maroney, an art dude from Gladstone Gallery, and she has a fat old rock on her lock down finger that proves it.
It was bad enough to feel solidly over the cusp of middle age when the teenage lads from One Direction broke up (or went on an indefinite hiatus, if you are a glass half full kind of Directioner). Then some of the boys started popping out babies and I felt down right Social Security recipient old. This morning I feel like the Cryptkeeper took a dump on my head with the news that Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne flirted. Yes, supermodel and professional phone thrower Naomi Campbell, age 48 and Liam Payne, 25 were flirting on Instagram so that 100% confirms that they are practically married already.
Seen above laughing at their own baby naming joke are Myspace underwear model Tom Hardy and his wife Charlotte Riley, who have rolled out the
red carpet spit-up rags in welcoming their newborn son, whom they have reportedly named after a character in Forrest Gump. I wish like hell that I could report that they named their son Bubba Gump Shrimp Company Hardy, but “sources” say that Tom and Charlotte went boring on us and have instead named their child Forrest Hardy after Forrest Gump himself.
Many people on the cold winter streets are saying that 2018 was a who-er of a year and they can’t wait to shovel it under 6 feet of cold, hard dirt. Macaulay Culkin must be in agreement, because he’s decided to legally change his name for 2019, and he’s letting his fans do the choosing. If you are repeating the mantra, “Please say it’s going to be Kevin McAllister, Please say it’s going to be Kevin McAllister,” you are not (home) alone. But sadly, Kevin McAllister didn’t even make the Top 5.
When Kanye West had a meltdown and needed to spend time in the mental ward, the remaining dates on the first leg of his Saint Pablo Tour were thrown into the fire pit along with the bones of the woodland creatures his wife’s family sacrifices to their overlord Lucifer. The second leg of the tour was “postponed,” but now TMZ is reporting it’s not happening either. The Saint Pablo Tour now has no legs. I wasn’t planning on referencing the most depressing part in Kids, but yet here we are.
The peroxide-headed distraction that Jabba the Trump recently dangled in front of the media was apparently planning to re-start his tour in 2017. No dates for the second leg of the Saint Pablo Tour were announced, but TMZ says that it was supposed to mainly play Europe. The tour was planning to make stops in Germany, France and the UK. But Kanye’s team reportedly told Live Nation that the chances of the tour starting up again are as slim as the chances of Kylie Jenner’s inflated cartoon titties being real. The second leg isn’t happening.
TMZ also points out that Kanye took out an insurance policy on the tour, which means he’ll probably get a check for lost profits and expenses since it was canceled for medical reasons.
The good news for artsy Sisqó is that now that he doesn’t have to spend time preparing for the next leg on the Rapping And Ranting Tour, he can spend more time inside of Pimp Mama Kris’ Kristmas lair of vulgar trashiness. Architectural Digest once again pledged their allegiance to the dark-side by tweeting a soul-ruining episode of Kribs, which answers the question, “What does Christmas in HELL look like?”
— Architectural Digest (@ArchDigest) December 19, 2016