If there’s one thing we know Christian Bale can do, it’s shape-shift for the sake of a part. He basically lived on a nutrition plan of mouthwash and diet pills to drop 65 pounds for his role in The Machinist. And even when he looked like a praying mantis, I’d still hit it. Then he packed on the muscle to give us all a good panty cream when he was Batman. So when he showed up to the Toronto International Film Festival looking a tad paunchy, we knew it was for a juicy part. Sadly, it isn’t Hollywood giving us the Nintendo Kirby’s Dream Land movie we all want and deserve. It’s all part of his transformation into Dick Cheney. Christian sat down with Variety while at TIFF, and he made me green with fucking envy when he spilled his secret to getting into the part: It’s pie!
— Variety (@Variety) September 12, 2017
Who knew all it took was heaps of my mom’s key lime and pecan pies at Thanksgiving to look like our under-the-table president from the Bush years? If Christian was smart, he would say he’s been getting into character for years, and that would explain why he was such a dick on the set of Terminator Salvation since, well, Dick wasn’t exactly known for being a pocketful of sunshine! The Cheney flick doesn’t have a title yet, but we know Amy Adams will play his wife, Lynne Cheney. This sounds all fine and dandy, but Christian is known to go very method. His friends better think twice the next time he asks them to go quail hunting!
Check out the gallery below for Christian and wife Sibi Blazic at TIFF on Tuesday night:
Everybody knows Christian Bale is one of those method actors who loves to go all in on extreme physical transformations for his roles. As previously reported, Christian is set to play Dick Cheney in an upcoming Adam Mckay joint and from the looks of things, he’s already been sucking up milk shakes and skipping leg day (and arm day, and ab day, and basically every day but donut day) at the gym. Above is what Christian Bale looked like back in April. Here’s what he looks like now:
— E! News (@enews) September 7, 2017
Sigh. I so wish Dear Leader Michael K could be here to weigh-in on this emerging eyebrow situation but since needs must, I will do my best. Did Christian get a skin graft and move his eyebrow skin to his upper lip and his butt skin to his brows? If you look at the side to side picture comparison, Dick has fucking eyebrows to go with his evil beady-little eyes, so why come did Christian do this to his face? He’s got the smirk werkin, though, I’ll give him that. But I’m really confused by the brows. I think Christian is pranking up, and his next movie is actually a remake of 1995’s Powder.
During Oscar bait season next year, you’ll be able to escape the nightmare reality of this world with a feel-good Dick Cheney biopic! Oscar-nominated writer/director Adam McKay (who directed Step Brothers, Anchorman, Talladega Nights and The Big Short) has been working on a Dick Cheney movie, and Deadline says that he is talking to Christian Bale about taking on Dick. Adam is probably talking to Daniel Day-Lewis about playing the friend that Dick Cheney accidentally shot during a quail hunt. Because DDL is the only true thespian who’d say, “I’m offended that you think I wouldn’t, sir!”, after fellow method actor Christian Bale asks to shoot him for real during their scene.
Terence Malick is one of those directors whom film buffs revere, and famous actors practically offer to chop off limbs (just not the face, dahling) for the chance to work with him. Those actors he casts are often disappointed when they view the finished product, because Terence is not sharing fucks when it comes to cutting big names out of his films. Ask Adrien Brody about The Thin Red Line sometime. Speaking of Adrien, Christian Bale might want to ping him to find out where the next meeting of the “Terence Malick Cut Me Out Of His Movie” support group is being held, because Terence also gave him the chop from his latest picture, according to The Wrap.
Christian Bale, seen above looking all kinds of sexy and lumpy (don’t judge me) on the set of American Hustle a few years ago, is as method as method can be when it comes to changing his body for a role. He starved himself down to one of Giuliana Rancic’s forearms for The Machinist. Then did it again for The Fighter. Then he channeled his inner Kim Kardashian and deep-throated as much food as his gag reflex could take to chunk up for American Hustle.
Since my ass gains 5 lbs just by looking at a bag of ketchup chips (“Uh huh, looking” said the chip crumbs around my mouth), I assumed a pro like Christian Bale could gain that serious actor weight overnight. But apparently all that weight loss and weight gain takes time, and he just couldn’t do it quick enough for his latest movie, so did the chafed-thigh shuffle out the exit door. According to Deadline, Christian Bale was beefing up to play Enzo Ferrari in a biopic by Michael Mann. Filming was supposed to begin in the spring, but Christian Bale wasn’t able to safely let himself go in such a short period of time, so he decided to quit.
Michael Mann is currently looking to re-cast Christian Bale with an already-hefty actor. You hear that, Bear from The Revenant? Call you agent!
Speaking of that Bear (which was a dude in a CGI suit, because Hollywood is LIES), was it really necessary for Christian Bale to gain a bunch of weight? Could they not just CGI a couple extra chins and love handles onto his body in post-production? Also, if it’s a movie about Enzo Ferrari, wouldn’t he be in a car most of the time? I’m no expert, but I feel like that kind of fat would be super easy to fake. Just throw a bunch of heavy shit in the trunk and blame the drag on Christian Bale’s character’s ass.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.