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Kate Beckinsale And Pete Davidson Are Really Done
It’s a great week for haters of zombies. Netflix canceled Santa Clarita Diet after three seasons and accused zombie Pete Davidson has lost out on the true love of his life.
Page Six is reporting that after a few months, the undying love of “Peckinsale” is over! Does this mean the shelf life of Pete’s wonder penis is decreasing? He better sprinkle some more MSG down his pants before he locks the next random hottie of his dreams in his intense sights. But good news for us, this might be the last post about these two (no promises).
And The World Weeps: Idris Elba Is Now A Married Man
It is with great sadness that I regretfully report that yesterday, Idris Elba, 46, married his fiancee Sabrina Dhowre, 29, in Marrakesh. To add insult to injury, British Vogue was there to cover the entire wedding in order to fucking rub it into all of our faces today. The only positive thing I have to say about this is that at least Idris and Sabrina ripped the Band-Aid off and wasted no time in getting married after breaking all of our hearts in February when they got engaged. Actually, I don’t think that helps. I’m going to need my full body Idris pillow and super-cut of the best of Stringer Bell from The Wire STAT while weeping on the couch with cheesecake. Why, Idris, why?!
Chris Brown And Nicki Minaj Are Touring Together This Summer And Fall
Go ahead and put September 13 in your calendar now as the date you absolutely 100% need to stay home and wash your hair, your American Girl Doll’s hair, your cat’s hair, your neighbor’s hair, all the hair, because September 13 is the first confirmed date of the just announced Chris Brown and Nicki Minaj joint Summer/Fall tour. Just when you didn’t think the world could get a little more Ew, No or WTF?, a planned tour between Chris Brown and Nicki Minaj goes and happens.
Beyonce Raked in $60 Million For Her Netflix Deal, And Got $8 Million For Her Coachella Set
The Beyhive got their stingers in a twist when their Google alerts went all dingy this week with the vicious claim that Ariana Grande got paid twice as much as their leader Beyonce to headline Coachella. I mean, it makes sense, since Ariana had the best four members of NSYNC in her Coachella show, and Beyonce didn’t even TRY to get O-Town for hers. But because this is not a belated April Fool’s Day prank, and anyone on their meds would know that we are living in real life world and not The Upside Down, of course there is no way in Hell, on God’s Green Earth, or while Beyonce is still living and breathing (and probably into the Afterlife, who are we kidding) that type of wage gap disparity would actually happen to the Queen of the Honey Bucket Pot.
R. Kelly’s Bank Account Has Reportedly Hit Negative
This is not a photo of R. Kelly illustrating on two fingers the number of dollars he has left to his name, because he can only dream of holding that much wealth in his back pocket. R. Kelly’s financial situation is as broke as his morals and he’s reportedly got a balance of negative $13 in his bank account. Yep, lucky negative thirteen. It’s a beautiful poetic justice when vengeance is served fast and right where it hurts the most. In this case not the balls but the bank account. I think we’d all have settled for balls, but bank account will do if a swifty to the nuts isn’t possible.
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Officially Single (But Still Not Totally Divorced)
In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.