Open Post: Hosted By Nurses In Quebec Complaining About Sexy Nurse Costumes
There are few global holiday traditions as enduring, hallowed, and titillating as the hot and horny parade of Sexy Nurses who flood our homes, streets, bars, and Instagram feeds each and every Halloween as they have done since time immemorial. Yes, even before the Pagans or Christians or whoever started reaming turnips with candles and cursing strangers for slipping raisins in with the good stuff, there was probably some ho in a leopard skin lab coat parading around camp with her titties out talking about “take two of these and call me in the morning.” Sexy nurses at Halloween are the flammable polyester fabric that holds us together as a species. However, a group of (presumably) fugly ass nurses in Quebec would put a stop to this practice if somebody would just take them seriously for just a minute and think about the harm blah blah blah. Get off the cross, Maries! And no, it’s not because we need the wood. We make the wood, m’kay? What is this, are we living in the sexy Handmaid’s Tale?
Matthew Perry Says He Dumped Julia Roberts Because He Didn’t Think He’d Ever Be Enough
Matthew Perry is promoting his new memoir, Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing, and, so far, he’s shared some pretty grim details about his addiction. Last week he revealed that his opioid addiction led to a ruptured colon that almost killed him. Yesterday we learned he’d spent almost $9 million getting sober. Today, in an excerpt published by The Times of London, Matthew tells the tale of his failed romance with one-time Friends guest star the Holiday Armadillo Julia Roberts. Awesome, free PR for Julia’s new movie!
“The Crown” Hater Dame Judi Dench Was Reportedly In Talks To Play The Queen Mother In Season Five
Advantage: Dench. But at what cost? Yahoo! News reports that thanks to Dame Judi Dench’s op-ed that ran in The Sunday Times admonishing Netflix for playing fast and loose with the facts on its hit show The Crown, the network has capitulated and added a disclaimer under the season five trailer indicating that anything you might hear or see about, for example, King Charles III’s menstrual product fantasies in relation to Judi’s friend Queen Consort Camilla, is merely a “fictional dramatization,” of events that may or may not have occurred and been committed to tape for all the world to hear. Now, the only “crude sensationalism,” as Dame Judi so haughtily put it, Netflix can be accused of is leaking the fact that Dame Judi herself had been in talks to play The Queen Mother this season, but reportedly turned it down, in part, because they weren’t going to pay her as much as Imelda Staunton CBE, who plays THE QUEEN.
Serena Willams Says She’s “Not Retired”
If you look in the dictionary, the word “retired” is defined as “having left one’s job and ceased to work.” Clearly, that definition does not compute with forever high school jock Tom Brady, as his un-retired season costs him much more than he bargained for. Now we might be adding Serena Williams to that list, who teased us with her own retirement in September, but may be reconsidering her word jumble of gibberish after making the comment that she is “not retired” from tennis.
Kanye West Has Been Dropped By Adidas, Loses Billionaire Status
As the decline of Kanye West‘s sanity and career becomes the new Titanic, he doesn’t seem to care about the severity of his actions. His constant trolling of the Black experience is reason enough to not just cancel him, but to pull the plug on his entire network (though Miranda Priestly believes otherwise). And speaking of networks, everything he has been working towards is crumbling before his wide, crazy eyes in real-time. Now he can add several more castaways from his sinking ship after his new lawyer Camille Vasquez, who worked with Johnny Depp during that trial from Hell, his agents at CAA, AND Adidas have dropped him over his antisemitic comments. And since he’s lost his longtime deal with Adidas, he also lost his billionaire status from Forbes. So now Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye is just Christian Dumbass Millionaire Kanye.
American Express Is Suing Armie Hammer For An Unpaid Credit Card Balance
If anyone had been researching “timeshare salesperson” as a lucrative career, it might be time to check that option off of the list–because even though Armie Hammer was working as one in the Cayman Islands for a bit earlier this year after his acting career shit an apartment building full of beds due to his sexual abuse and cannibalism fetish allegations–hawking Cayman condos wasn’t paying his bills (though it was probably more profitable than Death on the Nile at the box office). Now, financial matters are looking even more bleak for Armie, because American Express says that he’s been dodging a $67,000 credit card balance, and they’re taking him to court over it.