Open Post: Hosted By A Giant Toe From, You Guessed It, A TLC Show
Unless you’ve been living under a giant toe, you’re probably aware of TLC‘s new show My Feet Are Killing Me, which chronicles the lives of people with feet issues. I’m not sure if it’s Quentin Tarantino’s porn or nightmare. Well, hang on to your lunches because the latest episode is about a man born with a big toe SO BIG that he had to have the toe next to it removed. Television writers and producers in Hollywood can stop planning their Emmy campaigns right now because it smells like these feet are going to sweep every category in 2020!
Armie Hammer’s Wife Tries To Explain That Video Of Their Son Sucking On His Toes
Quentin Tarantino (bitch, you knew the first name in this post about FEET was going to be about Quentin Tarantino) is apparently making his next movie his last one, and no one really knows if that Star Trek movie he wrote is going to be it. But whatever that movie will be about, you know Armie Hammer, or should I say Armie Hammer’s hooves, will be front and center. Because over the weekend, stupid ass Armie dropped the QT audition tape of all QT audition tapes when he posted a video that his 2-year-old son Ford Hammer can use one day to successfully get emancipated from his parents on the basis of humiliating the ever-loving fuck out of him.
Armie has yet to say anything about the video of Ford eating those piggies, but his wife Elizabeth Chambers did. Armie respects his feminist wife too much to tie her up and get kinky with her during sex, but I guess he doesn’t respect her enough to tell her she doesn’t need to clean up his freak foot mess for him.
Don’t Ask Quentin Tarantino About How Little Screen Time Margot Robbie Gets In “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood”
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, which honestly should be a Cinderella reboot starring the Queen of Hollywood Angelyne, premiered at Cannes yesterday, where it got a 7-minute standing ovation. Although, it feels like at Cannes, audiences are either giving standing ovations or booing a bitch. The reviews for Quentin Tarantino’s take on the Manson murders are in, and the ones I’ve read are mostly positive, but do say that the gory and “provocative” ending will DIVIDE THE COUNTRY even more. Let me guess, Sharon Tate survives and brutally gets revenge. Kill Charlie!
No, that doesn’t happen, because it would mean that Margot Robbie, who plays Sharon Tate, gets plenty of screen time. But apparently, she doesn’t and barely has any lines compared to her co-stars Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. At a press conference for the movie, QT was asked why Margot Robbie doesn’t talk much in the movie. And QT didn’t talk much while giving his response.
Posh Beckham’s Hooves Have Mostly Retired From Wearing High Heels
Oh, those were the days…… When Posh Beckham could hold a baby that weighed more than her while walking on a pair of stilts. But those days are long gone and it’s the end of a high-heeled era.
To me, Posh Beckham was always one of those tricks who could not walk unless her heels were elevated at least 5 inches above the ground. Like if she put on flats, she’d just stand there all stunned like a cat with a sock around its waist, but way bitchier. But I guess 2016 is one of those years where the WTF becomes real-life (see: the election), because Posh has pretty much broken up with high heels. High heels used to be her main bitch and now they’re just her sometime fuck buddy. I guess after years upon years of wearing heels, her feet hurt like your ears whenever she sings live. In an interview with The Telegraph about fashion stuff, Posh says that she mostly wears flats and will wear high heels sometimes.
“I just can’t do heels any more. At least not when I’m working,” she says. “I travel a lot.” True. She’s just returned from half term with the children in LA after the New York show, and is off to Hong Kong for the opening of her second store there in three weeks. “Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.”
“Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.” Who is this Posh? Did Kunty Karl Lagerfeld get jealous of her growing fashion empire and cast a spirit into her? A spirit whose feets hate heels and says things like “Clothes have to be comfortable“? What’s next? John Travolta is going to burn all of his Shih Tzu wigs and let his bald head breathe in air at all times? Shauna Sand is going to melt all of her exquisite Lucite heels and only wear cork heels from now on because they’re better for the environment? Why can’t you just suffer through the pain, Posh? WHY? (And yes, that’s coming from a dude who is barefoot 99% of the time and wears flip flops the other 1% of the time.) Well, it’s a happy day for Posh’s war torn hooves, but it’s a sad day for high heels. Every high heel wearer’s feet are crying out a tear for Posh’s high heel retirement. Or maybe they’re crying out a tear because they hurt from wearing heels.
And now let’s take a high-heeled walk down memory lane….
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty, FameFlynet
Here’s Another Reason Why Kim Kardashian Needs To Have A Seat Once And For All
Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.
Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here’s Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig’s feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.
What’s the point of being pregnant if you’re not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch’s swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.
And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?
Foot + Rose Tattoo = Class Personified
You probably already shook your head at the dim-brained trick who let that infamous Russian tattoo artist give her the worst facial ever by allowing him to ink his name onto half of her face. Bitch let him do this just 24 hours after meeting him, because she thinks their love is eternal. The only thing that will be eternal is her debt after she pays thousands of dollars to try to get that mistake lasered off of her face. But anyway, that leads me to another tattooed work of beauty…
After John Travolta caused the Super Bowl blackout by blowing a fuse when he plugged his travel-sized vibrator into a socket in the men’s bathroom, Jenny McCarthy got a tattoo while waiting for the game to start up again and she tweeted (via UsWeekly) the end result to all her followers. This busted tattoo would’ve never happened if Jenny slapped down tattoo needles the same way she slaps down vaccination needles. That rose tattoo looks like something a 16-year-old circa 1989 would get in her friend’s garage after she got drunk on wine coolers. I bet Warrant was playing when Jenny got that tattoo. If the tattoo you want to get looks like the wallpaper border in somebody’s grandma’s powder room, think twice before getting it.
Even Bradley Cooper wouldn’t slap his peen on Jenny’s foot.
Here’s Jenny at a pre-Super Bowl party with Kendra Wilkenwhatever in New Orleans over the weekend.