No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
The feud between exes, Vivica A. Catface and 5 Cents, tongue-rolled straight into Ass Lickin’ Town last year after she said in so many words that she believes his tip may get moist for man booty. It all started when Fifty farted on Instagram about how Empire’s ratings dip was because of all the “gay stuff” and Vivica said on Watch What Happen Lives that it was all just a case of the pot calling the kettle a man booty lover. At the time, Fifty responded to Vivica by saying that she only thinks he’s gay because he “let her” glaze his wrinkled donut with her tongue. That takes us to last night.
Along with Leah Remini, 50 Cent was a guest on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen just had to once again give us the image of Vivica making out with Fifty’s butt by bringing it up.
I did not need to know the mating rituals of Ewoks, but Snooki told us anyway. Snooki was on Wendy Williams (via Page Six) promoting something or another and during the “Hot Seat” section of the show, Wendy asked her where is the craziest place she’s ever wet humped. Snooki said a car. A CAR. This is Snooki. I’m sure she fucked the duck phone while on a ferris wheel at the Jersey Shore, but Snooki went with “car.” Snooki says that she and her husband Jionni LaValle were driving back from a date when they couldn’t ignore the throbbing in their mammaloid biped loins and had to get it on while he was driving on the highway. This is the beautiful tale of how their 12-month-old daughter came to be:
“Me and Jionni went out on a date in Hoboken [New Jersey] and we were driving back and we started hooking up while he was driving. I just climbed on top of him while he’s driving on the highway.
My period didn’t come and I got pregnant.”
They’re both slightly bigger than Fisher-Price Little People®, so I guess getting their road fuck-on wouldn’t be that hard. But I’m going to give Jionni all the credit here. Jionni managed not to crash while sitting on a booster seat and working those extension pedals as Snooki squirted pickle crotch juices all over his dick and let out a high-pitched sex screech into his ears. That takes real talent.
And since we’re on the subject of riding your man’s stick shift while on the highway, let’s relive this classic:
It’s a slow Sunday and I am way too hungover to shit up another Rachel Dolezal post, so here’s the overfilled Diva Cup that is Brody Jenner mouth queefing up about threesomes with his girlfriend and how the most traumatic thing he’s ever experienced is going down on a girl whose coochie situation smelled like Khlozilla’s breath after she catches salmon in a lake.
Since E!’s pact with the devil states that they must give a shit show to absolutely any whore associated with the Kartrashians, Brody is getting a sex talk show that premieres next month. To promote his new show, the douche bro Sue Johanson did an interview with GQ about fucking. Brody let everyone know that he and his current girlfriend Kaitlynn (AWKWARD ALERT) get into threesomes and that’s my brain’s cue to burp up the image of Kaitlynn filing her nails as Brody and his Dollar Tree Wilmer Valderrama friend go at it.
“We have the best sex together, but we also switch it up and do fun things as well. We’re not opposed to having somebody else join in on our sexcapades. It’s funny, because a lot of people are always nervous to bring up that subject: ‘Hey, what about having a threesome?’ I truly believe that a lot more people are a lot more receptive than you think. And when the conversation was brought up, Kaitlynn said, ‘I actually don’t mind that at all.’ So I was extremely excited about that.”
I think what Kaitlynn meant is, “I actually don’t mind that at all, because I’ll have someone to laugh at your douchetastic tattoo with.”
And as for Brody’s most “traumatic” sexual experience:
“The first time I ever went down on a girl, I was fairly young—like fourteen, fifteen. It smelled terrible, I’m not gonna lie. It was honestly the most traumatic experience for me. After that, basically I said that I’m never gonna do that ever again in my life. I was just like, ‘Oh my God, that’s what it’s like? Jesus. I’m never doing this again—ugh!’ Like, I was completely disgusted. And then later on in life, I tried it again and was like, ‘Oh, this is totally different than the first time.’ So I think maybe the first misconception was that it smelled like that on every girl. That’s definitely not the case.”
But what I want to know is, how did the chocha smell afterward? Because well, it’s been claimed that a coochie’s supposed to smell like fresh laundry and tropical rain after encountering a gigantic douchebag.
Here’s Brody and Kaitlynn with a K at the Entourage premiere a little while ago.
Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.
Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:
“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”
Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:
“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”
So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.
But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.
You can thank Nick Cannon for any time you spend thinking about Mariah Carey naked today. The America’s Got Talent host and Mimi’s child groom was asked by USWeekly how they keep things hot even though they have two-year-old twins.
“Lots of sex,” Cannon candidly told Us at the Variety Breakthrough Awards in Las Vegas on Thursday, Jan. 9.
You know Mariah goes through every high note from “Emotions” as she climaxes. And hey, if Nick can get it up in her Hello Kitty room, more power to him but I still don’t want to think about his o-face. It’s probably the same look I get when the chair I’m reclining in starts to tip over.
At least the two of them have a million rooms to fuck in that their kids don’t even know exist. The rest of us have to hope the door lock holds so we don’t look over mid-thrust and see a creepy figure standing next to the bed like a mini Jehovas Witness. Instead of wanting talking to you about accepting Jesus as your Lord and savior, they want to lay out their argument for getting a pet kangaroo at 11:15 at night. Is it too much to ask to get your freak on in peace and pass out so you can be woken up at 5:15 by the same kid who won’t let the fucking kangaroo thing go?