As most dog owners know, dog ownership can be a Lazy Susan full of mixed emotions; one of the worst of those being when your canine companion randomly decides one day that you aren’t entertaining enough anymore and they’re going to go on an adventure to find some new friends to do hood rat shit with. Who are the friends? Where are they located? Fuck if dogs know, they’ll figure it out when they get there. But when they’re done, they’ll come back; they promise. Annnnnd shit, they forgot to remember where exactly “back” is and now they’re miles away with no heckin’ new friends, and damnit, they miss their mawm. Luckily, one woman had the pleasure of having her dog found and returned by none other than two-time Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank.
The coronavirus pandemic has fucked over plenty of people, and we recently learned that the rich and/or famous are not immune to the far-reaching effects. No, I’m absolutely not talking about how hard it is to be isolated in a mansion. It was revealed last month that SAG-AFTRA, the labor union representing Hollywood actors and media professionals, decided to overhaul its SAG-AFTRA Health Plan in the middle of a pandemic, which would involve cutting health care coverage to certain members that didn’t meet certain earning requirements. An asshole move, considering it’s hard to meet earning requirements when your industry has shut down your ability to earn. So naturally, lots of actors were pissed, like Rosanna Arquette, who lost her coverage. And now here comes Hilary Swank to let us all know the SAG-AFTRA Health Plan was a mess long before COVID-19 hit.
It looks like we have yet another relationship to throw onto the burning pile of famous people relationships. Except this time, it concerns a famous person that I forgot was engaged. That’s what happens when you don’t spend your vacation choreographing cheesy photo shoots for Instagram?
According to UsWeekly, Hilary Swank, star of The Next Karate Kid, has called it quits with her tennis coach fiancé, Ruben Torres. Hilary and Ruben got engaged a little over two months ago after dating for about a year. Something must have turned shitty during the wedding planning, because a rep for Hilary tells UsWeekly that a wedding isn’t going to happen. Hilary subtly confirmed she was done with Ruben by deleting any traces of him from her Instagram page, including a picture from March that was taken shortly after he proposed. She also showed up to the French Open this weekend without her engagement ring on.
This would have been Hilary’s second marriage. Hilary was married to Chad Lowe from 1997 to 2007.
Hilary’s rep didn’t give a reason for why they were calling off their engagement. But I really wish they did, because now my mind is running through all the possible dramatic situations that could kill an engagement after barely two months. Did Hilary catch Reuben “playing doubles” with someone else? Did she “return” the ring? Did Hilary “spin” another dude’s “balls“? I know that last one makes zero sense, but I’m totally in the dark here and I’m running out of tennis puns. Help me out, Hillary’s rep!
Here’s a single and ready to mingle Hilary at the French Open this weekend. Leonardo DiCaprio was also there. I’d make a joke about Hilary setting off his Available Woman Nearby radar, but as if Leo would ever have sex with someone who has more Oscars than him (“Two? You have two?? I don’t feel well, I’m going home.”)
“You Know, The Guy I Usually Bring To These Things Always Leaves The Red Carpet Smelling Like Funyuns”
Because she’s always looking for any opportunity to clock a few extra hours of charity work, Dame St. Angie made an appearance at the Hollywood Film Awards last night. And since she’s got that movie she directed to pimp out, she also brought along the star of Unbroken (and owner of the pube-covered neck in Cara Delevingne’s stomach-churning hickey pic) Jack O’Connell.
Jack received the New Hollywood Award for his work in Unbroken and spent most of his acceptance speech slobbering over how wonderful St. Angie is. Meanwhile, Dame St. Angie’s husband Brad Pitt was at home slobbering on himself after he ripped an extra-long bong hit and passed out in his beanbag chair in the garage. He finally came too when the puddle of funyun drool collecting on his shoulder began to attract rats, or as he calls them, “bitey mice”.
I’m not sure why Dame St. Angie left Brapi at home, but it probably had something to do with her dress. Yes, St. Angie has worn 1,734,256 black dresses, but has she even worn a felt dress? Felt picks up everything – it’s like a hoarder in fabric form. So I can only imagine the hassle it would have been to try to keep that felt dress clean. All she’d have to do is lightly brush against Hobo Brad, and that thing would have been covered in Taco Bell crumbs and errant beard hairs and weed stems.
Here’s more of Dame St. Angie working some sexy couch fabric realness, as well as all the other famous hos at the Hollywood Film Awards last night:
As Elton John, Billy Clinton, a knocked up Fergie Ferg, a long-lost Kardashian named Conchita Wurst, Glamberace, Karolina Kurkova, Kelly Osbourne, Melanie Griffith, Hilary Swank, Amanda Lepore, Carmen Electra and Azealia Banks were on their knees worshiping at her perfect feet, Barbara Eden performed as Jeannie at the Life Ball in Vienna. By “performed,” I mean stood on stage, looked at the audience, did a few of her Jeannie poses and stood on the stage some more. But you know, Barbara Eden could do something heinous like read Chris Brown’s tweets out loud and I’d still give her a standing ovation.
Hillary, better come and get Bill. You know Bill was looking at Barbara Eden in her Jeannie costume and was thinking to himself, “I’d let you rub my lamp. You might not get a genie who’ll grant you three wishes, but you’ll get something else you might like.” Stop it, Bill!
And Barbara Eden is 78! These young hos who are a third of her age could never bring the glamour like she can.
As we all sing “The Bluest Eyes in Texas” next to Becky #1 from Roseanne in a dive bar in Nebraska, the freshly shorn golden locks of intertwined dreams from Justin Bieber have been gently placed in a white leather nap sack strapped to a Pegasus and sent up to heaven where the angels will make it into a weave for Jesus (yeah, hair plugs ain’t shit for him either). Yes, TMZ brings us the news that Justin Bieber took a pair of scissors to his hair and cut the Hamill out of his head today. Pieces of Justin’s follicles will be auctioned off for charity. I know what you’ll be doing tonight. Scalping your Ken dolls and selling it on eBay as 100% genuine Bieber hair. Make sure you dip it in holy water (vodka with a splash of bunny saliva will do) before you send it.
And thousands of young lesbians with golden bowl cuts have just let out a breath of relief.