In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.
Mary Kay Letourneau, one of America’s most notorious delusional crackpots, and her husband Vili Fualaau, have reconciled and are back together after he filed for legal separation last year. When the couple first split, People reported that the reason was garden variety marital problems. You know, like he never empties the dishwasher, she feels unfulfilled now that the kids are grown, he doesn’t look at her the same way anymore, she stole his childhood by entering into a sexual relationship with him when he was her 12-year-old elementary school student. Just normal stuff like that. However, Radar interviewed Vili at the time and he said it was because he wanted to start a pot business and was afraid his wife being a felon and registered sex offender might be an issue. Now it seems both scenarios are moot, because they’re back together.