From the Department of WHY?! comes the news that Hulu has made moves to turn the political fanfic, Rodham, into a series. Rodham is a fantasy novel from Curtis Sittenfeld and tells the life story of Hillary Rodham Clinton if she never married Bill Clinton. Hulu wants to put that story onto our TV screens. In the words of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign Twitter intern: Delete your Hulu account, Hulu.
In case you couldn’t tell from everyone’s mom, auntie, sister, brother, uncle, dad, grandpa, grandma, cousin, gynecologist, favorite barista, weed man, and everybody else not named Henry Winkler forming a prayer circle around a St. Hanks candle, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have both tested positive for coronavirus. This is the worst Tom Hanks-related news since we all found out he was half responsible for inflicting Chet Haze upon the world.
Quentin Tarantino (bitch, you knew the first name in this post about FEET was going to be about Quentin Tarantino) is apparently making his next movie his last one, and no one really knows if that Star Trek movie he wrote is going to be it. But whatever that movie will be about, you know Armie Hammer, or should I say Armie Hammer’s hooves, will be front and center. Because over the weekend, stupid ass Armie dropped the QT audition tape of all QT audition tapes when he posted a video that his 2-year-old son Ford Hammer can use one day to successfully get emancipated from his parents on the basis of humiliating the ever-loving fuck out of him.
Armie has yet to say anything about the video of Ford eating those piggies, but his wife Elizabeth Chambers did. Armie respects his feminist wife too much to tie her up and get kinky with her during sex, but I guess he doesn’t respect her enough to tell her she doesn’t need to clean up his freak foot mess for him.
It is a dark day, because we soon may be without a daily dose of Vanilla Ice stealing shit from nearby homes while shooting The Vanilla Ice Project, and the tip-moistening sight of Mr. Clean’s tattooed handy Canadian brother Mike Holmes in overalls (thank GOD he’s also on HGTV). Because Discovery has announced that in the summer of 2020, the DIY Network will be beaten to death with hammers and thrown into a shallow grave before Chip and Joanna Gaines piss on it while cackling about their impending world domination.
All together now: RUUUUN, CAT, RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
30-year-old Shane Dawson (pronounced “WHO?!” to us olds) is one of the biggest (and probably one of the richest) YouTubers with over 21 million subscribers. And like many big YouTubers, he has mouth sharted up some foolery which he has had to give a totally real and genuine apology for. Shane had to put on his best sowwwy face to apologize for doing blackface repeatedly and for things he’s said about pedophilia. And yesterday, Shane, who came out as bisexual in 2015, had to once again try to save his YouTube Kingdom with a sorry after a clip came out of him telling the tale of the first time he got on pussy, and by pussy I mean an actual cat. Again: RUUUUN, CAT, RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Julia Roberts presented the Best Picture Oscar last night and when she said the words “Green Book,” I was hoping that it was another PriceWaterhouseCoopers fuck up. But Green Book really did win Best Picture. Marie Kondo, who was at the Oscars last night (pics in the gallery), should’ve grabbed Green Book before the show, declared it doesn’t spark joy and trashed it before it had a chance to win anything. Damn you, Marie! You had ONE job!