It’s a real bitch to basic betches from the U.S., when they visit the Great Wall of China and can’t post some pseudo-offensive photo to Facebook, pretending to be a samurai, because it’s banned. Well, now they can’t even pair their trip to Shanghai with a Justin Bieber concert where he refuses to sing his songs, because he’s viewed as just as much of a cultural threat as that “poke” button! China has likely been disgraced by him since they thought he looked too much like a P.F. Chang’s menu in his outfit (pictured above) to the 2015 Met Gala “China: Through The Looking Glass.”
I don’t know if there’s a Chinese equivalent to “COME TO BRAZIL, QUEEN.” But if there is, it’s something that will be put on hiatus indefinitely. The Guardian is reporting that China allegedly considers Lady Gaga a “hostile foreign force” and has banned her.
But first, let me answer the question in your head: No, that is not Ben Affleck in the background to the right. That dude’s chichis aren’t nearly as plump and calzone-esque enough for him to be Batffleck.
A few months ago, 29-year-old professional tennis player and gummy candy mogul Maria Sharapova announced that she was told by the International Tennis Federation that she had to temporarily put down her racket after she tested positive for a banned drug. Maria admitted to taking some shit called “meldonium,” which was put on the ITF’s banned list last year. The ITF banned it because they said there’s some evidence that athletes use it as a performance-enhancing drug. Maria said that her doctor prescribed her the drug for a magnesium deficiency and she’s been taking it since 2006. In January, the ITF sent out an e-mail of all the banned drugs for 2016. Maria admits to getting the email, but said she didn’t read it. I bet Maria has hired a full-time e-mail reader to read every line of every e-mail she gets, because that temporary suspension has become a 2-year ban.
Lindsay Lohan, seen above proving why it’s so important to get vaccinated, was supposed to make an appearance during the Toronto International Film Festival on Sunday. No, she wasn’t there to present a special 8th anniversary screening of the modern cinematic masterpiece I Know Who Killed Me (I wish). Page Six says she was supposed to be at a club on Sunday night to promote her upcoming film Inconceivable. Unfortunately, everybody who was hoping to catch a glimpse of the Apricot Ashtray is about to let out a disappointed sigh of sadness, because LiLo will not be there. And because we’re dealing with the poster child for lying, nobody has a straight answer for why Lindsay is bailing.
According to the event organizer, it’s because “the timing did not work out for everyone to get to Toronto.” So basically, Lindsay couldn’t get her ass on a plane from whatever place her most current gentleman friend’s yacht is parked in. However other sources are whispering it’s because she has a criminal record and Canada don’t play that. One source said:
“Canada is pretty strict about that. It is not easy to get in if you have had any type of record.”
Other sources claim it has nothing to do with LiLo’s collection of mug shots and everything to do with her being a demanding freckled diva. They say Lindsay refused to fly to Toronto unless it was in first class. Obviously a movie that barely exists on the internet doesn’t have a budget big enough for such shenanigans, so when they slid a coach ticket into her hands, she decided she wasn’t going.
A rep for the producers of Inconceivable told Page Six: “I just know she was not able to come” because she is “busy.” It’s true – hustling tea on Instagram is a very demanding job.
I’m a Canadian person, so I totally know what’s going on here. Back in 2012, there was a massive million-dollar maple syrup heist. Lindsay Lohan is known to have sticky fingers, so who knows how much sweet sweet syrup a pro like LiLo would able to stuff into her carry-on? Canada can’t take that kind of a chance.
Because Hollywood is basically high school and the Met Gala is basically the prom (the Oscars are really more of an awards ceremony celebrating outstanding achievement in awesomeness or student council elections), it shouldn’t be surprising that one of the cool girls would have one of the desperate wannabes banned from her afterparty. According to The Sun (via The Mirror), Rihanna had her low-budget equivalent Rita Ora banned from her Met Gala afterparty. Looks like we can cross Rita Ora’s name off the list of possible “sources” who saw Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk.
A “source” says that when it came time to make out the guest list for her party, Princess Ooh Na Na made it very clear that her future Legends In Concert look-alike wouldn’t be getting an invitation and that she shouldn’t be let in under any circumstances. The source then went on to add that RiRi “has a real issue with Rita and this was her chance for revenge.” Not only did RiRi deny RitRit a spot on the guest list, she also made things awkward with Rita and Cara Delevingne. Rita and Cara used to be friends, but she’s apparently Rihanna’s friend now.
However, a source close to Rita (so, basically Rita) claims that Rita never planned on going to RiRi’s party because she was going to one hosted by Lady Gaga. That sound you just heard was the entire world shouting “Sure, Jan.”
There’s a million reasons why RiRi would have denied RitRit’s ass, but the most obvious one is that you don’t need two Rihannas at the same party! That’s like going to a 5-year-old’s birthday party and seeing two Elsas. Just pick the better Elsa.
Here’s the Sindy to RiRi’s Barbie leaving Lady Gaga’s afterparty on Monday night. Apparently RitRit has replaced Cara Delevingne with Sienna Miller. Upgrade!
I sometimes watch Dr. Phil (I know, I’m an idiot) and if I’ve learned anything from that super-smart talking walrus, it’s that people have a currency. As in, the thing which means the most to you. For example, my currency is Doritos. Michael K’s is heart-stopping elegance and sophistication. Obviously, Michael Phelps’ currency is swimming – the Geico Cavemen’s handsome half-brother loves to swim. So after getting busted for his second messy DUI last week and volunteering to go to rehab, People says that USA Swimming decided to punish Party Dolphin by suspending him from swimming for six months and forcing him to withdraw from next year’s world championships. They released this statement explaining why:
“Michael’s conduct was serious and required significant consequences. We endorse and are here to fully support his personal development actions.”
USA Swimming says that drinking and driving violates their Code of Conduct, so they also snatched away six months worth of his sweet government funding money. Damn, USA Swimming don’t play! Although really, they only give him $1,750 a month, so that’s – what – $10,000 gone? That’s nothing for Michael Phelps! Hell, that’s nothing for Mama Debbie – she spends at least $2,000 a month on tasteful statement necklaces from Chico’s.
The only real silver lining to all of this is that Party Dolphin already qualified for world championships in Russia next August, which is the thing you do if you want to compete for the Olympics. And since we all know Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmuh IN DA WORLD, this DUI mess probably won’t hurt his chances for taking home 1,864 more gold medals.
But what if there’s a swimming pool at rehab? Isn’t there always a fancy infinity pool at fancy rich person rehab? If you’re going to go through the mental and emotional distress of draining every ounce of party out of your system, at least they can try to make things a little better by letting you get your splish-splash on. So will USA Swimming be hanging out around the pool at Phelps’ rehab to make sure he doesn’t swim? Can he at least be allowed to float on a pool noodle or play marco polo? At least give him marco polo!