Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Officially Single (But Still Not Totally Divorced)

April 13, 2019 / Posted by:

In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.

Through the opposite of Angelina and Brad’s “unconscious coupling” (typo, but it fits for the majority of relationships) journey, which I think it’s fair to refer to as “vengeful rage filled disassociation“, I learned that there are more steps to dissolving a marriage than just getting separated followed by divorcing. The Blast tells us that Angelina and Brad have stepped into the “bifurcated judgement” zone.

According to court records obtained by The Blast, the artists formerly known as Brangelina filed a judgment Friday in their divorce that restored their single status.

As we reported, Pitt and Jolie decided to negotiate for a bifurcated judgment, which basically ends the marriage, but allows them to keep working on a final settlement agreement for assets and custody.

Sources close to the stars tell us they felt it was important to “get on with their lives” and needed to emotionally break away from the other.

We’re told the rush to single status wasn’t over any new relationships, but both Pitt and Jolie felt strongly about the move.

Now they must continue to negotiate the end of the divorce, which will likely take several months of dividing up millions of dollars in assets and hammering out a permanent custody order for their six children.

Cue the Neverending Story soundtrack for the rest of your life, because this shit is far from over. What good is the emotional detachment that a bifurcated judgement gives you, if we all know that Angelina and Brad’s true hearts are set on that M-O-N-E-Y, with millionairess Angie even crying poor over this split?

I personally think that “Bra” and “Ngelina” should settle their divorce once and for all in an official Cash-n-ator money blowing machine like a couple of 1970s game show contestants. The high pressure winds can blow their six kids, house deeds, security box and car keys, millions of $100 bills and Botox filled needles around them while they claw and stuff everything they can into their pockets. Brad has a natural advantage with his baggy hobo style, but maybe Angelina will forgo the skin tight leather dress for for an oversized drug rug with a huge front pouch. She ought to be able to fit a kid or two in there, right?


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