Get thee to Angie’s List to book a contractor who can put your house on stilts. Build yourself an ark and get your family and any animals that won’t bite you on it. Learn how to scuba dive. Because Adele and her husband have separated and the album she’s going to get out of this will cause so many tears that the Earth will be covered in a salty flood.
Taylor Swift went from not being political to saving politics completely and restoring equality to the world! Well, no–but she’s started donating money to things, which is a good first step towards becoming one of those super wealthy people who gets called a “philanthropist” but could also solve the student debt crisis with their five “philanthropist” buddies and some signed checks. It seems that Taylor speaking up during the midterm elections to support a Democrat was not the end of her political career, even though the guy she endorsed lost. Taylor must be pissed about her chosen politician losing the election because now she’s ready to do what it really takes to solve problems: throw money at it.
What do hetero chicks do when they want to keep Night At The Roxbury-type dude bros off their asses and terrible music from ruining their Friday night out? They party with the gays, obviously. A self-proclaimed “stay at home mom” going out drinking with her recently engaged friend at a NYC gay dive bar should be no big deal, except when the mom is the second “greatest singer in da world” Adele and her friend is America’s farting and falling sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence.
Adele turned the big 3-0 on Saturday. To celebrate, Adele threw herself a Titanic-themed birthday party. Adele posted three pictures from her birthday on Instagram showing what her party looked like, and basically what you get is rich people cosplay. Adele dressed like Rose in an old-timey dress and sashayed down what would appear to be a full-scale model of the first class staircase inside of the ship. Hell, she probably got the real Heart of the Ocean diamond from the bottom of the sea too.
Adele is your girl who just wants to spend Saturday night in her sweatpants at home with good takeout, perhaps some wine, and some furious dancing in the den to ominversal majestrix Beyoncé headlining Coachella on the screen vee. Adele WORKED IT OUT! And she posted some of her hottest moves on Instagram.
The C.I.A. (computer investigation alliance), that secret cabal of internet sleuths who cracked the case of the Melania Trump body double WIDE OPEN, have made an exciting new discovery! Have you ever noticed that you’ve never seen Sam Smith and Adele together in the same room? Didn’t think so. Are you sitting down? A Twitter user has proof that Adele and Sam are actually the person!