Even Though He Tries, Nick Cannon Can’t Let Go

June 6, 2016 / Posted by:

In that picture above, it looks like happiness is covering Nick Cannon’s face (and who wouldn’t feel happiness while working a camouflage turban that is very “Norma Desmond as Private Benjamin”), but he’s apparently filled to the top with sadness over no longer inhaling the sweet scent of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberry farts as he sleeps next to his wife Mimi. (Side note: I don’t know if Nick has converted to Sikhism or if he’s just really trying to make the “non-religious man turban” look happen.)

It has been almost two years since Nick and Mimi broke up, and a year and a half since he filed for divorce. They had a prenup, so they apparently figured out a property settlement and custody arrangement right away. All Nick has to do is sign the divorce papers and he’ll officially become Mimi’s second ex-husband, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.

As anyone who has lost 3% of their vision in both eyes thanks to being blinded by the 16-ton diamond boulder on Mimi’s finger knows, she is going to get married to Aussie billionaire Shrek and she can’t wait to say the words, “I take you Billionaire Shrek to be my lawfully wedded, always-full ATM.” Nick even congratulated Mimi on getting engaged, but TMZ is hearing that he still loves her and doesn’t want her to marry James Packer. Mimi is pissed, because she wants to move on.

Something is going on with Nick Cannon. First, Nick Cannon, who makes MC Skat Kat look like Tupac, reached the tip of delusion by challenging his sometime-arch rival Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle, and now he’s not cutting the chains tied to The Butterfly One so she can flutter off and be with her beloved soulmate: a never-ending mountain range of money. Someone should really tell Nick that if he truly loves someone, he should set them free and if it was meant to be, they’ll flutter back. Although, nothing could pry Mimi off of her billionaire husband’s yacht, because I doubt she wants to go back to a life of paying all her own bills.

And here’s Nick at The Nice Guy a few nights ago and Mimi leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last week.

Pics: Splash

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